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Disclaimer: No, these characters aren't mine. They belong to Joss Whedon (have your people call my people and we'll do lunch, babe), Mutant Enemy (Grr...Arg) and all those cool people. I own nothing. Except Angel's little apartment. That's mine!! Hehe. I also don't own the lyrics. They belong to other people. "My All" belongs to Mariah Carey, "I Will Remember You" belongs to Sarah McLachlan, and "When You Love Someone" belongs to Brian Adams.
Author's Notes: There really is no time frame when this story takes place, I guess it would be sometime in the third season. This is the companion piece to "So Afraid To Love You" and should probably be read with it. I love feedback, so if you read this, please send me some. It doesn't have to be long, just tell me you read it, 'cause it makes me happy!! :-)
No, I can't go back. I can't, I thought to myself over and over as I fought another daily inner battle. She must hate me now. She's probably found a new guy, one who can love her completely, walk in the sunlight with her, give her all the things I never could. I just hope she's happy.
A sad smile played over my lips as I walked along the darkened street. L.A. was not all it was cracked up to be. The people were so rude. I'd been here for three months and could not find a single friend. There were plenty of women who threw themselves at me, but I just brushed them off. They were not her, they could never even compare.
I thought of that last time we had been together, when I had gone to say my goodbye. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my two hundred and forty three years of living on this planet. I had had to be so strong and give her strength to go on. I allowed myself to slip into the reverie that began, as I remembered the events of that night.
I crawled through her window late one night. I had reached the decision that I would be doing her a favor by leaving her now, when she would be able to find someone new. She turned around as I entered and her whole face lit up with love. I tried my best to act like everything was fine, but I didn't do a good job of convincing her. God, she was so beautiful...I loved her so much. Why was I doing this?
"Hey, what brings you here this late?" she asked as she put her hairbrush down and came over to me with a smile on her face. She took my hand and I looked at her, searching with my eyes.
"What is it, Angel?" she asked again, a frown on her face. I looked away, not being able to look her in the eye, not when I knew what I was about to do to her. I felt her eyes on me, but took a moment to regain my composure so I would be able to do this.
"I...I've come..." I said, then faltered. I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't hurt her like this, but I knew it was for the best. "I'm leaving."
"What?" she asked, confused. "But you just got here. What's wrong?"
"I don't mean here. I mean Sunnydale. I'm leaving," I said quietly, avoiding her gaze as I ripped her world apart. I could tell just by her body language that she was trying very hard not to cry, not to look vulnerable.
"But...I don't understand. Why? Is it me? Did I do something?" she whispered. I knew she was not going to be happy with what I was about to say.
"You need to get on with your life, Buffy," I said as the tears formed in my eyes. "You need to find someone new to love, who can love you completely, no curse in the way. You need to forget me."
"I don't want someone else," she cried, hysterical. She met my gaze as the tears began sliding down her cheeks. I forced myself to leave them and not reach out to wipe them away like I yearned to. She wiped them away. "I want you," she whispered achingly.
There was no way I could tell her how much I wanted her too, I couldn't do that to her and then leave her. I loved her too much. My heart broke as I watched her fight to be strong.
"We can't be together, Buffy, you know that as well as I do. It's...it's too dangerous."
"I don't care about the dangers!" she shouted angrily. "Dammit Angel, I don't care!! I want you and you want me. You can't leave me!!"
"Buffy," I said, trying to calm her down. I reached out to touch her arm, but she wouldn't even let me touch her. Not that I blamed her. "Buffy. I hate this as much as you do. But it has to be like this."
"Where will you go?" she asked suddenly. I shrugged, I hadn't even been able to think about that.
"I'm not sure yet."
"Will you ever come back?" she asked, hope in her voice. I tried not to kill that hope, but it was so hard.
"Maybe...in the future," I said. "To come see how you are. Buffy, I want you to do something for me. Move on."
She stared at me as if I had gone crazy and a thousand emotions played over her face, heartache, anger, longing. "No."
"You have to," I said desperately. I wanted her to so much. I wanted her to be happy.
"I don't want to," she replied in an even tone.
"Buffy...we sometimes have to do things we don't want to," I said.
"I guess you would know something about that," she said angrily. Pain flooded my face and she looked instantly remorseful.
"Buffy...I want you to," I whispered. Our love meant so much to me that I wanted her to be happy. I knew I couldn't give her that happiness and I wanted her to find someone that would.
Even though it made my stomach turn and my soul cry.
"Well, I don't care what you want," Buffy said softly as she gazed at me and shook her head. "I care what I want. And I don't want that. I have a choice here, Angel, and I choose not to."
I sighed heavily, knowing that her mind was made up and I could not change it. I tried a different approach, not really expecting any success. But I had to try, for her sake.
"What would you do for me?" I asked.
"Anything," she replied without hesitation. I started to speak again, but she figured out what I was going to say and cut me off. I should have known better than to try and fool her. "Except that. Angel, please. This is my decision, please don't ask me to do something I know I'll never be able to."
I gazed at her then, memorizing every feature, chiseling it into my memory. Another battle ensued as I fought to keep my control and not back down. I couldn't stay here, I couldn't be that selfish. I couldn't hurt her and ruin her life anymore than I already had. I realized I would never be able to change her mind.
"Angel, I can't promise you something that I can't promise myself. Please...just understand," she begged. I nodded, knowing it was true.
"I knew that would happen, but I had to try. Please, Buffy, you have to believe that if I didn't have to do this, I wouldn't. But I do," I said. The tears continued to stream down our faces as she pulled me into her small embrace and brought her lips up to meet mine.
Time froze as we kissed, the world evaporated and we were left alone with our love shining bright and true around us. The kiss grew desperate as we both realized it would be the last one we ever shared. Our tears mixed as I reluctantly broke it off, gazing deeply in her eyes and seeing her pain and love.
"I'd better go," I said. She nodded, sobbing too hard to say a word. I reached out and kissed her again lightly before touching her face. She leaned into me hand and I cupped her cheek. We gazed at each other for a long moment.
"I love you, Buffy. Forever. Remember me," I whispered as I placed one leg outside the window.
"I love you too, Angel, forever and ever. Don't forget me?" she asked, pleading. I knew I would never forget her. There was just no way I could forget the one person who made me feel human and loved and whole in the entire world. She made me not feel like a monster.
"Never," I said. I practically threw myself out the window, knowing if I stayed for one more second I would abandon my whole plan and hold her forever. I slide off the roof and stood under her window, listening to her sobs. My heart being battered and torn more than words could describe, I walked slowly away, my head down. I felt empty and numb, knowing how much pain I was causing the woman I love more than life itself. I continued walking until I reached the train station, where I boarded a train to L.A.
I kept looking back, hating myself for what I was doing to her. Hating myself for hurting her so much. Hating myself for letting her go. I cried silently as the train pulled out of the station, trying to be brave and strong and failing utterly. God, how I would miss her.
I realized a whole three seconds after I had left that I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I had let her go. I wanted to go back every day, but I couldn't do that to her, especially if she had done as I asked and moved on. So I stayed in L.A. basically doing nothing useful at all. I slayed the occasional vampire, but my life was incomplete, empty. I was truly alone, in a cold, cruel world.
I made my way back to the little apartment I was renting. It had a bed, a closet, a little refrigerator, and a bathroom in it. That was all. The walls were a sullen gray, and there was absolutely no color in the room. Kind of like my life. I kicked off my shoes and sank slowly onto the thin mattress as I played with my ring. The same ring I had given Buffy, which, technically, made us married. At least it would've, had we been living in Ireland in the 1700s. I smiled slightly at the irony. A Slayer and a vampire. Soul mates. A forbidden love. Classic movie plot.
As I fell into a restless sleep, her beautiful face was my focus. My memories kept me sane and I clung to them desperately, never letting a single one slip away. I missed her with every fiber of my body. I wondered if she thought of me at all.
As I packed my bags, I mentally cursed myself. Why was I doing this? She probably never wanted to see me again. What was I doing? She'd never forgive me. She'd stake me or flaunt her new, handsome boyfriend at me, which would be worse than being staked. But I had to do this. I needed her too much. I had been in a place worse than hell for the past few months and ached to leave it behind.
Glancing around, I realized I had everything and zipped up the bag. I walked out of the building and slowly to the train station. I bought my ticket and got on. As the train pulled away, I thought of her, my beautiful Slayer, my one true love, my only friend. I left behind the city that had no love for me and moved towards the one place where I had felt that I was a part of this world, a somebody. I was going home. But to what?
When I got off the train, I walked to my apartment, which I had kept after I moved. It was as if I had known I couldn't stay away. I put my bags on the bed, then walked back out. As I strided toward my destination, I thought of what I would say to her. How I would even begin to tell her how sorry I was, how much I loved her and needed her. I just didn't know if she'd want to ever see me again.
"Angel?" I heard a voice say from behind me. I stopped walking and turned around to face Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia. The other people I had considered friends. They all looked shock to see me, not that I blamed them. I gave them a little half smile.
"Hey guys. How've you been?" I asked lamely.
"Why are you here?" Xander asked, with ice in his tone. I couldn't blame him.
"I came to see Buffy. Do you know where she is?" I responded, not sure if they would even answer me.
"Her house. Angel, did you just come back for a quick visit? Because if you did, don't go see her. It'll kill her even more. She's been such a wreck..." Willow trailed off. I was stunned. Buffy, a wreck? Then I realized what I had done to her, and my hatred for my actions rose.
"No, I'm back. I...I can't live without her. I don't even know why I left," I said, not meeting any of their gazes. I couldn't. It was so hard.
"Then, in that case, go to her. Tell her that. It's what she needs to hear," Xander said quietly, shocking me. I looked sharply at him, only to see he was serious. I nodded.
"It's good to see you again," Willow said as they turned and walked away. I stared after them for a moment, then turned and continued to Buffy's house. When I reached it, I froze. What if she rejected me? I knew in an instant I'd be watching the sun rise if she did. I forced myself to walk up the stairs to the house. I noticed her mother's car wasn't there, which I was glad for. I needed to talk to Buffy with no interruptions at all. I reached up for the spare key I knew they kept and turned the lock softly. The house was dark as I stepped over the threshold and made my way up the stairs. I heard sniffling and a soft song coming from Buffy's open door.
Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight
I stood motionless as I gazed at her, totally captivated by the sight of her. She sniffled and I saw her bring her hand up to her face to wipe tears away. My goddess then whispered something in a soul aching voice and I knew that was my cue.
"I wonder if he's found someone to replace me."
"Not possible," I said quietly. She jumped when she heard my voice and stood up with her back still to me. I saw her shoulders lump forward when she realized it couldn't be me, no matter how much she wished it to be. She turned around slowly and my breath caught in my throat. I'd missed her so much...
She brought up a small hand to cover her mouth as she gazed at me in complete shock. She was almost shaking.
"Angel?" she whispered, almost inaudibly She gasped and wobbled on her feet. I knew she was about to keel over and as she started to I went to her side and held her steady. I looked deeply in her eyes, yet I kept myself reserved, not knowing how she would act when she got over the shock. She was standing again, but I did not remove my arms from her body. I needed to touch her.
She was silent as she gazed at me with her big eyes. I knew she was trying to decide what to say to me and I knew I should let her speak first, I just held her as she pulled her thoughts together. She looked away for a moment, then back with anger in her eyes.
"What, just coming to see how I was and then disappear into the night again?" she said in a bitter tone. I braced myself for what was about to come, shutting away my hurt. She had every right to be extremely angry with me and I knew that. It didn't make it stop hurting though.
"Guess I deserved that. Buffy, I know you're angry--" I said, but she cut me off before I could go on.
"Angry? You got that right! What's this about Angel?," she asked in a tired, hurt voice. "Come to check up on me? Are you just going to stay long enough to see that I'm still breathing and then vanish again and leave me here, all alone? If you are, then save yourself the trouble of staying any longer. I will not stand here and allow you to give me hope that you're back, and then leave me again! I can't go through that again. I can't."
I sighed and didn't meet her gaze. She was shaking, I could feel it. I gently led her over to the end of her bed and sat her down, then sat down beside her.
"Buffy...look. I know I hurt you...but I didn't have a choice, I--"
"Didn't have a choice? Please, Angel. You had a choice, and you chose to leave me. Why are you here?" she asked in a deflated voice. My heart ached at how much pain I had caused her.
"Buffy, just let me explain. I...I was told...that it would be best for you if I left," I began. She looked as if she was about to speak, but I held up my hand, willing her to be silent so I could say this. She reluctantly closed her mouth and I continued.
"So, after a lot of thought, I decided...that it would be best for you if I followed that advice and left. I went to L.A. and tried to live alone. It was total agony...I realized I couldn't live without you," I said quietly, then stood up and began to pace around the room. I felt her anger fade away as my words sunk in and her eyes on me as I paced back and forth in front of her.
"I didn't come back because I thought you had moved on, found someone new to love," I told her, then paused. I almost didn't say what I was about to, but knew she had to hear it all, it was only fair. I took a deep breath, then looked back at her.
"And even though I told you to do it...I can't tell you how jealous I felt. To think of you with another man...it ripped me apart inside. But I love you so much that I--I just want you to be happy," I stopped talking and looked out the window into the darkness. She didn't say a word, she just let me continue talking. I turned back to her and I saw surprise in her eyes. It was almost as if she hadn't expected me to say all these things.
"I should have stayed away...but I'm selfish, Buffy. I don't want you to find someone new, I want you to love me. I want to be the one that you love with your heart and soul, the only one you ever want to be with...the only one you ever want to love," I said, then lowered my voice so it was barely audible above the radio. I looked out the window again, not baring to see her face as I said the last part. "The only one you ever want to make love to.
"So I guess what I'm trying to say...is that...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused, sorry for what I did to you. Sorry for being selfish and coming back, when I know I should stay away. I'm sorry for being this way, so that we can't be together. I'm just so sorry..." I ended as I fixed my gaze on the old tree outside her window, where I had sat many a night, watching her sleep.
I heard her sniffling and realized she was still crying. The words from a song on the radio floated lazily around the room and I listened to them carefully, realizing how true they were.
So afraid to love you,
More afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Where once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
Gave me everything you had
Oh, you gave me light
I looked back at her and our eyes locked. The song was so accurate in describing our situation and I saw it touched her as much as it touched me.
"It's true, Angel. I'm so afraid to love you, but just the thought of you leaving again makes me want to die. I can't lose you again...I can't go through that again. It hurts too much. I'm dying without you," she murmured. Tears were pouring down her face, but she made no motion to wipe them away. "And you are the only one I ever want to be with, ever want to love, ever want to make love to. You're the only one for me. I just wish..."
I understood then what she was saying, that after all this time she still loved me, that she had never stopped loving me. I became so happy I was sure I would lose my soul again. I went over to her and kneeled at her feet, lifting a hand to wipe away her salty tears. She rubbed her cheek against my palm and I cupped it as I took the tears away with my thumb. She slowly reached her hand up to touch mine and our rings touched. I was in awe that she still wore hers and I sensed she had the same reaction. She curled her fingers around mine and I moved in boldly. I wasn't sure how she would react, but I had to have more contact with her.
Our lips touched and our souls rejoiced at finally being together again. The kiss grew from being unsure to desperate in a matter of moments. We ran our hands over each other, memorizing the other's face, body. Our other hands stayed locked together.
I took pity on her and ended it, allowing her to breathe. We had ended up lying on her bed with me on top of her. Not sure if I had overstepped some imaginary boundary, I rolled off of her and glanced to the side, my eyes falling on her full length mirror. All I saw was Buffy, and I tensed up. What was I doing? We couldn't be together. We shouldn't even be doing this. It was too dangerous. Buffy squeezed my hand gently, but I couldn't look at her.
"Don't even think about leaving me ever again. Angel, do you hear me?" she asked. I couldn't help looking at her. She frowned when she saw the pain I was in, the conflict I felt. "Did you just hear what I said? I don't care what you are, that means nothing to me. All that matters is that you're you, the one I love."
I stood up slowly, releasing her hand. She was scared, I could feel it. She thought I was going to leave her again. But I could never do that to her. I had already caused her too much pain. I reached my hand out and she looked up at me, unsure of what was happening. "May I have this dance?"
She nodded and stood up slowly, using my hand to help herself up. We were already lost in each other's eyes. I wrapped my arms around her thin waist and she wrapped hers around my neck and we began to move slowly to the music.
When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe
You can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone
When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and
You won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
We held on for dear life while we danced, afraid the other would disappear in an instant. I rested my chin on her head and she laid hers on my chest. I drew in a deep breath, drinking in her scent. I had missed her so much. I gently kissed the top of her head as we continued to sway to the song.
"Angel, don't leave me tonight. Please...I need you here with me," she pleaded. That's what I had planned to do if all had gone well, I was just so glad that she wanted me to. Our love was so incredible and special...I was so lucky to have it and actually feel like I deserved it. I nodded and kissed her forehead lightly. She reached over to turn off the radio when the song was done, and I removed my jacket and boots. We climbed into the bed and under the covers together. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. I knew I had to be careful, we both did. We were flirting with disaster with this one. She left the lamp on her night stand on and there was an awkward silence.
"So how've you--"
"What have you--"
We looked at each other and smiled. I wanted her to go first and nodded my head for her to continue. "What did you do...when you left?" she asked. I knew she was going to ask that.
"I went to L.A. and tried to live like I had before I met you. I tried to interact with people, but they shut me out. Everyone was so cruel...so I basically lived alone. You'd think that in such a big city I'd find someone to befriend...but I didn't," I answered as I ran my fingers through her silky hair. She nodded slightly. "God, I missed you so much!"
"I missed you too, Angel. I tried--for your sake--to do what you wanted me to, to find another. But all the guys I went out with...they couldn't even begin to compare to you. I began to shut everyone out--Willow, Xander, Giles, Cordy, Oz, my mom. I built a wall around myself while I tried to heal," she said and I hated myself for causing her to do that. "But I couldn't heal, because I missed and needed you too much. And...and I felt myself letting go."
"Of what?" I asked gently, a little confused. She shifted uncomfortably and looked away. "Look at me, Buffy. No secrets."
"Of life," she whispered. "I couldn't go on without you, it just hurt too much. I felt myself growing weaker...getting closer. When you left you took the strong part of me with you, the fighting part."
"Oh Buffy...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I did that to you," I said achingly. How could I have caused her so much pain? Why did I? I leaned over and kissed her forehead reassuringly.
"Angel...promise me you'll never do it again. Promise you'll be with me until my dying day," she said, meeting my stare again.
"I...I can't," I said. She looked at me fearfully, but I had a surprise for her. I smiled and she looked at me with confusion in her eyes. "I'll be with you long after you're gone from this world. Forever...that's the whole point," I stated. I had said those exact words to her in one of the dreams I had been able to be in during my time in hell. I saw recognition dawn in her eyes and nodded slightly, confirming her suspicions.
"Forever," she echoed.
"Buffy...can we make this work? I mean, without unleashing the demon again or destroying the world?" I asked, concerned. I didn't want that to ever happen again and was so afraid that it would. She just smiled.
"To hell with the world. I've saved it enough times, I deserve happiness. Besides, maybe there will be a way that we can be together totally and completely, as one. All we need is time," she said with confidence in her voice. That was more than I could ever ask for. I already had a love I didn't deserve and another try to make it work. I was the luckiest person in the world.
I got up to close the blinds. She tensed for a moment, then relaxed when she realized what I was doing. I slid back under the warm comforter with her as she snapped off the light.
"Where's your mother?" I asked suddenly, not knowing if she was just working really late at the gallery or was out of town.
"Visiting friends in Arizona. Don't worry."
"I love you," I whispered to her, remembering I had not told her that yet. Those three words didn't even begin to explain how I felt about her, but she knew. She knew, because she felt the exact same way.
"I love you too," Buffy, my salvation, my redeemer, my lover, whispered back.
She kissed me gently and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to me. I thanked whatever Gods there were for allowing me to return to her and have her love me as she did before. I watched her sleep, knowing even then she did not have the same peace others did, for she dreamt of horrible things, death, destruction, all the things she was supposed to destroy.
But tonight she had a slight smile on her face, and I had a pretty good idea of what was causing it. I pulled her closer, careful not to awaken her, and felt loved and trusted and finally at peace. My sunlight was returned to me and I would do everything in my power to make sure it wasn't extinguished before its time. I needed her and loved her and would do all that I could to make sure she was happy. Always.