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Disclaimer: I don't have the money, power, or genius to even TRY to pass as Joss Whedon. Plus I'm a girl, so... The characters belong to him. I own nothing, I'm just playing... <g> I do have Angel tied to the bed, though. But don't tell Joss that. <eg> Oh, and the kick-ass song belongs to Joydrop, off their 'Metasexual' CD. Everyone go get it, it's AMAZING!
Author's Note: I know, I know, you all probably think I'm going crazy. This is the first time I've written something that doesn't have Buffy and Angel as the main characters (although they are mentioned! A lot!), so if it sucks, I'm sorry. I've been meaning to do this for a LONG time and finally made myself sit down and do it. It's choppy, though...be warned. Takes place directly after "Wild at Heart"
FEEDBACK: Don't make me sic Angelus on you! Wait, what the hell am I saying?! That's really NOT a bad thing... <eg> Him and his leather pants... No, wait, I'm keeping him for myself. I just won't write anymore. So send some if you like, or if you don't let me know why! Flames will be mocked and edited, because it's fun. <g>
DEDICATION: To Alyson Hannigan for making me cry during that episode, even though I hate Willow with a passion. Now THAT'S good acting.
I never knew a person could feel this empty.
I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel so incomplete, so alone. I've witnessed it, yeah, and there are all those horribly sappy love songs and chick flicks out there, but I never realized how hard it is, and how much it hurts to be so empty.
I should've seen it coming, I suppose. Once Veruca showed up, something in me knew that it was about to end. The way he looked at her...like he was drawn to her or something. Like they shared this connection that was established in moments that we hadn't had in the year and a half we'd been together.
Do you know how horrible it feels to make yourself accept something as heartbreaking as that?
Oz and I were happy. We were young and in love and content with each other and our relationship. It was intoxicating. He helped me get over Xander. He forgave me for cheating. We were so close...so happy.
And now he's gone and all I have left are memories that make me break down and a feeling of intense emptiness and pain that I don't think will ever go away. That's what I can't seem to accept. He's gone.
Oz is gone.
And I don't hear you anymore,
And I can't see you on the floor.
It's like a nightmare come to life,
But don't be frightened of the light...
He's gone, off to find himself or something. I think he mentioned something about separating himself from the wolf and learning how to live with both. I can't really remember, these last few days have been a blur. All I can remember is pain and lots of tears and a million tissue boxes.
And Buffy. Man, has she been a trooper. She's here for me to cry on and she comforts me, and even brings me ice cream when I get really upset. Peanut butter cup, my favorite. You know, she does all the things best friends are supposed to do.
And I sometimes catch her looking at me with that pain in her eyes, all that agony she's buried deep and doesn't let out much. I call it her Angel-face because I know that when she makes it, she's thinking of Angel. That look she gives me...I know she's remembering how hard it was for her right after Angel left. She was pretty much catatonic...on more than one occasion I went over to her house and found her curled up in bed, crying uncontrollably while clutching the jacket he'd given her back in high school.
At least I'm not that bad. Although I do sleep with the witch Pez dispenser that Oz gave me...whenever I want to start crying I just look at it and the tears seem to appear magically. It's weird, I didn't think a person could cry this much.
And yet it's been nearly a week and a half and I can barely function. I'm running on auto-pilot--though thankfully I'm *not* catatonic--and I feel like I'm just this shell of a person. It scares me because I didn't think I was this dependent on Oz to make me happy.
And all the days you pushed around,
And all the times you lied to yourself,
And all the dreams we had just might breakdown...
And I wonder who you love...
Really love...
You know that old saying, you don't know what you have until you've lost it? It's *so* true, because I never fully appreciated Oz and everything we had until it was gone. I never realized just how much I loved him and how special he was to me. I mean, yeah, I knew, but I never understood just how special and wonderful it was. I also never thought it would end like this. I thought we'd be together forever. We don't have the forbidden/star-crossed love that Buffy and Angel have, and we'll never be as tragic or have as deep a connection as they did--I don't think it's even *possible* to--but Oz and I had something special. It was love, and it was sacred.
And now it's gone.
I know the love isn't, I could feel how much he loved me when we were saying goodbye. But the relationship is gone, and so's he, and I'm left here all alone, unsure of what to do.
But it's kinda funny. I'm not in the least bit mad at him. I'm mad at Veruca because she's the one who drove us apart, but I have this feeling that it would've happened sooner or later, and with or without her help. Each transformation became a little harder for him and I could see it. I could feel the strain it was having on us, even though I didn't want to admit it.
And now I *have* to admit it, because I know I'll never feel peace if I don't. The peace won't be coming for a long time, I know. I've seen first-hand what a break-up can do to a person, and I know exactly what I'm going to go through. First it's shock, and then the pain comes. The pain stays throughout, too, which really sucks. Then it's the anger and resentment. When that fades, you begin to analyze every little part of the relationship, trying to see if you could've spotted this coming. And then you just feel empty and sad and helpless, and after you can't take being miserable anymore you try and get your life back on track.
Buffy was miserable when Angel left, and she did nothing to hide it. She was quieet and depressed and would burst into tears at least four times a day. I think she held on to the misery for so long because it was the last thing she had of their relationship. She took it and embraced it, and it was like she was almost proud of her pain. It was her connection to Angel.
I'm determined to NOT let that happen to me. I know Oz wouldn't want me to be unhappy, and so I'm gonna try and get through this without wallowing. Wallowing is bad for the soul. Okay, so that's really lying, but I think wallowing works too. He always hated to see me sad...
You know I want you too much,
You know it kills me, the thought...
I want to scream, I want to cry,
Just to save myself just one last time.
But I know that I'm going to wallow, and I'm going to hold my pain close because pain is all I have left. Pain, and the love that caused the pain. I know that I'll be angry, and then depressed, and then I'll get sick of it all and throw myself into a new relationship to try and escape the ghosts of the old one. And through it all I'll feel the pain and sadness that I feel now, and it'll never really leave because I'll never really be over him.
I don't know if he's coming back. I don't know what I'll do if he does come back. What I do know is that I don't think I can take much more of this pain, because it's killing me. I know I'll never be as melodramatic as Buffy...or at least I can hope I won't be.
I love Oz. That'll never change.
I just hope I can get through this on my own.
And all the days you pushed around
And all the times you lied to yourself
And all the dreams we had just might breakdown
Breakdown...
Breakdown...
And I wonder who you love...
Really love...
It's not possible to breakdown completely from a breakup...
Is it??