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Disclaimer: The characters in this little story aren't mine. I don't do acid like their owner, therefore I am able to make them feel better. Or, in this case, worse. Their acid-tripping owner is one Joss Whedon. Since he has to share his power with others, Twentieth Century Fox and Mutant Enemy also own them. I'm working on finding out if they're on acid as well...
Author's Notes: One word for you--Parker. This fic is based on the rumors of him and his little summer...thing with Buffy. For those you who don't know, supposedly Buffy slept with him over the summer. Now, I don't know how real this rumor is. That's not stopping me from writing this therapy fic. Buffy goes to Cordy and comes to a major realization. I realize I haven't written anything in forever, and I apologize for it. That doesn't mean the feedback should stop coming!! I live off of it! :-)
Buffy sat in traffic on the outskirts of Los Angeles, drumming her fingers against the wheel. The beat pulsing from her radio was infectious, her hands tapping along with it as she sat bumper to bumper on a cool, cloudy day in October. The perfect weather to match her mood.
She was on her way to visit Cordelia Chase and see how her friend was adjusting to life in the big, unfriendly city. Cordelia had invited her up weeks before, but with the start of freshman year and the roommate fiasco and...everything else that had happened, Buffy hadn't had time to go see the May Queen. She had chosen to go during the day so she wouldn't run the risk of seeing a certain dark-haired vampire that had left her unbelievably heartbroken and vulnerable. She had yet to begin to heal but seeing him would cut too deeply into the fresh wounds in her heart and soul.
Crawling along for an hour and a half, she finally reached her exit and turned onto it. The address Cordelia had sent her was burned into her memory, partly because she had looked at it so much and mostly because Angel lived in the same building as her. He had also sent it to her, along with his phone number, should the need arise for her to call him.
Buffy pulled up to the building that bore the number she had been given. She turned off the engine but made no move to get out of the car. Instead, she stared at the brick apartment building as if she was headed to her execution within its red walls. A tumult of emotions swirled within her. Guilt was prominent, guilt and sadness. Even after all these months, she still couldn't believe what she had done. She didn't want to risk seeing him, didn't know what in the world she would do if she were to lay eyes on him, but Cordelia had wanted her to go to her apartment so they could hang there.
Squaring her shoulders, Buffy opened her car door determinedly. Closing and locking her only means of escape, she pocketed her keys and walked up to the door, trying desperately to control her body. She was shaking, her body sensing his near and demanding she find him immediately and end the ever-present ache inside.
But she didn't. She instead pressed the correct button, signaling to Cordy she was there. A moment later, the brunette's voice filtered through the small speaker.
"Buff?" Cordelia asked.
"In the flesh," she replied, trying to sound cheerful. Her attempt failed utterly, and Cordelia's full lips turned down slightly.
" 'Kay, hang on, let me buzz you in," Cordy said. True to her word, a loud buzzer went off seconds later and Buffy gripped the door handle and pulled, silencing the noise. Taking a deep breath, she entered the musty hall and walked to the elevator. She knew that the chances of running into Angel were slim at best, what with the daytime and all, but she was still extremely nervous. How could she possibly face him? He'd turn away from her in disgust if he ever found out, rejecting her once more . She knew she wouldn't be able to handle that...
A large lump formed at the back of her throat as the doors opened with a chime. She quickly held back the onslaught of tears, mentally chastising herself. She could do this. She wasn't going to see Angel, she was going to see Cordy. Her frail resolve set, she took another calming breath. Peaking her head out, she was relieved to see the hall empty. Stepping out slowly, she darted to apartment 305 and knocked, glancing around all the while apprehensively. A moment later the door flew open and Cordelia squealed as she saw the blond.
"Buffy! Oh wow, it's good to see you!" she said, pulling the surprised Slayer in for a sharp hug. Buffy pulled back and eyed her.
"Okay, who are you and what did you do with the Cordelia Chase we all know and love?" Buffy demanded jokingly. Cordy brushed her off.
"You try living in this city for a few months without any of your old buddies and then we'll talk," she joked. Buffy laughed and glanced over her shoulder again. The gesture wasn't lost on her friend. "Relax. He's sleeping like a baby, I just checked on him."
Although Cordelia's words comforted her, they didn't make the butterflies in her stomach calm any. Seeing this, Cordelia moved aside, allowing Buffy to enter. A rather sparsely filled room greeted her, a small television set sitting against the wall opposite an old couch that had seen better days. There was also a small table and a recliner in the living room. The room was painted a bright, cheerful yellow, surprisingly going with the furniture. Cordy closed and latched the deadbolt on the door before spinning around. Buffy was gazing at the taller girl with a critical eye. Cordelia's face was thinner, but it suited her. Her dark eyes shone with excitement and something else, something almost like wisdom. She seemed much older than the Cordelia Buffy had known in Sunnydale.&nsbp; The move to L.A. and her family's bankruptcy had forever changed her. She was not as snobby, not as cold, and not as wicked as she had once been. She was weatherbeaten, but her good qualities had managed to stick with her.
Cordy smiled and moved to sit down. Buffy kept glancing around, feeling as though he was going to jump out of the shadows at any moment. She felt a dread creep over her like nothing she had ever felt before. The guilt that suddenly welled up inside threatened to break her. The brunette saw this and motioned for Buffy to sit down.
She plopped on the couch and her head lolled back, coming in contact with the cushion. Her eyes fell shut and she let out a world-weary sigh that was not lost on Cordelia. If anything, she had become much more perceptive since her change of locations.
"Okay, spill, Buffy. What's with the sudden visit and the whole 'Can my life get any worse?' look you have going on?" Cordelia asked, her voice laced with concern. Buffy opened her eyes, squinting at the woman seated beside her. "Don't squint, do you really want wrinkles at age thirty?"
Buffy laughed softly as she fought back sudden tears. "Buffy, what is it?"
Buffy blinked and held back the tears that threatened to spill over her lids. She took a deep breath and settled back against the cushions, stalling. "Um...well...I don't know how to put this," she said honestly. Cordelia nodded.&nsbp; "Something happened...over the summer."
Cordy's eyes widened.&nsbp; "Did you do something with Xander?&nsbp; 'Cause if you did, I'll go Slayer on you. Not that I'm the actual Slayer or anything, but being a Slayerette let me pick stuff up," she said.&nsbp; Buffy cracked a grin.
"No, it wasn't Xander," she said as her throat constricted and her voice cracked.&nsbp; God, this was so hard to admit. But she wanted someone to know, someone other than Willow. Cordelia had seemed like the logical replacement for Angel. It's not like she could go and explain it to him...
"Then who was it? What happened? I can turn this into twenty questions if you don't start talking," Cordelia threatened. Buffy sighed and massaged her temples with the pads of her index fingers.
"His name was Parker," Buffy began. "We met over the summer at the mall and started hanging out. I was in majorly bad shape after the whole Angel thing and was moping. He was really sweet, and gorgeous, and funny," Buffy said, her mind drifting into the past. "I really liked him. Maybe he was rebound material, but I as drawn to him. We got kinda close...a little too close."
Buffy paused, trying to pull her emotions together.&nbbsp; She couldn't help the overflow of tears that suddenly began pouring down her cheeks. She was so ashamed of what had transpired. Cordelia wordlessly handed her a tissue and waited.
"I had sex with him, Cor," Buffy whispered. Cordelia stared at her in shock.&nsbp; Buffy? Buffy, who was so in love with Angel she never even looked at another guy?&nsbp; Buffy had slept with someone who wasn't Angel? "I don't know why, but it happened. It was..it was so strange. I kept comparing Parker to Angel...I-I just wanted to forget, I guess. Forget my hurt and my pain and move on. But I tried too hard, it was too quick...I..." Buffy broke off as her voice cracked. She was lost in the past, the horrible past that she now had to live with. She now had gotten a glimpse of the life Angel led, the guilt slowly eating away at her soul.
Buffy cried openly, the tears puffing her eyes and wetting the material of her boatneck shirt. Cordelia was still trying to overcome her shock, and she finally found her voice again.
"Wow, Buff...that's major.&nsbp; Where's this Parker guy now?" she asked, biting her tongue to keep herself from making some horrible comments about how normal girls who have just broken up with the love of their lives don't usually go out and screw the next guy who comes their way. Buffy was obviously wracked with guilt, no need to pile it on.
"With some other girl named Vanessa!&nsbp; I saw him last weekend when Will and I were shopping, he was all over her! And when I went up to talk to him...God, Cor, he was so unbelievably cold," Buffy said, her mind replaying that conversation once more.
"Hey Parker," Buffy said as she walked up to him, balancing her purchases.
"Hey," he said nonchalantly. Immediately she could tell something was wrong. His tone was cold and withdrawn, not the regular, happy sound he usually had.
"Haven't seen you in a few days. How come you didn't call?" Buffy asked. Willow shot her a look as Vanessa snapped her gum, obviously bored.
"I've been busy," he replied.
"Oh, um, okay," she said, utterly confused and a little hurt. He was paying much more attention to the attractive black haired girl on his arm. "Uh, Parker, can I talk to you for a sec?" Buffy asked. Her gaze rested on Vanessa. "Alone?"
Parker shrugged and nodded. Buffy led him away from Willow and Vanessa, pulling him into a small alcove. She looked up at him with big eyes. He ran a hand through his dark hair and waited for her to speak.
"What's going on? I mean, you bailed totally after..." Buffy trailed off, not wanting to admit what she had done. What they had done. "You didn't call. Why? Was it...that bad?" she asked, ghostly memories of an ancient conversation with her first lover surfacing.
Parker's dark gaze met her own. "No, Buffy, it was good, it was better than good. It was a fun, but..."
"Is that all it was? Fun?" she asked, her voice shaking. No, no, no, no, no.&nsbp; This was not happening again...
"Come on, Buff, you were all over it," Parker said, his voice cocky. "You've obviously done it before."
She visibly paled. Yeah, she had done it before. With someone who had loved and respected and admired her. Her voice was a bare whisper when she spoke. "I thought you liked me."
His eyes were sympathetic. "I do, but what did you think that meant, some sort of commitment?" Parker asked, glancing around. He really didn't want to make a scene.
"Yeah," Buffy said softly, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "Call me crazy, but something along those lines. You mean it meant nothing?"
"It was a good time, Buffy. That's all," Parker said, his eyes searching her face.
"A good time? Parker, we...we had sex. How can you be so casual about it?" she demanded, her tears threatening to overflow.
"It was just sex, Buffy. It's not a big deal," Parker replied, growing annoyed.
"It *is* a big deal!" she said, old memories once again shining through. She had had an identical conversation two and a half years ago...
"Look, maybe to you. But it didn't mean anything, Buffy," Parker told her harshly. "We both wanted it to happen, and it did. End of story."
"So that's it?" she asked, her hands thrown up in defeat. "I give you what you want and you go off to your next little girlfriend?"
"Look," Parker said. "It was fun while it lasted, Buffy. But it's over. We move on."
Buffy stared at him in shock and anger. "Fine," she said, her voice hard. "Moving on is something I should probably get used to, huh? First Angel, now you. The difference was that I actually had respect for him after everything we went through."
Parker was unfazed. He started backing up. "Whatever, Buffy. I'll see you around."
With those words, he was gone. A stray tear leaked down her cheek, taking its time as it hovered on the curve of her cheek before plunging down. She couldn't think. It was then that the guilt that had been present since the night they had gotten as intimate as two people could possibly be became more persistent, gnawing at her conscious, whispering to her wildly. She had allowed another man to do things only her true love should have done. The perfect night she had had with Angel was tarnished now, made a mockery of by what she had shared with Parker. It was with those thoughts that she turned and moved away, more tears falling freely.
Buffy related this all to Cordelia as more tears tracked down her cheeks. She hung her head in shame at the end of her tale. Cordelia was silent for a long time as she tried to figure out a way to tell Buffy her thoughts without hurting the Slayer even more.
"Did you really expect him to care afterwards, Buffy?" Cordelia asked, her voice a mix of mockery and concern. Buffy shrugged and looked away, wiping at her eyes absentmindedly.
"Yeah...I guess so. He was so sweet before it happened," she said, trying to justify her actions. Cordy winced.
"Buffy, I hate to tell you this, but I doubt Willow had the guts to," she said as she tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "Any guys that you hook up with or go out with won't treat you like Angel. To him, you were a goddess, his everything. You saved him more than once and he loved you more than anything in the world. Believe me, I know. He constantly talks about you. But guys today aren't like that. They don't appreciate women, we're just here for them to use.&nbps; Angel knew what it was like to not have anyone, which is why the love you two shared was so important to him.&nbps; He didn't take anything for granted, while Parker did. You'll never find another guy who worships you and adores you and loves you like Angel. Believe me, I've looked. He's one of a kind."
Cordelia's long speech brought fresh tears to her eyes. Every word was true and she knew it. No one would ever again look at her with pure love and adoration filling their entire gaze. She wouldn't light up anyone else's life like she had Angel's. What they had had only came along once in a lifetime and they had both gotten their chance. Angel had chosen to throw it away. And now she had done something she never even dreamed of doing, obscuring the love she and Angel had shared in a way that could never be fixed.
She felt mind-numbing sadness at the knowledge. She broke down completely, her sobs wracking her small frame. Cordelia took her in her arms awkwardly, allowing Buffy to cry on her shoulder. Angel would never forgive her.
After a time her sobs quieted. Cordy patted her back gently, soothing her. She slowly raised her head and wiped futilely at her tears. "Sorry about that," she said sheepishly as she sniffled.
"Hey, it's what I'm here for," Cordy replied, shrugging. She curled her legs under her body and shifted on the couch.
"What am I gonna do?" she whispered, her voice strained. Her eyes held a haunted look, so strong Cordelia flinched. She was killing herself with the guilt trip. Definitely not of the good.
"Talk to Angel," Cordy said firmly. Buffy's eye grew wide and she was taken aback. What was she supposed to say? 'Hey Angel, how's the soul saving coming? Oh, and by the way, I slept with this guy I knew for a month. Just thought you'd want to know.'
"I can't," Buffy said. She rolled her eyes.
"You have to. He needs to know."
"Uh uh," Buffy persisted. "I can't, Cordy. I could never look him in the eye."
She sighed. "You're gonna have to do it sooner or later. Might as well get it over with," Cordelia replied. Buffy shook her head firmly.
"Not now, Cordy, it's not the time," she said, her voice almost pleading. As much as she wanted to protest, she knew the Slayer's mind was made up. Nothing she said or did would change that. She could always go and tell Angel, but she would never betray Buffy's trust like that. She had been in the city long enough to know how lonely and depressing it was. Pushing away one of her best friends would not be a smart thing.
So she sighed and nodded. Perhaps, when Buffy finally worked up the nerve to tell Angel, he would forgive her right away and be understanding. She'd just have to wait and see. All she knew was that Buffy needed her love right now and her stubbornness was keeping them from a reunion both desperately needed. Buffy's and Angel's hearts were both battered and torn, worn from guilt and sadness and persisting love. What they needed was time to heal each other, and forgive mistakes like Parker and stop giving Cordy all the depressing thoughts that now floated around in her mind.
But as she gazed at the broken blond Slayer on her couch, she wondered if things would ever be the same between the two star crossed lovers.