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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this lovely little story, they belong to the mean man--a.k.a. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, yada, yada, yada. I'm just being NICE to them, something Joss never is, and I'll put them back when I'm done, good as new and HAPPY (well, maybe I'll keep Angel for a while). Please don't sue, I was doing them a favor in giving them some happiness, and they like me now.
Author's Notes: Ok, this takes place after Passion but before I Only Have Eyes For You. Becoming never happened. This is angst-heavy, so if you don't like angst, this probably isn't the story for you. This is the first of a trilogy of stories (I don't know what's gonna happen in them yet, though, I'm not that far). Umm...what else? Oh yeah. Feedback. If you read this story, I expect feedback. If you don't send any, I'll hunt you down and torture you for hours, k? Well, I really won't but it sounded kinda cool. And if you're a person who's into the kind of stuff that Harmony is (and I'm not saying you are), please don't take offense to the little comment I made. K, I'll shut up now. Enjoy!!!
Part 1
“I wasn’t ready, but I think I finally am. Angel is gone. Nothing’s ever gonna bring him back.”
Why do I still let him get to me? Why can’t I be strong, strong enough to let go? Buffy sighed, wiping a stray piece of blond hair from her face. Once again, she was thinking about Angel. She tried not to, but she just couldn’t help it. It was so hard to see him now, every time he was near she had to use all her will power not to run up and embrace him, kiss his soft lips, and tell him that she loves him. But she couldn’t. The Angel she loved was gone, and while his body was still here, the soul that had once inhabited that body was no longer there, leaving behind an empty shell, void of feelings and humanity.
At the thought of how her beloved Angel had lost his soul, tears sprung to Buffy’s eyes. It had been her fault, it was all her fault. She pushed him into sharing that one night with her. He had said that they shouldn’t, but she had almost lost him that night, twice in fact, and she just couldn’t help herself. She wanted to show him how much she needed and wanted him, how she couldn’t live without him. That night, the night of her seventeenth birthday, had been the most wonderful night of her life. She could still feel the whisper of his hand on her body, the gentle touch of his fingers, the hunger with which he took all she offered him, like she had been saving him from something. The heartbreak she felt now was too much to bear.
“Buff, you okay?” Willow asked, startling the Slayer out of her reverie.
“No, far from it, but I guess I’ll live.”
“Thinking about Angel again?” Willow inquired, knowing full well that she was. These days, Buffy could barely keep her mind off of him.
“I think I’m getting closer to being able to let go,” Buffy said, frightening herself as she stated it so calmly. She would never be able to let go, and in her heart she had known and accepted that. There was no way. It was one of the few things Buffy could not do, could not let go of her one true love. She never would be able to. She’d love him until the day she died, and even with her last breath her heart would still yearn for his, her soul would still cry out for her soul mate.
“Well, that’s a good, right?” Willow knew that Buffy would never be ready, there was no way, and her heart went out to her best friend. “I mean, it’s good that you’re getting closer.” She paused, not knowing what else to say. “I’m here for you, and you know I’ll be there with you when you can finally do it, giving you my love and support.”
The tears that had formed in Buffy’s eyes became too much, and they began cascading down her cheeks. When Buffy realized that they had begun to fall, she hastily wiped them away with the back of her hand. She didn’t deserve a friend like Willow, a friend who still cared for her after finding out that she had put them all in grave danger.
“Hey guys, whatcha doin?” Both Buffy and Willow looked up and immediately brought their hands to shade their eyes from the warm Southern California sun. Willow smiled at Xander and Cordelia, who had walked up hand in hand.
“Oh, nothing much, just thinking about how much my life sucks right now. Willow’s here giving me moral support,” Buffy said and smiled at her best friend wiping the last of the tears from her face.
“Sounds like fun. Uh, Buffy? You just totally smudged your mascara, and I thought you’d want to know so you could go fix it," Cordeila said as she tossed her brown hair over her shoulder. "Anyway, have you seen Giles yet? He was looking for you, and he seems kinda....stressed,” she noted, turning to Willow. "What’s with him lately? I mean he’s been acting all weird and snappy, and he can’t even pick out an outfit that matches anymore? I mean, how hard is it?” Looking at Xander, she grinned. “It must be a talent you have to pick up.”
“Hey, I resent that. I have very good fashion sense, right?” Xander asked both Willow and Buffy. The two girls just raised their eyebrows. “Oh sure, take her side. Fine.” He sat down next to Buffy and crossed his arms, turning his head the other way and pretending to be mad.
“Why am I dating a five year old?” Cordelia asked and sighed, sitting down in the place Buffy had just vacated.
“Because I’m a great kisser,” Xander grinned, and Cordy rolled her eyes.
“I’d better go see what new monster Giles has found for me to kill. See you guys later,” Buffy said and with a small wave, turned and walked to the library.
“Do you think we helped cheer her up at all?” Xander asked.
“Yeah, I think we took her mind off of Angel for a whole 3 seconds. It’s an improvement,” Willow responded, watching Buffy walk out of the sun and into the school. All three friends just sat and thought, wondering what they could do to help make her life better. The only answer they could come up with was to find a way to restore Angel’s soul again, or better yet make him human, and they all knew both things would be impossible to do. So they decided to just be there for her, when she needed someone to lean on, and keep searching for a way to help her.
“Giles?” Buffy called, stepping into the dark, cool library and looking around for her Watcher. She walked over and plopped herself down in one of the wooden chairs surrounding the research table.
“Buffy...good, I was hoping you’d come and check in before your next class. How was patrol last night?” Giles asked as he came down the stairs from the stacks, not surprisingly with several books.
“Quiet as a mouse. I don’t like it. That’s the third night I’ve gone out and there’s been nothing. Nothing at all. I should probably be enjoying this time off, but it feels like the calm before the storm. Giles? Are you even listening to me?” Buffy asked as she noticed her Watcher suddenly becoming very animated at something in one of his books.
“Hmm? Sorry, Buffy. I...I just think that I found something...I’ll need to research further. Why don’t you stop by the library before you go out on patrol tonight?” Giles said, then turned and headed back up to the stacks, very engrossed in his book, leaving a slightly troubled Buffy alone at the big table. As he walked off, she could have sworn he said “Orb of Thesulah” under his breath.
Shrugging, she got up and picked up her lime green shoulder bag, which matched the lime green silk tank top and the off-white pants she wore. She left the library and went into the girls’ bathroom to just be alone. And fix her mascara, so Cordy won’t freak out.
Once inside, she went over to the mirror and looked at herself. She looked stunning, the lime green looked surprisingly good on her, setting off her dark skin color, which she had gotten from spending the little time she had to herself in the sun. Her blond hair was swept up in white combs, and regardless of what Cordy often teased her about, her hair, makeup, and outfit were the latest style.
Her outfit might have given off the sense of cheerfulness, but Buffy was as far from it as possible. Setting down her bag on the side of the sink, she looked closely in the mirror and saw her red-rimmed eyes, which she couldn’t seem to get rid of (crying yourself to sleep every night would do that to you), and the expression on her face that read “My dog just died.” Or worse, “My heart was broken by my boyfriend who because of me is now a killing machine bent on driving me insane by killing my friends.” Yeah, the second one was definitely more accurate. She didn’t even have a dog. But she did have a boyfriend--ex-boyfriend--actually, they had never officially broken up--who was now a murderer and had already murdered Ms. Calendar. At the thought of her, a ping went through Buffy’s heart. She hadn’t been able to stop him, and he had killed the one person Giles had loved.
The door opened, and Harmony and some of the other “sheep” walked into the bathroom and immediately went to make sure their hair and makeup was perfect. Harmony turned to Buffy.
“So, Buffy, how come I haven’t seen that gorgeous boyfriend of yours around lately? What was his name? Oh yeah, Angel, right? Did he finally get some sense knocked into him and find someone who wasn’t a pyscho-looney?” Harmony giggled, which made the other sheep start giggling too.
Buffy eyes flashed. “Bitch,” she said and picked up her purse and walked out the door. Harmony stood there, stunned. Nobody called her a bitch. She was about to walk after her when one of her “friends” grabbed her arm.
“I don’t think you want to follow her. That girl’s a few bricks shy of a wall...or something like that. That’s how that saying goes, right? Anyway, she’s got major issues.” Harmony relaxed, realizing she was right. Turning back to the mirror, they once again became absorbed completely in their superficial world of hair, makeup, cheerleading, guys, and other things airheads are into. (No offense to any airheads that might be reading this.)
Later that night, Buffy was patrolling the graveyard. She had stopped by the library, but Giles had not been in share-mode and told her to go and patrol for a few hours, then check back with him at the library. Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordy had all gone to the Bronze, where Buffy longed to be. She didn’t like to be alone. Well, she always had her thoughts. But that was the reason Buffy hadn’t wanted to be alone. With no distractions, her mind was bombarded with images of Angel and the times they’d shared.
She hated to be alone with her thoughts. She hated to dwell on the past. But sometimes, it was better to dwell on the past than face the present. The present was always so hard to deal with, the parts of the past that were good were an escape.
And that’s what Buffy was doing.
Escaping.
Trying not to face the present, which involved dealing with the whole Angel thing. She sighed.
If she could change the past, she would take back that one night they had shared. Not that it had been bad or anything...the complete opposite. It had been the best night that she had ever had. But the ramifications of that night almost made it seem not worth the trouble she was now in. If it meant that she would get her Angel back, like it had been before, she would take back that night in an instant. But she couldn’t, and playing the “What if?” game was getting old.
She had to face this. She had to be strong enough to. Her boyfriend was gone.
Forever.
She’d never be able to hold his hand, kiss him tenderly, pull him close during a dance at the Bronze, see his face light up as she neared and know that she made his life a little easier when she was there, or get to fight alongside him against the forces of darkness.
He was one of them now.
And it was all her fault.
Dammit, she thought, there I go again. Dwelling on the damn past. God, live in the now, Buffy. Those good old days are gone. Forever. There’s no way to get them back.
A noise from behind startled her, and she leapt off the tombstone she had been sitting on, stake in her hand.
“Hello lover,” the demon that wore the face of her lover said as he appeared from behind the trees. He smirked, and Buffy regained her composure in an instant.
“Wow, I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you’d be off raising the Sunnydale death toll by killing some more of my friends or something fun like that. Maybe ‘playing house’ with Drusilla behind Spike’s back, if you get my meaning,” she replied.
“Wait a minute, I think you’re forgetting something. Ms. Calendar wasn’t your friend, remember honey? She was a Gypsy sent to spy on me and she also betrayed your trust," he looked her in the eye, causing a shiver to run down Buffy's spine. She quickly looked away. "I consider killing her a favor for you. Besides, she had translated the curse for me to get my soul back and...” Angelus trailed off when he saw Buffy's face, which had many emotions playing across it. That was not a good sign.
“The curse? The one that would restore your soul? She said it was lost. But she really had it all along?” Buffy gasped, speaking mostly to herself. Looking Angelus in the eye, she said, “So you killed her. Before she could tell anyone about the curse.” Realization dawned on her. Ms. Calendar had found the curse. It must be in her room somewhere, among all her other computer stuff that Buffy really didn’t have time to learn about.
“Now don’t go off getting big delusions of grandeur on me. There’s no way for you to get your boyfriend back. Angel’s dead, and he’s gonna stay that way. And to make sure of that, I destroyed both the printout and her computer.” He smirked again, and Buffy wanted to punch that smirk right off his face. He looked so proud of himself she wanted to scream--but there wouldn’t be time for that because her danger sense tingled and she turned, staking one of the three vamps that had snuck up on her. Before he had even turned to dust, she turned and dusted the one standing on her left. Startled, the vamp just grabbed at the stake that was now gone, and with a scream fell away, now being able to fit in an ashtray. The third vamp was giving her a pretty good fight. She kicked his face, making him flip over onto his back, where he stayed for a second, and that all that Buffy needed to drive the stake through his heart.
Turning, she saw Angelus applauding her. “My, my, you do look sexy when you fight,” he said, and seeing that it stung, turned and walked away slowly, laughing to himself. Buffy wished she could run after him and drive the stake she still clutched in her hand into his heart and rid the world of Angelus forever.
But she couldn’t.
I won’t let him get to me. I won’t let him get to me, she repeated to herself over and over again Sighing, she turned and headed back to the library to tell Giles what she had just learned about the curse.
Walking along the street towards the school, and the local Hellmouth, she allowed herself to fall into another reverie about Angel. She walked past the alley where she had first seen him, and where he had given her the cross she now wore around her neck. He had been so mysterious back then, she had been instantly attracted to him. She remembered all their times at the Bronze, how she had given him the cold shoulder after her summer in L.A., hoping to push him away by dancing with Xander. The Bronze was where she had first learned that he had a soul and was living with the guilt and sorrow of a hundred year’s worth of death and destruction that wasn’t his fault.
Dammit, she thought, and snapped out of her memories. She hated to do that. Glancing up, she saw her feet had carried her to his apartment building. Where they had...where they had done the one thing that destroyed the man she loved. Taken that one step, consummated their relationship, first with words, then with actions.
Turning away, she headed to the library, deliberately thinking about what Giles had to tell her so she would stop thinking about Angel. She was thinking of all the different things this new evil could be, and that occupied her thoughts until she reached the school. Pulling the library door open, she was surprised to see Xander and Cordy coming down from the stacks and Willow on the computer with Oz standing behind her.
“Hey guys, I didn’t know everybody was gonna be here. What’s the crisis of the week?” Buffy asked and took a seat next Willow.
“Um...Giles wanted us to...to help him...with research..and stuff, so here we are...helping him with research. And stuff...” Willow trailed off, looking around for Giles. “I think he’s in his office,” she said and pointed, urging Buffy to go see him before she decided to press Willow about her weird behavior.
Shrugging, Buffy got up and walked into the office, not noticing Willow open a document that said “spell,” which she had hastily closed when Buffy had entered the room.
“So, Giles, monster of the week. Let me guess. Some demon that cuts out your tongue and barbecues it like a hamburger? Or is it some vampire that’s like 3 thousand years old and has offed five slayers? Come on, spill. You’re driving me crazy here. I’ve had all these scenarios in my head that I dreamed up on the way over here--” Buffy was suddenly interrupted.
“Well...I hate to...um....tell you this, b-but it’s none of the above, actually. Take a seat,” Giles said, walking out of his office with Buffy in tow. He gestured to the chair that was nearest to her.
“Giles, just tell me. I highly doubt what you have to tell me is gonna shock me that much that I need to be sitting when you tell me. So just get it over with and tell me already. You’re driving me nuts!!!” Buffy exclaimed.
“Buff, are you sure?” Willow said worriedly.
“Yes, I’m sure. What, am I gonna die again, ‘cause all we need is Xander there, and I’ll be back on my feet,” Buffy grinned, then realizing nobody else was, became quiet.
“Alright...well, I suppose this might come out as seeming...seeming impossible... and like a joke...but I believe we’ve found a way to..to...how shall I say this?” Giles asked, then decided to be blunt for once and said plainly, “We’ve found the curse. The one that will restore Angel’s soul.”
Buffy drew in a sharp breath, her heart skipping a beat. Reaching shakily for the top of the chair, she steadied herself. “Wow, maybe I do need to sit down,” she said weakly and sank slowly into the chair. “Okay...so let me get this straight. You found the curse, the one that will restore Angel’s soul? Oh my God, where did you find it?” she blurted out.
“I found it. I dropped my pencil in between Ms. Calendar’s desk and filing cabinet...and when I stuck my hand down to get it, I found the disk it was on. It’s a good thing nobody moved them, or else we would never have found it,” Willow said, studying Buffy’s face intently. She noted that Buffy seemed to be recovering from the initial shock of it, and her emotions were beginning to play across her face. First realization, then hope, then...something Willow couldn’t pick up on. Was it fear?
“So, this isn’t some kind of joke? It’s the real thing?” Buffy asked again, still trying to absorb and process what they’d just told her.
“Yeah, do you want us to spell it out for you or something?” Cordelia asked suddenly, causing everyone who was not in shock to glare at her. “What?” she asked, oblivious.
“So what you’re saying is we can curse him again? That we can turn him back into Angel and get rid of Angelus? But isn’t it really dangerous?” Buffy said, suddenly with concern. She would not put her friends in any danger, even if it meant bringing Angel back. She’d do it herself if need be.
“Well--well we have been researching it, and it does not seem to be dangerous at all. All we need is an Orb of Thesulah, and we can begin the ritual. I actually have one, I believe, in my office,” Giles turned and walked into his private office, returning with what looked like one of those little snow globes without a stand. “I’ve been using it as a paperweight,” he said sheepishly.
“So that’s what you guys were doing when I came in before. Why didn’t you tell me?” Buffy asked, looking at Xander. He hadn’t said one word since she’d arrived. “Xand? What’s the matter?”
He looked up, making eye contact for the first time. Buffy could see the hurt and hatred in his eyes. “I don’t think he deserves it. I don’t think he deserves another chance.”
“Xander. We’ve been over this. It wasn’t Angel’s fault. He has no control over the demon,” Giles said, obviously irritated with having to keep repeating himself. God, if he could distinguish the difference between the two--he, the one who had been hurt the worst--then Xander should be able to as well.
“Yeah, I know, but that doesn’t make it any easier to forget. And I still can’t believe--” Xander started but was cut off by an angry Cordelia.
“Xander, give it a rest. We know you’re just jealous, but this isn’t the time for that. Let’s focus on the issue right now, okay?” Cordelia said in her don’t-start-with-me-you will-not-win voice. Xander reluctantly shut his mouth.
“Okay, now that that’s taken care of, shall we proceed?” Giles said, but Buffy stopped him.
“No. We can’t,” she said, and everyone looked at her, bewildered. “No, that’s not what I meant. We need him here. Locked up in there or something,” she gestured to the metal cage. “I’m afraid of what he’ll do once he’s...himself again. The guilt...” she broke off, not wanting to go on. They all nodded in agreement, except Xander, who suddenly found the tiles on the floor very interesting.
“Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll go find Angelus and knock him out. Then I’ll bring him back here and we can do the ritual thingy and then he’ll be Angel again. We’d better hurry though,” she said, glancing at the clock wall that read 4:27 a.m. “The sun’ll be up soon.”
Everybody exchanged glances again. “What is it now?” she demanded.
“This curse doesn’t just restore Angel’s soul,” Giles said. “It...it will
also make him....him human.” Buffy’s eyes lit up suddenly, then she fainted.