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Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Joss is God. All belongs to him and Mutant Enemy and what have you.
Author's Note: This takes place after events that happened in Lover’s Walk. Contains spoilers. This is a short fic about Willow, Xander and a little bit of Oz coming to terms with what happened in that episode. Plus it’s sorta a holiday fic. To get into the season, y’now?
2nd Note: I’d just like to say this was written like three weeks or so before the episode *Amends*. I had no idea it was going to snow...honestly but since it snows in my holiday story and in the episode, maybe it can be considered to be going on at the same time, except the Willow/Oz scene didn’t happen and my Willow/Xander did instead. Whatever. But this is all a bizarre coincidence.
I sit by my window and just stare. I can hear my parents arguing about me. Trying to figure why I’ve been so mopey and anti-social these past few weeks. Buffy calls sometimes and that’s about it. Xander doesn’t, Oz doesn’t and I’ve never really been called by anyone but those guys. I can hear my mom and dad blaming each other- trying to figure what’s happened to their daughter. Why she’s suddenly acting the way she did years ago, before she became friends with Buffy. They say I’m “regressing” and “wary” all of a sudden. I‘d always been sorta demure but the past year or so I’ve sorta been coming out of my shell. And suddenly...gone. Their Willow’s a-a-reclusive, friendless freak again.
I stand and turn on my CD player, unsure of what CD is even in there. I sit back down on the chair by my window and stare out of it. I replay scenes from the last few weeks in my head.
Xander showing me how to slow dance before Homecoming, that day in Study Hall when Giles was late, in the library late at night when I’d kissed him again. I’d never felt for anyone what I’d felt for Xander during those moments and whenever I thought about what had happened between us.
My room is super warm and toasty, the heating on high and it clashes with the coldness I know resides outside. It’s not freezing, this is California after all, but tonight it is incredibly cold by Sunnydale standards. The night before Christmas Eve. Which basically means nothing to me. I don’t celebrate Christmas and Hannukah has already passed, but I wonder if Xander is actually excited about the upcoming holiday.
I trace my hand along the window, unable to believe this has happened to me. I mean, me, of all people, being fought over. Xander and I had been losers for the longest time but now suddenly it’s like there were too many people feeling stuff for us for our own good.
‘Do What You Have To Do’ by Sarah McLaughlin is playing now, it’s soft and slow and combined with the cozy feeling of my room it almost counteracts the loneliness I’m experiencing. Which really only makes it worse. There’s nothing like knowing you should be feeling good when you feel like shit to make it worse.
I don’t even realise I’m crying until the first tear falls from my cheek onto my hand. I stare at it a moment, relishing the pain and then I wipe my cheeks to catch any excess tearage. I look out the window again and even though it’s really dark I can see someone approaching my house. I squint, lean forward and try to peer through the duskiness.
As the form approaches I finally recognise it. Xander. I jump up from where I am at the window, unlock my door and open it.
The cold air is like a slap across my face. I’d known it was cold but I hadn’t expected it to be this icold and it stops me a moment. He freezes and stares at me as I stand in the doorway. “Willow,” he says softly before I get a chance to interrupt, “I’ll go if you want me too. I won’t say anything, I’ll just leave. But I need to talk to you.” He’s pleading now, making his firmiliar puppy dog-slash-pouting face. Not on perpuse to get to me like he usually is but just cause that’s how he’s feeling. Pouty. I can tell. I always could. “I want to talk to you.”
I open the door wider and gesture for him to enter, “So talk,” I tell him.
He enters and smiles uneasily. I sit down on my bed as he shuts the door behind him and then I stare down at my sneakers, “Okay. I’m sorry about Oz. With him not talking to you and all. Really I am.” He sticks his hands in his back pockets and quietly adds, “But as you’ve maybe noticed Cordelia and I aren’t exactly on the best terms right now either.”
I look up at him for the first time since he first entered the room and resume speaking, “Buffy told me something.”
He says nothing but stares at me questioningly. I know he’s waiting for me to continue.
“Are you sure you want to hear it?”
He’s silent still and I wait for his response. “Yeah,” he says finally.
“Cordelia-” it hurts me to say this. I’m worried about his response. “She said something to Buffy once. Homecoming when they were trapped in a cabin she-” I pause again, and wonder what I’m so scared about. “Cordy admitted she thought she loved you.” He says nothing and I stare at his face, worrying about his response. I’m not sure how Xander and me are gonna end up but I just know that if he replies with a ‘oh shit I love her too, I gotta go after her’, I’ll be crushed. I hate to admit it- I hate to even think it but the fact is? I know I want to be with Xander. And I know I’ve fucked up things with Oz for good. So I wait for his answer, practically holding my breath.
He looks away from me and down at the floor, “Shit,” he swears, letting out a breath he seems to have been holding for a long time. He sits down on the bed next to me absently, as though he hasn’t even realised he’s done it. He turns to me finally and says, “She said that?”
I nod, “Mmm-hmm.” I bite my lip and mumble, “Do you love her?”
He looks at me immediately, his eyes focused on mine and says quickly, “Do you love me?”
“C’mon Xander,” I say, rolling my eyes, “I asked you first.”
He tentatively takes my hand in his, “Will, I don’t know how I feel about her. Honestly, I’m confused as hell. But it’s definitely not the same as how I feel about you.”
I start to smile and lean over. He does too and our lips meet. I tighten my arms around his neck and begin to lose myself in the moment when the phone rings. I pull back from Xander and grab it immediately, before it can ring again, “Yeah?”
“Hello.” It’s Oz’s voice and I tense up. Xander notices and loosens his grip around me. “Willow, are you busy?”
My throat is dry but I manage to croak out, “Not right this second. Why?”
“I want to talk to you. About us.”
I close my eyes and grip the phone tightly to keep from dropping the stupid thing. “Alright,” I reply. “Let’s talk.” He doesn’t continue and it’s moments before I realise that’s because he’s waiting for me to continue. He’s giving me a chance to tell my side of the story. “Oz, what I did wasn’t fair to you,” he still doesn’t speak, “It was cruel and selfish and-” I gesture for Xander to go stand outside for awhile. He seems nervous but he just nods, stands and leaves.
I stand up, turn off the CD player but by accident I end up simply flipping it so the radio is playing. ‘How’ by Lisa Loeb is on and I can’t bring myself to shut it off. It’s the song that was playing when Xander and I first kissed. I have it on CD. So I just lower the volume and sit back down. I continue speaking, “If I could go back...I dunno what I’d do. I was scared. I’ve never dumped anyone before. I’d never had too, y’now? You were my first boyfriend, how could I tell you I’d fallen for someone else?” He still hadn’t said a word.
“But the fact is, I fell for Xander a long time ago. And I know you sensed it. The bare truth of it, the really painful part is I’ve loved Xander since-” I smile, embarrassed, and admit, “well, forever. I wish I’d told you. I wish I’d had the guts to admit my feelings but Christ, Oz, I was so scared. I didn’t even tell Buffy what was happening between Xander and me.”
He spoke finally, “You weren’t going out with Buffy.”
I can see Xander outside, through my window. He’s staring up at the sky, smiling. “I just want us to be friends again, Oz.” He doesn’t say anything so I prod, “Can we?”
“Yeah,” he says after a moment’s pause, “But not right now. Not while the feelings are still so raw. I’ll call you when I’m ready,” he hangs up without saying goodbye and I just stare at the receiver in my hand, fighting back tears. I slowly put the receiver back in its cradle and get up.
I glance over at my window and gasp. It’s snowing. It hasn’t snowed here in years- years and years and years and years...and I run over to my door and yank it open. Xander’s standing in the middle of my yard, his head still up, his mouth open and tongue out. He’s catching snow flakes with his tongue. He doesn’t notice me and I freeze, watching him. It’s just such an innocent, childish thing to do. It almost makes me forget all that’s happened. I can feel the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile. And I know what I’m feeling all of a sudden- I love him.
He lowers his head and notices me for the first time. He stares at me a moment then rushes over and takes off his coat. “Will, you must be cold.” He puts the coat over my shoulders and I get this tingly feeling inside me the moment he touches me.
I remember I’m wearing only jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. And I’m suddenly cold. I shiver and wrap myself in his jacket. “I didn’t notice,” I admit, feeling like a moron.
He grins, “What were you doing?”
“Watching you. Catching snowflakes with your mouth. And thinking.”
Xander’s smile disappears immediately. He knows what I’m going through exactly. Cordelia refuses to talk to him. Or look at him. She won’t go near any of us either, not even Buffy or Giles. Nothing that reminds her of him. “It’s over with him?” I nod. He shakes his head in sympathy, “I am so sorry, Will.”
“I’ll be okay,” I tell him although I’m not so sure. I really like Oz. And I doubt I’ll be really fine again until Oz and me are friends again. “But,” I feel embarrassed asking him, like he’ll scoff and think I’m a baby. But I know that’s ridiculous. I plunge ahead. “But could you maybe hold me?”
He immediately grabs me and wraps his arms around me in tight embrace. I stare at the lightly falling snow from over his shoulder and take a deep breath. I can see the shape of my breathing in the cold. “Have I screwed up your entire Christmas?”
“Honestly?” He didn’t seem sad but I still waited for his reply. “Honestly Will, you’ve actually made it better. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before and it’s a great feeling.” He pulls away and looks straight at me, “You um,” he seems shy suddenly, “Wanna come over for Christmas Eve tomorrow night? I could tell my parents about us maybe...”
“Maybe,” I agree, shaking my head. “But for now can we just focus on this?”
“Will, I know we’ve hurt some people to be together but I just can’t help but be glad that we finally are.” He smiles at me in that crooked, adorable way he always does and I smile back.
“Me too, Xander,” I acknowledge softly. He takes my hands in his and we just stand there, staring into each others’ eyes. I can feel the snow landing on my face and how Xander’s hands aren’t clammy or gross but like, perfect temp. “Me too.”