|
|
Disclaimer: Don't say it. Don't even THINK it. I could NEVER be as evil or twisted as Joss. I'm a NICE person, and therefore I couldn't own the characters. They're property of the evilest guy alive, so don't sue. You'll have one angry fan on your hands. I'll get Wolfram and Hart after you. <g>
Author's Note: I can't seem to get this idea out of my head, and so I figure d I might as well write it instead of working on 'Windows'. All the past e-mail discussions about Buffy and Angel and their relationship made me write this. It took a life of its own after that... Didn't exactly turn out the way I planned, but oh well.
FEEDBACK: I love it. Who doesn't? If you feel like sending some, send it. If not, don't. This is more therapy then anything else...
DEDICATION: To Ducks, because she partly inspired this with her rant and her fic "Bitter". Also to Tamara, who brought up some very good points in her e-mail. And to Joss Whedon, just 'cause I have faith in him when I probably shouldn't.
"Angel, we need to talk."
Angel refused to acknowledge her presence, instead choosing to continue sifting through the paperwork on his desk. He regretted not locking up after Cordelia had gone out to lunch with Wesley and Faith. There was a pause as she waited for him to respond, and when he didn't she moved closer, stepping over the threshold into his office. Her shoes made sharp clicking sounds against the linoleum as she cautiously approached his desk.
"Look, I wanted to apologize--"
"An apology. How classic," he interrupted, refusing to look up at her. He didn't know if he'd be able to contain the rage inside of him if he actually looked at her...the rage SHE had created.
She exhaled sharply and fidgeted with her purse. Stalling, she pushed a strand of blond hair behind her ear and smoothed out her long skirt, trying to find the words.
What do you say to the man you've wounded so deeply and driven away?
"Look," she started, her voice neutral yet sounding somewhat strained. "I had no right to come charging in here like I did, and I know that."
"What, you mean you aren't the almighty passer of judgment on people that you appear to be? Could've fooled me," he snapped, clenching his teeth afterward to keep from saying something else.
"What do you want me to say, Angel? Huh?" she cried, throwing her hands up in defeat. "That I was wrong to come here? That I had no business butting in? That I shouldn't have gotten so angry with you when you showed up in Sunnydale and kicked my boyfriend's ass?"
"He had it coming," Angel said evenly, still not glancing up at her. Her perfume lazily reached his nose, but he refused to allow it to get to him. He'd been hurt by her for the last time.
"Let's not get into it now, okay?" she said, her voice bordering on pleading and anger.
"Well, what would you like to get into, Buffy?" Angel asked, making a note on one of the papers. "'Cause this is all about you. I don't see why I'm surprised, seeing how *everything* is *always* about you. Oh, and don't worry about me, I'm fine."
"Angel, will you stop being such a baby about this?!" Buffy said scoldingly. Angel's mocking laugh answered her.
"I'm being the baby? I think you've got it backwards, my dear girl," he said with an evil chuckle.
"You're saying *I'm* being the immature one here?" she demanded, her hands on her hips.
"You've always been the immature one," Angel told her calmly, his pen gliding across the paper. She shifted on her feet, and Angel's eyes flickered but did not rest on her. It was making her nervous. Good.
"Right, because fighting for my life every night and having to be the Slayer with a vampire boyfriend while trying to live a normal life and sending said boyfriend--which just happened to be you--to Hell takes a real immature person. Nice try, Angel," she snapped, her eyes burning holes into the top of his head.
He kept his eyes on the desk, barely acknowledging her presence. "You've always been immature, Buffy, and I made the mistake of putting you on a pedestal because you were the one who showed me there are things worth living for. But that's my fault, not yours." He shrugged nonchalantly, as though he was telling her he had forgotten to get some milk at the store.
There was a thick silence in the small office, and Angel could feel Buffy's anger. Not that he cared, though. No, the time for caring was long past. It was time he put himself first for once.
"What do you want me to say, Angel?" she asked desperately. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for coming here and I'm sorry for thinking that it was my job to fix Faith and I'm sorry for rubbing Riley in your face. I just didn't think--"
"That's your problem, Buffy," he said harshly as he stood and walked around his desk to the bookshelf, still not looking at her. "You don't think. You just charge ahead with your plan and don't care who gets hurt in the process. It might work fine for slaying, but when you're dealing with people it usually doesn't turn out as well."
Buffy stared at him, her eyes boring into his back. "I didn't know being impulsive was such a crime," she snapped. Angel whirled around and looked at her for the first time, his eyes cold and hard. She took a step back with one foot, then realized she was giving in and stood her ground.
"Well, it is. The world doesn't revolve around you, Buffy, despite what you might think. People have feelings, and hearts, and you can't just trample all over them and expect things to be peachy," Angel told her, his eyes locked on hers mockingly.
"Is that what you think?" she demanded. "Don't give me this bull shit, Angel, because I did *not* come here for you to judge me."
"I'm not judging you, Buffy, I'm merely telling you the truth," he replied, turning back to the bookcase and absentmindedly running his long fingers over the spines.
"And how would you know? You don't know me, anymore, Angel. You stopped knowing me the moment you walked away from me," Buffy said, her gaze never wavering from the back of his head.
"That's ridiculous," he replied calmly. "I know you, Buffy. I'll always know you."
"That's not true!" she cried angrily, stamping her foot in protest. "Dammit Angel, you don't know me anymore! You know nothing about my life, so don't you think you can stand there and call me immature and insensitive."
"What's the matter, Buffy? Can't handle the truth?" he asked mockingly, turning back to his desk and the angry blonde that stood before it.
"I can handle the truth," she said evenly. "I don't do well with lies, though."
"And you're saying these are lies?" Angel challenged. "You don't think it was insensitive of you to come to *my* town without me knowing about it just to check up on Faith? You didn't think it would be hard for me, did you? Well guess what, Buffy, it was. Regardless of what you might think, it's no easier for me than it is for you."
Buffy's mouth tightened at his words. "I already said I was wrong to come here," she said, her throat feeling extremely tight, as though it didn't want the words to escape her lips. If she spoke them, they'd be true...
"Yes, you did," he agreed. "You never said why."
"I would think it was kind of obvious," Buffy retorted. "But since you seem to think you're so above everything, I'll say it. I had no right to come check up on you, or to see what you were doing with Faith."
Angel smirked as he ambled back to his desk. "There," he said, a sharp edge to his voice, "was that so hard?"
"Why are you being such a jerk about this?" she cried, throwing her hands up in the air. Angel stopped dead and stared at her.
"First I don't know you, and now I'm a jerk. What next? Gonna pull out the vampire card too?" he asked. "For your information, Buffy, you're the one who's being a jerk. You couldn't just move on after the Faith thing and get on with your life, could you? Nooo, our high and mighty Slayer had to come back for revenge. You had to rush blindly into something you had no idea about and nearly ruin it. That's *real* noble of you."
"You don't know what she did to me," Buffy said in a low, dangerous voice. "She made my life a living hell by stealing my body and sleeping with my boyfriend, so don't you *dare* tell me I shouldn't have come for revenge. Oh, and let's not forget the time where she *poisoned* you and you nearly *died*. Do I need to refresh your memory? Here, let me," she cried, pushing her hair to the side and exposing the creamy column of her throat.
Angel's scar stood out against the smooth skin, a reminder of what she had given up for him that fateful night.
Angel couldn't help but feel a masculine sense of pride and possession at the sight. He'd branded her as his for all eternity. Funny how unappealing the thought suddenly was.
"You deal and move on, Buffy. It's part of life."
"Oh, I have," she said smugly. "I've dealt, and I've moved on. On to bigger and better things, just like you wanted."
"Good for you," he said simply, returning to stand behind his desk.
"That's all you have to say?!" she shouted, throwing her purse down. "God, Angel, she tried to kill you. And me! On several occasions, it wasn't just a one-time thing. And yet you just welcomed her with open arms. How very forgiving of you."
"What bothers you more, the fact that I did forgive her or that you weren't the one she came to?" he asked quietly, his gaze locked on hers once more. "Or maybe it's just that you're jealous because I understand her more than you do and you can't handle that."
"Please," Buffy scoffed.
"I don't know what your problem is, but you can't seem to realize that the universe does *not* revolve around you. People need to be saved. If it's from a demon, they call you. Souls are more along my line of work, though," he snapped.
"I don't think the world revolves around me!" she shouted, her words echoing in the room.
"Don't you? You all but threaten me with a stake when I show up to save *your* ass in Sunnydale, and yet you have no problem waltzing in here like you own the place. Which, by the way, you don't. You think that you're the only one who got hurt when we broke up and I left, but you're not. As hard as it might be for you to believe, I hurt too," Angel told her, shuffling a few papers and paper clipping them. He turned away from her to put them in his filing cabinet, not knowing--or caring--if she was going to be there when he turned back around.
The sound of glass shattering made him turn quickly around. Buffy had taken the clock off his desk--the same one he'd put on when she'd come the last time--and thrown it against the wall, angry tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Don't do that, dammit! Don't make it sound like this is all my fault!" she cried furiously, rivers of tears sliding easily down her face. "Dammit Angel, I was doing okay. I was getting my life back together and getting over you and then you just show up and I didn't know what to do. It took me two months to get back on track and then I was doing fine until Faith showed up and I found out she was here. And then you have the *nerve* to come to *my* town and attack *my* boyfriend, and you *also* have the balls to tell me that I don't deserve revenge."
"You think that as easy for me?!" he countered, striding around the desk and standing before her. He towered over her, and he leaned down close to her when he spoke. "Do you know how hard it was for *me* to walk back into that town after everything that had happened there? Do you think it was *easy* for me to ask the Oracles to erase the day we spent together? Do you even care about how hard it was to walk into my kitchen or sleep in my bed and not remember everything that happened there? Do you know what it's like to have all these memories of a day that never happened, and have to walk around with them for the rest of my life? Do you know how much it hurts to see you with someone else, all happy and smiling, when I'm sitting here as miserable as can be?"
"What?" Buffy asked, incredibly confused.
"Do you know what I sacrificed when I gave up my humanity for you?" he continued, ignoring her. "I gave my life for you, Buffy, and you didn't even care. It was about you, then, and it's about you now. When did you get to be so selfish?"
"What are you talking about?" she asked, her voice somewhat frenzied from shock at his words. Angel shook his head.
"You don't remember, and it's a good thing you don't. You wouldn't know how to treasure the memories, and you won't be able to realize how special they are," he told her, staring deep into the hazel eyes he used to get so lost in. Now there were too many walls between them, and it was impossible.
"I was wrong in coming here, and I know that!" she cried, deciding to ignore his remarks. "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"
"Say it until you mean it," Angel replied. "And even then it won't matter, because it was done."
Buffy turned away from him in fury, taking several calming breaths in an effort to slow her racing heart and soothe her anger. When she spoke again, it was in a low voice. "I had no right to come, and I knew that even when I was driving up here. What you do and who you help is your business, and I had no right to interfere." She paused, and slowly turned around again, her eyes bright with more tears. "And I'm sorry for getting so upset with you when you came to Sunnydale. I didn't mean what I said," she said softly, looking away from him.
"Thank you," Angel said. "Thanks for realizing you were wrong."
"Yes, I was wrong," she acknowledged, refusing to meet his gaze again. "I was wrong to charge in here and think I could take over, I was wrong to say all that to you, and I was wrong to rub Riley in your face."
"Yeah, you were," Angel agreed. He made no move to comfort her, and she cried silently in front of him.
"It just threw me," she confessed, finding the courage to look up at him again. "Seeing you again...bringing back all the memories. It hurt, and I lashed out like some wounded animal or something." She tried to smile but found her lips would not move.
"You're young, Buffy, that's what you're supposed to do," he said, leaning on his desk and crossing his arms over his broad chest.
"No, it's not," she said with a sniffle. "You didn't deserve it, and you have every right to hate me right now."
"I don't, for the record."
A silence fell over them. The minutes stretched and blurred, melding together as they stood facing one another. Time slipped away as it always seemed to, and they were left alone with their thoughts and each other.
"Is Riley okay?" Angel asked, trying hard to keep a smile off his face as the thought of how he'd kicked the commando's ass popped into his mind. Buffy sniffled and wiped at her tears.
"A little sore, but he'll live," she replied softly, her throat constricted with emotion. She'd come to apologize and found herself being pulled right back into the circle she'd fought so hard to escape.
"He seems like a nice enough guy," Angel commented casually. Buffy's lips curled up in a half smile.
"You hate his guts."
"Hate is such a strong word..." Angel paused, glancing down at his hands. "Do you love him?"
Buffy was silent for a long time, and when she answered him her eyes were on the floor. "I'm happy," she said, quickly looking up into his eyes. "He makes me happy."
Angel shifted uncomfortably. "I'm glad," he said, the note of sadness in his voice not lost on her.
"But you're not," she said slowly, her eyes brimming with tears.
"Not glad?" he asked, his voice suddenly suspicious.
"Not happy," Buffy elaborated. Angel immediately closed his mouth and looked away from her sparkling eyes. "That's not fair."
"We all know that me getting happy is never a good thing," he said, trying to shrug it off.
"But it's not okay," she insisted, placing a gentle hand on his arm. "You're all alone here. You haven't found anyone."
"I haven't really been looking," he said, casually removing her hand from his arm.
"I hate the thought of you being so lonely," Buffy confessed, her hand reaching up to cup his cheek. "You don't deserve to be lonely."
"No one does," Angel corrected. Buffy shook her head as he turned his cheek into her palm slightly, savoring the feeling of her skin on his.
"You deserve so much more than this," she whispered, her fingers tracing over his face. "You always put everyone--including me--ahead of yourself. You don't have to be lonely, Angel."
"I know," he murmured. "But I choose to be."
"Why?"
"Because I've known perfection, and I can't settle for anything else," he told her softly, his eyes bright with tears. She bit her lip to keep from crying out at his words.
"All I want is for you to be happy," she whispered brokenly, nearly sobbing at the injustice of it all. He was so wonderful and perfect... "And since I don't deserve you, you need to find someone who does."
Angel seized her hands and stared down at her. "How can I find someone else when you're the only one I want?" Buffy sobbed, bringing her hands up to her face. "How can I try and find my soul when I already have?"
Her eyes locked on his and there was nothing else in the world to her at that moment. "We need this time apart. You were right," she whispered, her hand lifting to wipe a stray tear from his cheek. "We were killing each other slowly by being together and not *being* together. How did you get to be so wise?"
"Two-hundred and fifty years on this earth will do that to you," he joked, his lips curving up in his trademark half-smile.
"I don't blame you for leaving," she continued, her finger tracing a path along his jaw. "You must've been suffocating with me...and I never noticed."
"I didn't let it show," he said simply.
"I'm trying, Angel. It's just so hard... I'm making mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them, and I'm trying to make myself a better person. I say I'm doing it for me, but I'm really doing it for you. You inspire me to be so much better than I am...and I just wanted you to know that," she whispered, tracing the gentle curve of the lips she knew so well.
"Change for yourself, Buffy, not for other people," he told her, kissing her palm softly. Being with her both eased and intensified his pain, and yet he didn't move. He was content to stay there for all eternity, just talking to her.
She looked away suddenly, her gaze roaming over the room. "Angel, I really am sorry for all the trouble I caused. Just the thought of you helping her after everything she did to us made me crazy. Thank you for taking the time to see what I had given up on."
He smiled down at her. "Never give up, my love. Never give up on anything you think is worth fighting for."
She could've pointed out that he had given up on them, but she knew that that wasn't true. He'd run out of options. They'd run out of time. So she smiled up at him through her haze of tears, and jokingly said, "Well, I know who to come for when I want to write one of those life-lesson lists."
"You're happy?" Angel asked again, his eyes searching her face. She nodded hesitantly.
"Happy enough."
"Good,"
"But you're not," she reminded him. As if he needed reminding. "And that makes me unhappy. If you ever meet someone, Angel..." She took a deep breath. "I want you to try and find some kind of happiness with her. I hate knowing that you're lonely."
Angel looked away. "Don't worry about me."
"But I do," she protested. "I worry about you every day."
"I miss you every day."
"Every minute," she corrected, blinking back more tears.
"I love you every minute," Angel said softly, breaking and healing Buffy's heart.
"I love you every day, every minute. No matter who I'm with, I'll always love you," she whispered, her voice cracking as a sob tore through her. Her heart shattered into a million pieces again, and yet she felt a peace descend over her. This was the way it had to be, at least for now.
"Don't be afraid to lose yourself in love, Buffy," Angel said seriously. "Don't hold back on my account."
"The same goes for you."
"I'm sorry for beating up your boyfriend," he said, making her smile through her tears.
"You're forgiven."
"As are you."
And suddenly their lips were touching for just a moment, and the world stopped turning. It couldn't be helped, Buffy and Angel were pulled together by something greater and more powerful than them and always would be. As their lips touched, they accepted this as the truth. It was not like previous kisses, full of passion and fire. It was bittersweet, for their tears melded together on their lips and joined forever, the way their souls were joined. It ended after that moment, and they each took a step back to collect themselves.
"I want you to know that no matter how angry I am with you, or how much I hurt you, I will always love you a million times more than that," Buffy said, wiping the tears from her blotchy cheeks. Angel nodded. "You have such a beautiful soul, Angel. I hope one day you can find your peace."
"And I hope that you can find yours, and that Riley will make you very happy," he replied, lifting her hand and kissing the back of it incredibly gently. She shivered at the feeling.
"You'll always be my true love," she whispered, pulling away from him and heading for the door.
"And you'll always be the owner of my heart, and my soul."
And so they went their separate ways, two people trying to find what it was they were searching for. It wasn't love, for they had already found that. It was hope for a new beginning, and redemption and a sense of self that would blossom into that beginning.
And they would search for it every day until they were together again.