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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they belong to Joss Whedon (who did this to them in the first place) and all the other people like the WB (who is the reason I had to write this fic, because if they had just *showed* the ep–!)
Author’s Notes: This takes place where "Graduation Part 2" would be except I haven't seen it, so this is just kinda what I think might happen. The song is "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan which is a great song and I love it. I also love comments! Email me!
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like Hell
My fingers tighten convulsively around his as his breathing catches for a second, only that and then resums again, a harsh rasp in the silence of my prayers. The movement causes the ache in my neck to intensify. My free hand strays to the bandage and I feel the pain again, the pain and the terror as his fangs pierced my flesh. And now he lays so peacefully at my side.
It hurt so much, but I closed my eyes and made myself think of Angel. I made myself see him lying in his bed, trembling and sick. I made myself feel the shivering of his skin beneath my hand.
I made myself think of how much more painful it must have been when I sent him to Hell.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
When will he wake up? When will I know if it was enough, if he will heal or if it was all for nothing, if my blood was for nothing. Giles didn’t know, none of them knew if he had to drain a Slayer, or merely drink a little of her blood. Truly, I was willing to let him do the first. I couldn’t have stopped him if he had tried, all unknowing. I gave myself to him completely. And he left most of me, to lay her beside him and pray.
The fever is gone at least, and his shuddering has subsided. I don’t have to watch him suffer at least. It was so hard to see that, to see him suffer. I love him so much.
What is it in me that refuses to believe?
This isn’t easier than the real thing
Somehow it still doesn’t seem real. Even the pain doesn’t seem real. Nothing’s seemed totally real since he told me he was leaving. Nothing except him, maybe, except the sight of him dying. Except his fingers in mine now. After sunrise they’ll be coming for me, coming to find out if he lives or not. Coming to take me away to save the world. Again. Or maybe it’s just the town this time…
Part of me thinks this is easier, so much easier. Just a cut on my neck, a little blood, and a night by his side. But it isn’t easier. At least the Mayor I can fight. I can’t fight this, not anymore. I did what I could and now all I can do is wait.
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know that I’d do anything for you
And my love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
I can still feel the hurt of his words, the pain of knowing he’s leaving, but it’s a distant thing, so far away. It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change how much I love him. Nothing could do that, I see it now. Nothing can ever alter that, nothing can come between us.
"Only get better," I whisper to him. "Just get better Angel. Hold on to life." My fingers clutch his as if I can hold him here myself, as if I just the physical holding him will keep his soul with me.
Even if he leaves me again. Even if he wakes up and gets strong and say all the same things, gives me all the same horrible reasons. Even if he walks away. I will still love him, forever. And I won’t be angry, not at him. I won’t be angry at myself either. I was, I thought, what did I do, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t keep him, but the truth was, nothing. I’ve done everything I could for him. And if he leaves, I will ache and die and miss him with every second.
But I will always love him.
Am I in Heaven here or am I...
At the crossroads I am standing
If Angel is all right, I can face anything. I can do anything. I can kill the mayor and maybe even graduate. But if he’s dying…
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
You’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
Please be all right, I beg silently. You must me all right. For me.
Giles said if he survives until sunrise, it will mean there was enough blood. It will mean he is better, or on his way anyway. I can see it now, he’ll wake up and see me and smile so softly, because he’ll be alive.
Just let it be sunrise soon. Let it be sunrise.
The mansion is so quiet, so still and dark. All I can hear is his breathing, all I feel is his hand, pressed into mine, held so tightly. I should sleep, I’ll need rest to fight the mayor. But I can’t even close my eyes, I have to listen, because if he stops breathing, if he stops…my world stops and everything stops. So I don’t sleep, I only pray, as I never have before.
Oh God
If you’re out there won’t you hear me?
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God
The man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes
To your door?
If he does die, if anything happens to him. Oh he has to go to Heaven. He has to make it to Heaven. He deservs it more than anyone I’ve ever met or ever even dreamed of. What if a vampire’s sins reflect on the soul? No. No. And he won’t die. He can’t.
My hand tightens again. I won’t let him slip away. I won’t let him away. Please God, don’t take him away from me. I can survive if he leaves me, because at least he’ll be alive. At least he’ll be on the this world. Oh God, don’t take him away, not like this, not forever.
Am I in Heaven here or am I in Hell?
At the crossroads I am standing
I could so easily be ecstatic, or so very easily be in anguish. If he wakes…but if his breathing slows, if it stops…Oh Angel.
Now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile…
His breathing is so gentle, breath by breath by breath. Oh God, let him get well, let him open his eyes and see me. I’m so frightened, so scared and he is so peaceful.
"Angel," I whisper, "I love you Angel. Please get strong and wake up and greet the day with me, even without the sunlight. Please Angel, I love you." I move closer, nestling my head between his shoulder and his face, so his cheek brushes my forehead. I curl around him, bringing his hand to my face, kissing it so softly. My neck aches, but I hardly notice, I hardly feel. All that matters is him, all I need is him. My Angel.
When the dawn comes, I will leave this place, I will leave him and I will go to my school and dress up in a crimson gown. I will sit with my friends and receive my diploma and then I will fight a demon, a massive killer. I will kill him, I will keep him from hurting them, from hurting anyone as he had hurt Angel. But before I go, I just want to know, I just want some hope. I just want to see him smile at me.
"Hold on Angel. Hold on."
Now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
For a second I thought I’d imagined it, the slightest twitch of a finger. Probably just my drowsy mind imagining things, supplying that which I hope so much for.
But maybe, maybe not.
I take a deep breath and I feel it, I feel him stirring, so slightly. Beneath the curtain I see the slight lightening that means it is almost dawn. The light creeps forward into the room, just as his fingers tighten around mine. I clutch him tighter and push myself up, so slowly, afraid to let myself hope. It is dawn, and now is the time when I will see, or not. In moments they will come to find me. In moments I will live or die. Now, I must see him.
His face is still, sleeping, and yet his hands clutch mine as if he too, is trying to keep himself in this world, as if he wants to be here as desperately as I need him to stay.
"Hold on," I whisper. "Just hold on to me Angel." And he does, and his fingers tighten. The light is growing, though the sun doesn’t reach where we lay. Still, it’s creeping, growing. And my heart trembles, wondering, praying.
And then, all at once, it comes; he opens his dark eyes and the smile sweeps across his face, the most beautiful sunrise this world has ever seen.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like
Hell