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Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Author's Notes: I own no one. They are all the property of Joss Whedon. Aside from that, I suppose this story and the ones that will follow it require some explanation. As of the latest episode, “Expecting,” I have decided it might be fun to write down journal entries the way I imagine Cordelia would write them. There will be at least one to mark each episode of the series thus far, and will end whenever the Angel Series Finale airs. Hope you enjoy the look into Cordelia’s mind as much as I will enjoy writing about it.
On a side note, each entry will be subtitled with a quote from the episode of which it’s about. Enjoy:
“I Thought I‘d Feel Better If I Could Hold Something Tangible He Left Behind. There‘s Nothing.”
December 9, 1999
I consider myself as being pretty much down with the fact that danger lurks in every shadow in LA. I’ve faced most of them myself with my vampire boss, Angel. But until what happened yesterday, I thought I’d have no problem determining who to trust. Believe me, you don’t want to have faith in the wrong person in this town--unless (God forbid) you WANT to have your eyes gouged out.
Angel and I were still hurting from Doyle’s death, each of us finding our own ways to deal with it. So yesterday morning found me pacing around the office, trying to find some object that Doyle might have left here. I know it sounds confusing, but I thought I’d feel better if there was some proof he existed... Of course, Angel caught me doing this, and sort of insisted I take a few days off. Maybe I overreacted, taking it as a sign that he was pushing me away, but there’s nothing like the death of a close friend to make you cling harder to the ones you have left.
In my case though, I didn’t cling TOO hard, as I had a commercial audition (for a national, no less) that I had to go to. On my way out of the office, I was nearly scared out of my wits by the entrance of Barney, an empath demon who wasn’t too much to look at. I watched him plead frantically with Angel for help, though I didn’t stick around to discover what the problem was.
The audition went fairly well, and the casting agents were overly nice considering I got all weepy during the first run-through. I recovered for a second try at it though, which I’m sure would have won me the role, except... I got a VERY up-close-and-personal look at what Doyle’s visions had been all about when I actually had one myself! I know I wanted something of his, but I’ll tell you--this was not it! The stupid vision not only lost me the role entirely, it also caused a migraine that was nothing short of head-crunching!
When I got back to the office, the only thing I wanted was to be rid of it as soon as possible. And what better way was there than doing the same thing that I assume Doyle did to pass it on to me? In any event, I’d say Angel was pretty caught off guard when I actually walked over and kissed him--which I have to admit wasn’t too bad, considering he was trying to push me away. But afterwards, when I explained it to him... it proved how different our attitudes concerning the visions was.
Angel was excited but impatient over it more than anything, pressing me for information on what I’d seen, which I could only describe as an ugly, gray blobby thing. Eventually, I conceded to Angel’s request that I try to sketch it, but that didn’t stop me from laying one on Barney when he entered the room--and that was like smooching a dead fish, in my opinion.
Barney’s whole deal, as I learned from Angel, was that someone was after him, had been on his tail since Phoenix or something. So, while Angel went to stake out Barney’s place, I could only do my best to draw the gray blobby thing. At least, until Barney engaged me in conversation, surprising me with his ability to read emotions. He could tell I was thinking and feeling sad about Doyle with no problem.
Angel returned some time later with a dark “stranger”; the presence of the latter freaked out Barney, who he identified as the guy after him. While Angel hurried to calm down our visiting empath demon, I seized the opportunity to lock lips with the third man I came across. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was none other than Wesley, a guy who... well, let’s just say I was involved briefly with him back in Sunnydale, the relationship called on the account of he was the worst kisser ever. Fortunately, he had improved in the months since I’d last seen him; I didn’t even realize it WAS him until I got a good look.
Getting back to the point... It turned out that Wesley wasn’t really hunting Barney; he was hunting something else THAT was hunting Barney. That’s where the Kungi demon comes in; based on what we knew (or thought we knew) it was crossing the continent stealing psychic powers--or rather, the source of them--from other demons.
While Wesley and Angel went out to track and kill the Kungi, Barney got me to open up to him, and my near fatal mistake was letting him know about the visions. It was pretty obvious by the way Barney subsequently assaulted and kidnapped me that he was the one stealing powers, and as of that moment, he wanted mine as well.
When I recovered from the attack, I didn’t know where I was, but was surprised none the less to see my ‘ugly gray blobby thing’ staring me in the face; it was actually a statue of some sort that would aid Angel and Wesley in finding me. But what came next was the real kicker; Barney was actually going to AUCTION off my newfound power.
I bought myself a little time during the actual auction by selling myself voluntarily, but it didn’t keep. I was eventually purchased by some lawyer from Wolfram & Hart... They’re actually a very shady law firm, by the way, whom Angel and I have had quite a few dealings with. This is a firm that even had Russell Winters, Ronald Meltzer, and Little Tony as clients, which should tell you how evil they are...
But I digress... This lawyer simply wanted my EYES extracted, which Barney was more than happy to oblige to. He would have succeeded too, if Angel and Wesley hadn’t had such perfect timing. Big fight, the guys rescued me, and I got to kill Barney by stabbing him with a Kungi horn, draining the life out of him.
The one good thing about Barney though... he kind of helped me to see that I should be more appreciative of the visions. After all, Doyle trusted me enough to think I could handle this responsibility; in doing so, he gave me the most valuable possession he had, if that makes sense... So, it would now appear that, even if my acting career does take off one day, I’m still tied to Angel and the business. It’s something I’m probably not going to be able to walk away from as easily now.
Wesley, too, is having trouble walking away. He put on this big show like he was going to take to the wind, but actually settled in to eat breakfast with Angel and I at the first hint of food. I have a feeling that Wes is going to be around for a while. From my experience, the guy’s like a little lost puppy dog who’ll stick by your side at the first sign of affection. He’s not Doyle, and he’ll never take his place... but it is nice to know that there’s someone there to at least fill the gap. And maybe someday soon, that feeling of the three of us making a good team will come around again...