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Disclaimer: These characters that you all know and love aren’t mine. You know, I know, they know. They just make me say it. I know I’d be a hell of a lot nicer to them then Joss is, but he doesn’t see it that way. They belong to him, his company Mutant Enemy, and the WB. ‘Leaving On a Jet Plane’ belongs to someone, I don’t know who. All I know is the song in this story is the Chantal Kreviazuk version, off the Armageddon Soundtrack.
Author’s Notes: I was scarred. In the major sense. The Prom did it to me. We’re talking huge emotional scars that will take years to heal and lots and lots of expensive therapy that Joss is paying for. This is one form of that therapy. Be ready to get a few stories from me about the aftermath of that episode. I don’t know if they’ll all have happy endings, but they’ll help me deal. Okay, okay, so I stole a line from ‘Great Expectations.’ It was just too good!! I had to. Feedback is a must, I throw things when I don’t get any. It isn’t pretty, so save me the aggravation and let me know what you think!!!!
She couldn’t believe that he had come. Never in a billion years had she dreamed that after everything that had happened they’d be dancing together at her high school prom. Talk about love making people do the wacky. And he was here, holding her gently. She had to keep looking up into his beautiful face to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. And he was real, his sad, soulful eyes stared back at her. Her heart was so battered, she didn’t know if she’d survive when the dance was over and reality set in. She didn’t want to think about it. Thinking hurt too much. So she just swayed.
He stood, holding her, protecting her. She kept gazing up at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. He memorized her face and the way she felt, knowing it would get him through the next lonely millennium. He could see the raw agony behind her fasçade, the way she was trying to be so strong when her heart was so damaged. He could see the joy and the hope, and that made him uneasy. His intent had been for her to get her one perfect high school moment and remember him always through it. He had not meant to bring her hope that he was staying. Even though she had said she knew that, he didn’t believe she meant it. But she would, she’d have to. There was no other choice.
The song they swayed to was perfect for them. Angel knew in his heart he wouldn’t be able to stay away forever, one or two years would break his control and he’d be back. Hopefully by then she’d have someone else. For her sake, at least. His feelings were nothing compared to hers, he hadn’t even begun to deal with the soul wrenching pain that accompanied his decision. But for once, he felt like he was doing the right thing.
“Okay, ladies and gentleman. This is the *last* song of the evening, thus culminating the end of your senior prom,” the DJ said as the music faded. The prom-goers all stopped dancing and looked at him attentively. Buffy stood, safely tucked under Angel’s arm, protected from her feelings for the time being. “Before we get it underway, though, I’m supposed to thank the Prom committee for their wonderful set up. Let’s give them a hand, shall we?” The seniors broke out into applause, whistling and cheering for their friends.
“Okay, now this next song is to serve two purposes. One, it’s a request. Last minute, in fact, to our lady of the evening Buffy Summers,” the DJ said as he cued up the song and kept it on pause. Buffy looked around, startled, as her classmates’ gazes once again fell on her. Her face matched her dress color.
“I had no idea I was so popular,” she said quietly. Those around her laughed.
“Buffy, it’s dedicated to you from Angel. He wants you to know he’ll always love you, but it’s better this way,” he said. Buffy gazed up at Angel to find him staring down at her with deep sadness in his dark eyes. She felt tears well up, but forced them down, willing herself not to cry in front of her fellow students.
“It also goes out to all the couples out there who have some tough roads ahead.”
The slow music started and Buffy once again found Angel’s hand, entwining it with her own and resting her head on his shoulder. His chin sat softly on her blond hair, and they swayed to the music, trying desperately to fight the pain.
I...
I...
All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin'
This early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could cry...
Buffy recognized the song immediately, she had the Armageddon Soundtrack. She had bought it during her summer away from home and listened to it on the discman she had brought, wallowing in grief. She felt so overwhelmed, she fought the growing tide of loneliness and heartbreak that threatened to drown her. All she could allow herself to concentrate on was the moment, being in Angel’s arms one last time and holding the love of her life in her own.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
‘Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go...
Angel listened to the words of the song he had requested, wishing he could convey to her just how true every syllable of the song was. He knew it was better this way, he had seen the look in her eyes when she remembered they could never do any of the things she so wanted them to. He tried hard to remember all his reasons, but all he saw was Buffy’s pain-stricken face as he had told the one person he loved with all his soul he didn’t want to be with her. Her pain had almost made him break, but he knew he had to do this. For her sake, he had to end the thing that was never supposed to be.
I...
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now
They don't mean a thing
Every place I go
I think of you
Every song I sing
I sing for you
When I come back
I'll wear your wedding ring
Buffy fought valiantly, but the tears overcame her eventually. The song, the bittersweet, touching words were too much. And to know that Angel had requested it...her shoulders shook as she gave in to her tears, and she wondered bitterly how someone who had been crying so much could have any more tears left. And she wondered how someone who loved her so could hurt her so deeply.
Angel tightened his hold on her instinctively as he felt her shake with her sobs. She tightened her hold on his hand and looked up at him suddenly with teary eyes. Her vision was blurry, but she could tell he was in just as much pain as she. She wondered suddenly why he had come. He must’ve known that this was inevitable, her breaking down and giving in to her heartbreak was obvious. No one was that strong.
But she didn’t say anything, only rested her head on his shoulder once more as the silent tears fell and she wondered how she’d ever be able to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and fit them back together.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
‘Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go...
Angel felt so many emotions, he had no thoughts to symbolize his grief. The anguish that had wormed its way into his soul was something he knew he’d live with for the rest of his life. He wondered, at the feeling of his pain, why he was doing this to himself and his love. He knew, of course, that it was better this way. But he didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to leave her here alone, his heart screamed at his brain like some child throwing a tantrum not to leave, to stay with her always. His heart threw memories at his mind, memories of her kisses, memories of their love, memories of the quiet time they spent together.
It didn’t listen, only persisted and he wondered how long he would last before he went mad from the sorrow.
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
Close your eyes
I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the time when I don't have to say...
Buffy didn’t know how her legs held her up for the song, she felt so weak. She didn’t know how she kept breathing, it was so hard not to curl up in a ball and die on the fall. That’s what she felt like doing. The pain was unimaginable, it felt worse than when she had sacrificed him for the world. This time he was leaving on his own accord, his free will was what stood between them now. Not Hell, not continents or oceans, just free will. And it seemed to be the strongest boundary there was.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
‘Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
She questioned why she was always the one who was hurt. Why she was the one who had suffered so much and still had a duty to perform, still had to make sure the world lived to see another day. It wasn’t fair, she had been through things people never dreamed of and she was still expected to function properly the next day. Fate was a bitch, that was for sure.
The music ended and the lights turned on. People broke apart, milling around and chatting softly. Buffy and Angel stood holding each other on the dance floor, neither willing to let go. Angel finally opened his eyes and looked down at the blond Slayer wrapped in his arms.
“Look at me, Buffy,” he said softly. She shook her head, not being able to bear seeing his face. He raised a hand to her chin and pushed it up softly so he could gaze into her eyes. She looked so much older then she had before, so world-weary and sad. He was at a loss of what to say to her, there were no words to console her. She looked away, not being able to look at him any longer, and saw that it was over.
“So, I guess that’s it, huh?” she asked as she withdrew from his arms painfully and looked at him. He nodded, watching her closely. She felt so cold, she wrapped her arms around herself as the two forbidden lovers gazed at each other with such longing the other people in the room felt it. Eyes turned to the pair, but they were oblivious.
“Buffy, I--”
“Save it, Angel, I don’t think I can handle it tonight,” she said, holding a hand up. She wondered how long it would be before she cracked...
“I better go,” he said, noticing her attitude change. Anger was beginning to surface and he took a step back cautiously.
“Yeah, you have a lot of packing to do, don’t you?” she asked bitterly, her tear stained face red from crying. He cringed at her tone, but he had known this was coming. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he had known.
“Yes, I do,” he said tightly. She looked so miserable as the words escaped his mouth, he winced in his mind. But he had to keep it up, just like before. He had to be the strong one, the voice of reason.
“Yeah, and since I have such a short term memory, why don’t you go over with me again your *exact* reasons for leaving, Angel,” she demanded. He glanced around nervously, looking at the many people whose attention was now on the pair.
“Not here, Buffy,” he said firmly.
“Yes here. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to some place private,” she said with an ache evident in her voice. Her friends were gathered off to the side, watching the confrontation.
“You know the reasons, Buffy,” he told her. She shook her head.
“The studio audience is curious,” she said gesturing around to her classmates. “Explain to them why you’re leaving me.”
“Because I can’t give you everything you want,” he bellowed, his temper rising. Buffy didn’t seem to care.
“And for those of us who are still wondering, what exactly might that be?”
“Children, walks on the beach, watching the sunrise together,” Angel said tightly. Buffy, instead of looking furious, looked somewhat sad.
“Kids? Please, I killed my egg baby. Okay, so it was really a mind controlling demon, but it would’ve been dead in a matter of days anyway. The beach? So overrated. Sunrise? I’m lucky that I live to see the next one,” she said bitterly, drawing a deep breath. “Why don’t you address the real issue?”
Angel stared at her, not fully understanding. She was on the brink of hysteria, she was shaking and fidgeting and looked as if she would lose it. He took a step toward her uncertainly and her eyes flashed.
“Frustration.”
One word, and his world turned upside down. She knew. She knew, because she felt it too. It was so frustrating, to be so close and know that one slip up would cost him his soul. She saw he knew, and her eyes softened as the tears rained down.
“Frustration. You feel it, I know you do. So do I. It’s like an acid, it eats at me every day. It’s never ending,” she said, pouring out her feelings, forming words that rolled off her tongue rapidly. The other people in the room stood silently, listening to the heartbreaking words and wondering at the suffering the two people in the middle of the room felt. “It hurts and it burns an it aches. It’s always there, it’s a constant reminder of what we can never again have, never again feel. To be so close to you and to not be able to be one... We can never go back to the way it was, you and I both know that. We feel so much love and passion and attraction to each other, but we can never act on it. It hurts too much to bear.”
“Then you know why I have to go,” Angel said, choked up. Buffy shook her head.
“No. I don’t,” she said. He looked at her incredulously. She met his stare, daring him, taunting him. He looked away. “We can make it work. Together, you and me. In the us sense. If you love me as much as you say you do, you would *not* be ripping my heart out and stomping on it like you are right now.”
Angel grabbed her arms, holding her close to him. He was angry and she could see that, but he didn’t scare her. She didn’t care if he hurt her, her heart was so battered and torn nothing he did to her body could be comparable. She gazed up at him with dead eyes and he faltered. They were so haunting, there was nothing in them, nothing but pain. Pain he had inflicted.
“Buffy, you know I love you. I want you to be happy, I...I’m not strong enough to fight it anymore,” Angel said, his arms releasing her to fall limply to his sides. Instead of softening, Buffy felt more anger at his statement.
“You’re not strong enough? That’s just a tad deceptive, don’tcha think? And a little unaccurate. If I, Miss Teenager-With-Raging-Hormones, can live with it, so can you,” she said. Angel shook his head.
“What about when we disagree? When we make up, great sex isn’t the product. Sitting around cuddling is. Is that what you really want? Is that what you really need?” Angel shouted. Buffy looked at him, fresh tears in her eyes. They had fallen from her cheeks and onto her chest, soaking the top of her gown.
“Who cares about the sex? Relationships are built on love and trust, not sex. We can make this work, Angel. We have to make this work,” she whispered, shaking everyone to the soul. “I don’t know how to live without you.”
“Well, you’d better learn,” he said harshly. She stared at him with wide eyes.
“You leave me, and I’ll die.”
“That’s bull shit. You’re the Slayer, you’re strong, strong enough to get over me,” Angel said. He doubted she would believe him, he didn’t even believe himself.
“No, I’m not. Why does everyone think I’m so strong? Because I can fight demons? That’s physical strength. Emotional strength is a lot harder to come by,” she cried, tears once again rolling strong. She was trying so desperately to hold on...
“You moved on when I went to hell. What was his name...Scott? What about him? You were happy with him, you said it yourself.”
“Yeah, and I was lying through my teeth!! Scott meant nothing to me, he was Rebound Boy. He couldn’t even compare. He wasn’t you,” she told him. He looked away, obviously struggling with something. “Why’re you acting so fucking noble about this? I know it’s killing you just as much as it’s killing me You have so many reasons to stay and absolutely none to leave! So why are you making the stupidest choice of your life?” Buffy screamed. Her knees buckled and she wavered, swaying back and forth as if she was drunk.
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Angel said quietly, the sight of Buffy being so heartbroken haunting and tormenting him. He had never seen her this upset. He doubted anyone had.
“Says who? The Mayor? Yeah, let’s listen to Mr. I-Worship-Satan. My mom? Giles? Who cares what they say? They aren’t in this relationship, we are!! We make the decisions, not them!” she yelled.
“There were a lot of things that went into my decision,” Angel told her, regaining his composure.
“Where’s my ring?” she asked suddenly. He knew exactly what she was talking about the moment the words escaped her mouth, but he decided to play dumb.
“Ring?” he echoed.
“My wedding ring,” she said coolly. He stopped dead and drew a sharp breath into his unmoving lungs. She had known... “Yeah, I actually did my homework. Did you know you learn stuff that way? You gave me a wedding ring, I put it on to symbolize we were married. And you’re leave me?” she said painfully as shock registered on his face. He looked away, ashamed. His hand moved to his pocket and he withdrew the small ring that he carried with him always. Her eyes were wide as he handed it to her, all the time his gaze on the floor.
She took it from him, staring at it before slipping it on and waving it in his face. “See this? This says that I’m taken. It will not leave my finger until the day I die, which could be tomorrow. Do you see?” she asked, waving it around at the people in the room who stood watching silently, feeling slightly guilty that they had it so well and she didn’t. “It means I belong to him. And look,” she said, lifting his hand up to display his matching ring. “I think he belongs to me too.”
She smiled wickedly, Angel’s hand still in hers. “Do you feel that?” she asked, her hand placing his over her heart. He closed his eyes, reveling in the sensation. “It’s my heart, and it’s broken. Only you can fix it, Angel. Only you can heal me.”
Angel struggled, obviously fighting with himself.
“I love you, Angel.”
He looked up into her young face, seeing years she had not experienced there, in her eyes. He saw pain and love and desire, he saw heartache and fear. So many things young girls shouldn’t have to feel so deeply.
“I love you too. So much you don’t even know how this is killing me. This is the one fight that we won’t win. It’s not that our love was never meant to be. It was, oh God, Buffy, it was. It just wasn’t supposed to last.” His words held such emotion and pain she wrapped her arms around him hesitantly.
“I’m not exactly known for listening to Fate about what I am and am not supposed to do. We can do this, Angel. Together. Love can get us through all the lonely nights and the pain. You just have to trust it, trust me,” she said quietly, gazing at him with hazel eyes. He held her gaze for a long time before his face hardened.
“I can’t. I’m doing this for your own good, Buffy. Why’re you fighting it?” he cried. He pulled away sharply and the hope that had been in her eyes flickered and then was gone.
“Because it’s wrong!”
“I can’t do this anymore, Buffy, I can’t cause you any more pain,” he said wildly.
“It’s a little late for that,” she shot back sarcastically. He began to step back, first one foot and then the other, each step getting harder and harder. He gathered every ounce of strength that he possessed and backed away. She saw what he was doing and began crying hysterically.
“No, Angel, no, don’t you leave me! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!! Angel, no, I love you, come back, I can’t live without you! Don’t go, please. Forever, you said forever! And you lied and you’re leaving me here all alone,” she sobbed and screamed, her throat raw from yelling. Her voice cracked and a sob erupted from her throat. “ANGEL DON’T GO!”
But he was gone, he turned and didn’t look back. Buffy’s knees buckled and she hit the ground hard, curling up into a little ball and rocking back and forth. She sobbed uncontrollably, shaking and gasping for breath. Everyone stood, shell shocked, as they watched her break down completely. Willow walked to the spot where Buffy had collapsed and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Buffy shook it off angrily, curling up more to protect herself from the pain. It didn’t help much.
There were no words to comfort her, no condolences that would help. Angel had left and there was nothing she could do. God, how horrible it felt. Like a plague it swept her up and abused her, assaulting her. The pain was unbearable, she just wanted to die right then and there and escape it all. All the horrible feelings.
She stopped shaking, tears still streaming down silently. She uncurled herself and looked around blankly at the people who stood gathered, frowns marring their faces. They gasped as they saw her. The light, the spark, the illumination that had once occupied the eyes of Buffy Summers was now gone.
Her eyes were empty.
Author’s Note: Wow, I feel better already. How about you
guys? So, what’d ya think? You know, if you scroll down, you
won’t find an alternative ending or anything. That’s it, there’s
nothing else here. I promise you, you won’t find anything, so don’t
even bother.
Author’s Notes: Wow, you guys are smart!!! I hardly gave you any clues. :-) Okay, that ending was just too horrible for me to live with, so in the tradition of Wayne’s World I’m gonna pull a Scooby Doo ending. Enjoy!!!
“I love you, Angel.”
He looked up into her young face, seeing years she had not experienced there, in her eyes. He saw pain and love and desire, he saw heartache and fear. So many things young girls shouldn’t have to feel so deeply.
“I love you too. So much you don’t even know how this is killing me. But it’s a never ending struggle that we won’t win. It’s not that our love was never meant to be. It was, oh God, Buffy, it was. It just wasn’t supposed to last.” His words held such emotion and pain she wrapped her arms around him hesitantly.
“I’m not exactly known for listening to Fate about what I am and am not supposed to do. We can do this, Angel. Together. Love can get us through all the lonely nights and the pain. You just have to trust it, trust me,” she said quietly, gazing at him with hazel eyes. He held her gaze for a long time as his face softened slightly.
“I just want to do what’s best for you,” Angel said softly. Buffy nodded. “Your happiness means more to me than anything in this world.”
“And if you leave me, I know I’ll never be happy again. Is that what you want?” she asked as she brought her hands up to cup his face gently. Her eyes moved rapidly from one of his to the other, searching them equally.
“No...” he said hesitantly. She smiled, genuinely smiled, for the first time in three days.
“Ahem,” Willow cleared her throat. Angel and Buffy broke eye contact and turned to look at the Slayerettes. The entire room, actually, turned to look at who had broken up the confrontation. She blushed slightly before stepping forward and smiling at her two friends. “Angel, so you’re gonna leave because you can’t give Buffy everything she deserves?”
Angel nodded and Buffy looked at her best friend, slightly confused. What the hell was she doing?
“And that entails doing the traditional...thing after the prom?” she asked, her face a bright shade of red. Angel again nodded. “Okay, well see there’s a funny story to that. You know how your curse used to have that happiness clause thing? Well, I checked it over the other day as Buffy was having her little breakdown and as far as I can tell it’s gone.”
Buffy and Angel stood completely still, in total shock. Willow looked back at Giles, who inclined his head slightly. The room was completely silent as the others--who didn’t really have clue what was going on--waited with bated breath for the outcome.
“Are you kidding me?” Buffy asked in a quiet voice. Willow shook her head, still beaming. “There is absolutely no way for him to lose his soul again?”
“Not unless he ends up on the wrong side of the stake,” Willow replied. Buffy slowly turned to Angel, more tears in her eyes. But they weren’t tears of sadness, they were tears of joy. He was still shell shocked and stood with a look of complete disbelief on his face. He was snapped out of it by Buffy gazing into his eyes and he smiled. She looked relieved as he stared back down at her, his gaze filled with pure love that restored her broken heart. He brought his hands up to caress her tear stained cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
“Are you sure you want me to stay?” he asked uncertainly. Her gaze was his answer, her hope and love told him without a doubt the answer was yes.
“Forever,” she said, her hands finding his face and pulling it down to meet hers. Their lips melded together in a sweet kiss, full of forgiveness and love. They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other. Their kisses grew desperate as Buffy’s classmates erupted in cheers. They hollered and whistled and clapped, watching the star-crossed couple reunite. Buffy and Angel broke apart, their lips centimeters from each others. They smiled and turned once again to their friends, Buffy safely tucked under Angel’s arm. Now that he was staying, he wasn’t going to let her out of his sight.
“Thank you,” Buffy said quietly to Willow. She just beamed and snuggled closer to Oz. Conversations soon sprung up as the prom-goers recapped what they had just seen.
“Hey, you guys,” a guy Buffy recognized as the captain of the football team said as he walked up to them. “There’s a party at my house if you want to come.”
Buffy shook her head. “We’d love to, but we have some other...impending issues to work out,” she said, grinning wickedly. He smiled and raised an eyebrow, giving her a once over.
“You’re a lucky man,” he told Angel as he moved away into the crowd.
“Luckiest,” Angel agreed. Buffy kissed him again, full of passion and desire. He returned it eagerly before gazing deeply into her soul. She was hurt that he had ended it, he could see it in her eyes. “If we don’t stop soon, the senior class will be watching their own live porno.”
“Take me home with you, Angel,” she whispered, only loud enough for him to hear. He nodded.
She took her award from Giles, giving him a thank you look. She turned, Angel’s arm firmly wrapped around her shoulders. The two practically ran out of the room, eager to make up for lost time. They had all the time in the world.