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Disclaimer: No, I’m sad to say the characters in this story don’t belong to me. No matter how much I tried, Joss wouldn’t give them to me. But he didn’t say I couldn’t play with them...so just so we’re clear, they belong to him. And the Master. And the WB who are stupid and don’t show the season finale of the greatest show on television...but that’s another issue. One that will be worked out...eventually. Oh, and the song ‘Lost’ doesn’t belong to me. Sarah McLachlan owns it, just in case you were interested. So go break out your ‘Solace’ CD and set in on track 5. Yes, you. Go!! :-p
Author’s Notes: Well, I heard this song and thought it would be a great song for Buffy to kill herself to. Morbid much? I know, I know, but it is. So just bare with me here (no, I meant it figuratively speaking, you can get dressed again) and allow me to work out some teenage angst. And this does not mean I’m suicidal or anything, my friend wrote a poem about suicide and was called to the principal’s office. Go figure... Feedback is what I live for (besides chocolate and David Boreanaz), so please send me some!!!!!!
Buffy walked slowly through the deserted streets of Sunnydale. Her feet dragged slightly, she bore the weight of the world on her shoulders. A little slack could be cut, a little sympathy could be felt for all she had gone through. Been forced through, actually. Watching her mother being drained dry by some idiotic vampire. Her revenge had been sweet, but brief. The numbing realization that no matter what she did, her mother was gone for good ate away at her soul like acid. A thousand ‘What ifs’ ran through her mind every day.
She wandered past the Bronze, past the loud, pulsing music and the smiling teens, whose only worries were when their next hookup would be. Past all the wonderful memories, past all the good times.
Past all the horrible memories, past all the heartbreaking times. Last kisses, many tears, numbing agony. So many memories for such a small space. Angel...
No feelings coursed through her veins as she thought of her lover, whose death she had also witnessed. He had been the final straw, the one thing that had pushed her over the edge. His death had rocked her harder than her own mother’s. Scary.
But that’s what love did to you. And she had still loved him, even through all the heartache and the struggle. Through the good times, and the bad. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. For as long as they both shall live. Such irony, such classic irony.
Buffy turned onto the highway. Few cars whizzed past her, and she wondered dispassionately if people were getting smart and not going to the vacation spot from Hell. Literally. She continued on, her destination set firm in her mind. She was running away from all the pain, and she knew it. It wasn’t that she was sick of life--she wasn’t. She just couldn’t take the torment any longer. She could see Willow’s face staring disapprovingly in her mind’s eye. She knew her friends deserved more than a simple note, but there was nothing else she could offer. She had explained it all, saying it was too much. No human should have to suffer as much as she, no one deserved to feel this empty, this alone.
By the shadows of the night I go
I move away from the crowded room
That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret
They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost
She turned on to the old dirt road leading to the cliff that overlooked the Pacific. A deep breath was rewarded with the smell of salt water and pine, due to the trees surrounding her. She had had so many fantasies of her and Angel watching the sunrise together there. The deserted cliff had actually become their special place, after his return from L.A. and the insanity that was Riley Finn was past, they had discovered the secret location. They often sat there and watched the moon and the stars twinkle and the ocean waves crash gently against the shore. Such power, yet such gentleness. So simple, yet so beautiful. She picked her way carefully in the darkness, hearing the familiar and comforting sound of the ocean.
Lost in the darkness of a land
Where all the hope that's offered is
Memories of being taken by the hand
And we are led into the sun
But I don't have a hold on what is real
Though we can only try
What is there to give or to believe
She came out into the clearing and stood for a moment. The moon shone brightly in the distance, its reflection in the sea wavering slightly as the waves rippled. A billion stars twinkled in the midnight sky, displaying mystery and power and awe. The stars had been Angel’s favorite things, they held such promise of an infinite number of possibilities.
So many memories...
Yet no tears.
Buffy felt nothing, nothing but a cold numbness. She had no tears, no emotions, nothing. She was an empty shell, her soul had been killed not three weeks before. She was rather surprised that she had survived this long. Pain was something that had been strong, and she felt it returning slowly as memories bombarded her tormented heart and soul. Such pain...
She walked slowly to the cliff and looked out into the great beyond. Off in the distance she saw movement in the water. She knew she was being too over dramatic with the whole thing, a bullet would’ve been so much simpler. Lacked poetry, sure, but it got the job done.
The water below her represented peace. Peace that she desperately seeked, peace she craved more than oxygen. Peace she would surrender to in a matter of minutes. Peace that whispered to her, wonderful, awful things. Release, oh, such beautiful release. Tranquility, serenity, stillness. Quiet. So many tantalizing things, so many things she yearned for.
An escape.
I want it all to go away, I want to be alone
Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell
I feel there's nothing left to fight for
No reason for a cause
And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near
She couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, couldn’t handle the empty feelings. The cold. The darkness she was trapped in, the never ending abyss she spiraled deeper and deeper into with every breath. She longed for a departure from it all, from the hell that was her life. All the horrible things she had witnessed, all the horrible things she had done. To her mother, her friends, her Watcher. Angel.
She took a deep breath, pushing back the sudden tears that had been hidden from her for so long. The tears that now streaked down her face in a fury, leaving two distinct trails, were bitter and violent. She felt so helpless in a world she had saved countless times. Inadequate to perform her duty any longer, feeble and weak. It was time for another to take her place, the never ending cycle was about to repeat itself.
She knew the drill well, had seen it occur a few times. One Slayer dies, the next one is called. It had been transpiring for a thousand generations and would end only when the last evil was banished from the Earth forever.
She wished she could have lived to see it.
Lost in the darkness of a land
Where all the hope that's offered is
Memories of being taken by the hand
And we are led into the sun
But I don't have a hold on what is real
Though we can only try
What is there to give or to believe
But she wasn’t meant to, Fate had not been that kind to her. It had been brutal and harsh, testing her repeatedly. Challenging her to grow and change, to take everything thrown at her with such passion. The passion that was now lost forever, the passion that fizzled when he had died. In that matter of seconds, she had died as well. Now she would truly join him, where they would have eternity together.
She swung her gaze around, taking in the panoramic view of the ocean. She lifted her head towards the moon hanging against the black backdrop and smiled. Soon, there would be nothing. Soon, there would be oblivion, sweet oblivion. A sharp breeze stung her cheeks, drying her tears against her skin. She felt it kiss her face and imagined it was Angel kissing her cheek, like he would always do. She reminisced how he had always taken care of all her problems, how he had always made everything better.
Funny how she didn’t think of her mother at all.
It was only about Angel, her soul mate, her only lover.
She couldn’t take it anymore, the numbness was too much. The emptiness was so overbearing, she would go insane if it didn’t end soon.
She opened her eyes and gazed out into the black water once more. She stepped closer to the edge of the cliff, first one foot, than the other. The closer she got, the easier it got. She left all she held dear behind as the darkness loomed ahead of her. There was no light at the end of the it, like she had expected.
There was only black.
But it wasn’t cold, it was inviting. It whispered to her, telling her of all the things it would bring. Showing her the beautiful release.
She stood on the edge of the cliff, centimeters from the ebony. She thought briefly of her friends, and felt sorry for what she was doing to them. She knew they would understand, the letter explained it all. Not that it was any consolation, but at least she had left them something. One last thing they could cherish.
She looked down into the abyss that she stood on. It held such promise. She said a silent prayer, mentally asking her friends for their forgiveness and blessings. She knew they would never give them, but she had to at least ask. She also asked for Angel’s forgiveness, she knew he was watching down on her, begging her not to do it. Not to jump. But she had to, and soon they would be reunited.
That thought firmly implanted in her mind, she took one last look out at Earth. She glanced to her side, and saw him, standing before him in all his glory. He smiled at her and she felt herself crack, tears leaked through the sorrow. He nodded and looked up, indicating he was waiting for her.
In that instant, she stepped off. She had thought she would feel fear, but she felt peace. A calming that touched her very soul, taking away all her grief and heartache and pain. She said goodbye to her friends as a bright light flashed all around her and she felt nothing.
She smiled, glad to be home.
The stars blinked out for a minute, honoring the greatest Slayer ever to walk the Earth. She held her arms out and suddenly he was there, and for the first time in what felt like eternity she felt joy.
I wanted a change knowing all I could do was try
I was looking for someone...