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Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. None of them. I know who owns them, you know who owns them, don’t sue. The lryics belong to Sarah McLachlan from her “Solace” album, whihc I highly recommend to everyone. The song is called “The Path of Thorns/Terms.”
Author’s Notes: This takes place at the end of Season 3. Guess what happens. I’ll give you a hint. Someone leaves. It’s depressing stuff. We’re talking tears, hearts breaking. You know, it’s just like the TV show. I was thinking of being nice and giving it a happy ending, but for some reason I can’t. It wouldn’t do justice to the show if I did. Plus pretty much everything else that I write has a happy ending!!! Wait until next season. All Buffy and Angel fluff. And a few stories where Angel kills Riley... :-) I love feedback, please send me some!!!
He met me in the park that night. The Mayor’s ascension had been stopped. Faith was killed saving me. Good had won, kicking evil’s ass like usual. It was another Friday night in Sunnydale.
Or so I thought.
I had known this was coming, known since he had told me before the prom. A part of me had been in denial. After all, he had said he wouldn’t be going to the prom with me, and yet he still showed up in a tux. We danced and danced and danced, it had felt like we were the only two people in the room. I guess since he had come then, I hoped he wouldn’t be leaving me now.
Such wishful thinking.
I knew his reasons for leaving. I didn’t agree with them, but since when had he asked me for my opinion? My mom had been the main reason, I guess Angel was a ‘bad influence’ on me or something. Whatever. I will never forgive her for doing this, for making him leave me so I can have a ‘normal life.’ Another Mom-quote. I wish she would just stay out of my business. I’m a legal adult and she has to keep butting in as if I were sixteen again.
I could tell he had come to say goodbye in his eyes. They totally gave him away. I looked into them, searching their depths, and he looked away. I could feel a familiar wetness begin to fall down my cheeks before a word was uttered. We just stood there for an eternity, staring.
I knew you wanted to tell me
In your voice there was something wrong
But if you would turn your face away from me
You cannot tell me you're so strong
After a time, he moved to hold me. I jumped into his arms, never wanting to let go and yet knowing that I must. It wasn’t fair. We loved each other. We were meant to be together. But the hand we had been dealt was not going to win the round. He was sending me off to find myself or something, and he was going off to try and redeem himself for all the things he’d done.
Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind...
I pulled away, getting again lost in the depths of his chocolate eyes. How I loved his eyes. I could stare into them for years and never learn all their secrets. His pain was raw, as was mine. We were completely alone in the park, which was sort of surprising. There were no vampires lurking in the shadows, they all knew what was happening tonight. They all knew if they valued their undead lives at all they should leave the Slayer alone. Which was pretty smart of them.
I started to sob, low sobs filled with anguish. Gut-wrenching agony filled my soul and I knew I would go insane from this pain. I never knew I could feel this, I never knew a person was capable of feeling such suffering. My heart twisted and broke, and I knew Angel felt the exact same emotions. I knew we shared them. We’re soul mates. We have a bond that most people search for all their lives and never find.
In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why
I pulled him close to me again, and he ran his hand through my hair. I heard him inhale deeply and knew he was imprinting my scent into his memory. He was already imprinted in mine. I felt his hand reach up to cup my cheek and tilt my face upwards. Our lips were millimeters apart, so close, yet so far away. And then they met, and the world stopped spinning. Our bond and the strength of our love was so strong it engulfed us instantly, wrapping us up and carrying us away. It showed us off to the entire universe. Planets stopped spinning, stars stopped twinkling, the sun blacked out. The universe bowed down to our love, it was in awe of its power and majesty. Every part of the universe was washed over with our love, feeling our anguish and sadness.
The many gods of the many planets and the heavens themselves yielded to its dominance. We could feel it, and this knowledge gave us strength and courage. Strength and courage to go on, to face the unknown alone.
But we would never really be alone. Even in our darkest hour, we would have each other.
Through the years I've grown to love you
Though your commitment to most would offend
But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
Waiting for you to give in...
The kiss ended and the world returned to order. It went on spinning, went on existing. I didn’t trust myself to speak. I wasn’t sure if I would yell, scream, whisper, cry, or actually sound composed. He seemed to be the same way. There was so much left unsaid, and we had to get it said before we parted. both knew it, it was just a question of who spoke first.
“Buffy...” Angel whispered brokenly and I lost it totally. His voice was too much to bear. Reality crashed down on my shoulders.
This was it.
This was the end.
“Angel...” I said in the same tone.
“I’ll call when I get there,” he said, trying to sound casual. I could see right through his act, but it actually helped a bit. He was trying to be the strong one. Which was good, because I was in bad shape.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“And if you have any trouble at all, I’m only a phone call away,” he reminded me, cupping my cheeks in his hands. “You’re so beautiful.”
“You make me feel beautiful,” I replied. It was true. He made me feel beautiful and loved. And he was leaving me. I felt more tears come.
“Angel, don’t go,” I said desperately, trying to make him stay. Knowing it wouldn’t do anything, but trying anyway.
“Buffy, you know I can’t. Your mother--”
“Who cares about my mother? She doesn’t control my life and she certainly doesn’t control yours!” I cried. He looked at me sadly.
“It’s better this way,” he reasoned, tears falling.
“Says who? My mother? Giles? Xander? What about what I say? What about what you say? We’re the only two people who have any say in this relationship,” I told him, feeling anger and hatred surge up through my grief. Knowing my mother caused this, hating her with a passion for it.
“Buffy, I want what’s best for you. You know that. This is the noble thing to do. I’m not going to let you regret loving me. You’ll be able to fall in love with the right person,” he said softly, staring into my eyes. I sobbed uncontrollably.
“You are the right person. You know about me. I’ll have to hide that from everyone else. You keep me safe,” I replied.
“Buffy...”
“What if I die, Angel? What if I die all alone in a dark alley with no one there to hold my hand? What if I die because you’re trying so hard to do the ‘noble thing,’ you aren’t there to save me? Would you be able to live yourself?” I waited. I knew what I was doing, trying to make him feel guilty so he wouldn’t leave me. “Didn’t think so.”
“Buffy, don’t. Don’t make this harder than it already is. You don’t need me. You’re the strongest Slayer in history.”
“Only because I have an Angel who watches over me and keeps me safe,” I said. He had no reply.
You never really tried or so it seems like
I've had much more than myself to blame
I've had enough of trying everything
And this time it is the end...
“I have to go,” he said softly, pulling me into another hug. I clung to him even harder. It made no difference. He pulled away and I knew this was the end. This was goodbye. He kissed me again, but this one was full of sorrow and heartache even more so than the last one. It was short, reminding me of the final kiss I had given him before sending him to Hell. I felt as if it was he who was plunging the sword into me this time, damning me to Hell--a place where he was not there to give me his love.
There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn...
I opened my eyes and saw him staring into them. It was too painful to look back. He released me, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead.
“I love you, Buffy. Always and forever. Never forget that,” he said in a heartbreaking tone.
“I love you, too. Forever and ever. Nothing and no one will ever change that,” I told him. I knew I would never find someone else. The thought of kissing another man made my skin crawl. I knew that in his heart he knew the same thing. Maybe if my mother to realized what was happening to me without him, he’d come back.
He turned and walked away slowly. The light fog that had surrounded us swallowed him up, but not before he glanced back one last time. When he disappeared, my legs gave out and I fell to the ground, sobs wracking my entire body. I stayed there for hours and hours, crying my heart out.
A hand touched my shoulder and I looked up, hopeful it was him. My mother’s face filled my watery gaze. I shook her hand off of me and got up, leaving her there. I heard her sobs fill the night air and thought bitterly that she deserved it.
I began to spiral as I fell, falling into an abyss of unmatched sorrow, gut-wrenching anguish, agony, heartache. I experienced thousands of emotions every second. I wondered if this would ever end.
The emotions subsided, but a strange ache grew. It spread through my soul and body, and I knew instantly what it was.
Longing.
Angel....
Funny how it seems that all I've tried to do
Seemed to make no difference to you at all...