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Back at his apartment, Angel collapsed in his chair. Buffy, after studying him for a moment, sat down on his lap.
His arms went around her almost absently, and his eyes were focused on some point in front of them. She took his chin in her hand and turned his face towards her. “Hey,” she said softly. “I never knew staring off into space was more interesting than I am. Let’s see what we can do about that, huh?” And she leaned forward to kiss him.
He twisted his head out of her gentle hold. “Angel?” she asked, her voice becoming anxious. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Angel’s eyes finally focused on her. “How can you still want to kiss me? After everything I did.... How?”
Buffy felt her chest tighten in fear. She’d been expecting this. In fact, she was surprised that the guilt had held off this long. She knew that it was going to take everything she had and more to keep him from leaving. But no way was she going to let him go without a fight. “Because I don’t believe it was you. You *know* that you would never have done any of those things if you’d had your soul. And your soul is what makes you you. So it wasn’t you. And I know that. And so does everybody else, except for you.”
He got up, gently easing her off his lap and into the chair, and stood across from her, leaning against the wall. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be happy. *I* *killed* *people.* I killed people I knew. I killed friends. I shouldn’t have the things that I took away. Life, and hope, and happiness. It’s not fair.” He started in the direction of the door.
“Angel...”
He stopped, still facing away from her. “Buffy, it’s not fair for me to stay. You’re always saying that you want a normal life..... well, I’m about as far from normal as you can get. And if I’m gone, maybe you can find someone else...”
She blinked in disbelief. “*Someone else?* Angel, we’ve been over this a hundred times. You were gone for six months. I could have found someone else. I had multiple opportunities to find someone else. I don’t want any one else.” She was kneeling in the chair now, pleading eyes focused on his back. “I only want you.”
“Buffy....”
She got up and moved towards him, grabbing the front of his jacket in both hands and turning him to face her. Her voice was angry now. “Stop being so damn selfish, Angel! You think you’re so noble, giving me up so that you can feel like you’re giving penance or something... so that I can find someone else. Well, I’ve got news for you, Angel. You don’t need to give penance. No-one thinks you should. I forgive you, Giles forgives you, Willow forgives you..... even Xander forgives you! I heard what he said last night. If he still wanted you out of the picture, he wouldn’t have said anything. We fixed the damn spell so that it can’t be broken. My mother doesn’t mind about our being together. Every possible excuse that you can think of falls through.”
Angel’s hands grasped her wrists, pulling them free of his jacket. He held them in a tight grip as he spoke.
“Do I need an excuse? Where does it say that I can’t just leave because I know it’s right? Because I don’t want to see you suffer, or cause you to suffer any more? Because you’d be better off without me?” He pushed her away and, caught by surprise, she fell to the floor. He turned his back on her and reached for the doorknob.
Buffy was sprawled on the floor, crying. She pulled herself to a sitting position. “How can you do this to me?”
Angel half-turned.
“I gave you everything. I gave you my trust, my friendship, my love..... I gave you *myself*.” He was turned all the way around now, eyes focused on her bent head. “You left me once, and you took it all with you. The knife was just going to quicken my death, Angel. I was dying slowly anyway. I’d been dying since you left. If you leave again, you’ll take everything I have.” She choked on a sob, paused, and started again. “I love you. I want to be with you for as long as I can. I don’t.....” Her voice broke. “I don’t want to be alone again.”
He felt as if someone had slapped him in the face. It had never occurred to him that she wouldn’t be all right if he left. Her near-suicide was the climax of everything, her mother throwing her out, getting expelled. It wasn’t just because of him. Buffy was strong. She’d get over it. She’d be better off without him.
For the first time, he began to realize that maybe she wouldn’t. He forced himself to replay some of the memories from the demon’s reign. The emptiness in her eyes. The lack of life in everything she did.
Maybe she did need him. Maybe even as much as he needed her.
Angel sat next to her on the floor, and carefully took her in his arms. He felt her tears soaking his shirt, and he rocked her gently back and forth. “Shhh. It’s going to be all right. Everything’s going to be all right.”
She shook her head. “Nothing’s going to be all right. Not until I know that you won’t go away again.” Her eyes lifted and locked with his. “Promise me. Then it will be all right. Everything will be all right.”
He looked at her. She needed him. And maybe, just maybe, she was right. Maybe everything the demon had done wasn’t his fault. Maybe it wasn’t a sin for him to be happy.
"I promise. I’ll never leave you again.”
Their lips met to seal the promise. With each kiss, they distanced themselves further from the pain and the loss of the past few months. With each kiss, they healed one more wound.
When she woke up, she thought it was another one of her dreams.
It was a familiar dream. She lay in bed, wrapped in Angel’s arms. Soon the alarm would go off, and she would have to open her eyes and deal with the usual sense of post-dream loss, and then shake it off and go to school. She snuggled deeper into his embrace, and closed her eyes, trying to prolong the dream as long as possible. Another minute, maybe two, and she would be alone again.
Two minutes passed. Three. Five.
Slowly, as her brain rid itself of the cobwebs of sleep, she realized it wasn’t a dream.
Smiling, Buffy opened her eyes. Angel was still asleep, one arm underneath her head, the other lying heavily across her waist. She propped herself up on one elbow and studied his face. She’d never seen him asleep before. For the first time, she saw his face completely unguarded. She saw the pain that he always tried to hide, overlaid now with the happiness that was so new to him. That *she* had given him. She touched his lips gently, then traced his eyebrows with her fingertip.
He stirred, then blinked sleepily. Opening his eyes, he smiled at her. “Seeing you first thing in the morning is better than watching the sun rise.” He pulled her to him for a kiss.
Angel ran his fingers through her hair and down her back, sending wonderful chills up her spine. “Silk and satin,” he mumbled.
Buffy was confused. “What?”
“Silken hair and satin skin,” he elaborated.
“Oh.” She smiled. “You’re great with compliments.”
They lay together for a while, saying nothing. Safe in the knowledge that for once, for this brief moment in time, they were together.
“Angel?”
He turned his head slightly to look at her. “What?”
“Who’s the girl in that picture? The one that looks like Ms. Calendar?” She had raised herself on her elbow again, and was looking down at him.
Angel sat up, looking confused. “What picture?”
Buffy sat up too. “You know. The one over your desk. It’s a big portrait, and the girl looks like Ms. Calendar.”
He was silent for a minute. “That’s the Romany girl. The one I killed, and her clan gave me my soul back. I never realized that she looked like Jenny.”
Buffy swallowed. “Did you ever know her name?”
Angel furrowed his brow, trying to remember. “I think the Gypsies called her.... Jannah, maybe? I’m not sure.”
She sighed. “Jannah. That would fit.” She looked up at him with sadness touching her face. “Ms. Calendar’s real name was Jannah. She told Giles that once, when she was trying to explain.... everything. She must have been related to the Jannah that died, somehow. That would be why she got the job of watching you.” She sighed and leaned back against the wall. “It’s funny, isn’t it. She and Giles were so different. But at the same time, they were so much alike. They even had the same job. Watching.” She realized that she was probably adding to Angel’s guilt feelings, and fell silent.
“Buffy?”
She shook herself out of her reverie. “What?”
Angel was frowning, as if he was trying to remember something. “Everything that happened right before I got my soul back is pretty fuzzy right now, but I’m almost positive that Spike stood up and hit me over the head with something. Did that really happen, or am I just not remembering something?”
Buffy giggled. “Yup. He got up out of his wheelchair and hit you with a poker or something until Dru attacked him. She was pretty upset. Then he knocked her out somehow and I don’t know where they went.”
Now Angel was *really* confused. “You wouldn’t have made it if he hadn’t helped. Or if he hadn’t knocked Dru out. You’re sure you didn’t do a soul restoration on *him*?”
She smiled. “No. He didn’t like the way Dru acted around you. He was jealous. So.... he looked me up and told me that he would give me Giles - alive - in exchange for letting him take Dru out of the country. And he wasn’t too happy with the whole end-of-the-world thing either. So that was added incentive to stop you.”
“Who would have guessed it......” Angel looked completely stupefied. “My best friend turns on me..... for a *girl*! Well, I guess it’s about the nicest thing he’s ever done.....”
Buffy was still angry at Xander. “A lot nicer than *my* best friend was to *me*. I still can’t believe he didn’t tell me that Will was going to try the curse again. It would have saved a lot of time, for one thing.....”
Angel pulled her into the circle of his arms. “How? I pulled the sword out before you noticed, so you would have had to kill me anyway.”
She gave him a withering look. “I would have made very sure that you were down for the count, decapitated those vamps, tied you up, and waited for the curse to hit. Not a fool proof plan, I admit, but it would have worked.”
He tilted her head up to meet his gaze. “It all worked out, so it won’t do any good to keep blaming him. We’re together now. That’s all that matters.” Buffy felt like she was drowning in his eyes. Slowly, she raised her lips to meet his.
When they finally broke the kiss, she settled herself comfortably against his chest, reveling in the knowledge that if she reached for his hand, after all these months of grasping at empty air, she would feel his fingers twine with hers. Angel ran his fingers lightly through her hair.
“Buffy?”
The sound of his voice made her smile. When the demon had spoken, it hadn’t really sounded like Angel. That voice had been devoid of all tenderness. When Angel said her name, she could hear his love in every syllable. “Hmmm?”
He rested his chin on the top of her head. “Remember that dress you wore, that one time when you danced with Xander?”
Buffy winced. “Is anybody ever going to let me forget that?”
He chuckled under his breath. “I wasn’t bringing it up to embarrass you. I was just wondering....”
The undertone in his voice sounded suspiciously teasing. “You were wondering what?”
“Maybe you could wear it sometime when you’re *not* going to be tearing my heart out and stepping on it. Because it looked really pretty on you.”
She looked up at him, surprised and pleased. “You notice what I wear?”
Angel smiled to himself, recalling lonely nights when he would try and bring her closer by drawing her, copying every detail of her hair, her makeup, her outfit, her expression.
He shrugged. “Sometimes.”