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Disclaimer: The characters aren’t mine. I know who they belong to, you know who they belong to, don’t sue. Unless of course you happen to love Star Wars and want all the books...
Author’s Notes: This takes place after The Prom. As we all know, Buffy is very heartbroken and sad, blah, blah, blah. Only she decides to do one thing before Angel leaves. I wonder what it is... Confused? Me too. Just read it. It’ll all make sense, I promise. Title blows, don’t they always? This idea just occurred to me the other day, so let me know what you think. Feedback is much appreciated!!!!
Buffy Summers moved through the halls of Sunnydale High in a numb daze. To those around her, it seemed that maybe she had had a bad night and didn’t sleep well. Or maybe she had a massive hangover. They seemed to pay more attention to her now, she got a few hellos and smiles as she walked through the hollow halls. She smiled back slightly, so deep in her sorrow and pain she could have been smiling at Brad Pitt for all she knew.
Or even Principal Snyder.
She shuddered at the thought.
Seeing Willow seated at one of the couches in the student lounge, Buffy turned gracefully and made her way up the steps. She plopped on the couch next to her best friend and leaned her head back, sighing softly. She closed her eyes and shut the world out. She hadn’t been fast enough to shut out the pain, though, that was just as strong as ever.
Willow looked up from the paper she had been studying intently and saw Buffy. She put the slightly worn paper aside and looked sympathetically at her.
“Hey,” she said softly, looking intently at her friend. “How’re you holding up?”
Buffy raised her head and gave Willow a sad smile. Her grief was evident. “You remember how I said you were right when you said it was probably all for the best?” Buffy asked in a deflated tone. Willow nodded. “Well, you’re not.”
“Buffy, I--”
“No, Will, I’m not blaming you or anything. I’m the one who fell for a vampire, and fell hard, might I add,” she said.
“It’s not necessary,” Willow quipped, trying to get a smile out of Buffy. It wasn’t working.
“But the more I think about it,” she continued, fixating on a point on the wall in front of her, “The more I realize it’s not true. It’s not for the best. And then I find out my mom talked to him and--”
“Huh? What do you mean your mom talked to him?” Willow asked, gazing at Buffy. She sighed again and brought her eyes back to focus on Willow.
“My mom said there were choices he had to make and she hoped he loved me enough to make them. Or something like that, crying hysterically and trying to listen do *not* mix,” she said with a hint of humor.
“How do you know?” Willow asked.
“She told me,” Buffy said sadly. “I guess she noticed I haven’t been all cheerful and happy lately--which shocks me, I mean this *is* my mom we’re talking about--and she told me. She was smiling and happy, like she did this great thing for me. And afterwards...she looked like she wanted my thanks. My thanks,” Buffy said with a humorless laugh. It seemed devoid of all emotion entirely, Willow noticed.
“Well, she is your mother, Buffy. She thinks she did the right thing,” Willow paused. “If you promise not to go all Slayer on me, can I say something? I think what she did was right.”
At Buffy’s sharp intake of breath, Willow looked closely at her friend, noticing the weary look she wore. She looked terrible, no makeup, hair in a regular ponytail. Heck, she was even wearing a pair of baggy overalls and a black sweatshirt. Buffy not wearing a trendy outfit was definitely a bad sign.
“How can you say that? Look what it’s doing to me,” she said quietly, gesturing to her clothes. “I’m pathetic. Girls get their hearts broken all the time and they bounce right back. Me, I sit and mope and think how unfair it is that my boyfriend, who is a two-hundred and forty five vampire, is leaving me.”
“Well,” Willow said, shifting uncomfortably. “With Angel leaving you’ll get things you never would have been able to have with him. Children, a future--”
“Sunset walks on the beach, a physical relationship, and a little white picket fence,” Buffy finished. “Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Angel’s not good for me, we have no future. I could repeat that stuff in a coma,” she said bitterly. Willow’s heart went out to her, it was devastating to see her best friend like this. “But Will, I’m the Slayer,” she said in a low voice, conscious of the students around them. Even though most of them probably knew, she really didn’t feel like broadcasting it to the entire world.
“I know Buffy, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a normal life,” Willow pleaded. She shifted again.
“Yeah, it does. How can I get married if I’m the Slayer without endangering my husband? How can I have kids without making them bait for all the things that want me dead? How can I hold a job when some demon could suddenly decide he wants to become king of the world or something and open the Hellmouth? There are a thousand things that stand between me and a normal life, not to mention an ocean and a few continents,” Buffy said. She’d thought about it so many times and come to the same conclusion. There was no escaping her destiny, she’d learned that lesson the hard way. Just like all of life’s lessons.
“When did I become so bitter?” she asked out loud, then looked startled. “Sorry, holding a conversation with myself and it slipped out.”
Willow gave her a reassuring look, but it faded as Buffy’s words echoed in her mind. They were true, truer even than her own. Buffy was absolutely right.
Buffy abruptly stood and walked to the stairs. She turned back and gave Willow a sad smile. “I need some ‘me’ time. You don’t mind, right?” she asked. Willow shook her head.
“Go ahead, I’ll meet you in the library later,” she replied. Buffy dropped her gaze to the floor and lingered a moment before walking slowly down the stairs. Willow watched until she faded into the traffic in the halls, then picked up the paper she had been studying. She pulled out a notebook and flipped to a clean sheet. Picking up the old book at her feet, she opened it to the marked spot and began copying things from the paper down, supplying certain words with others from the book. Seeing Buffy had given her resolve and Buffy’s words sealed it. She would give them a chance.
Buffy sat in the library after school, half-listening to Wesley and Giles argue about something. She was concentrating on her emotions. She couldn’t feel anything. There was nothing anymore, only a sharp ache. And emptiness. She felt so alone. Willow was typing away at the computer, the key strokes ringing hollow in Buffy’s ears. All her thoughts were centered around the man she could never have.
She thought of what he had said. About them. How their love was a freak show. She knew, deep down in her soul, that he hadn’t meant it. He had been trying to drive her away, make it easier on himself.
That didn’t make the hurt lessen.
“Yes!” Willow cried from her spot at the computer, startling Buffy, Wesley, and Giles. They all looked at her, obviously waiting for her to continue.
“Something you want to share with the class, Will?” Buffy asked. Willow looked a bit sheepish, but her face was glowing.
“I think I may have a way to help with your problem,” Willow said excitedly. Buffy looked at her skeptically.
“Unless you can magically make Angel human or find a way to change his mind, I appreciate the effort, but you can’t help,” Buffy said in a quiet, withdrawn tone. Willow just gave her a secretive look.
“Well, if that’s the way you’re going to be, maybe I won’t help,” Willow replied suddenly. Buffy looked at her, surprised. She sighed.
“Okay, Will. What do you have that will make my life all better? A really big band-aid?” Buffy joked. Willow gave her a look.
“Well, I’ve been thinking. And after our talk today, I decided I had to. I hate to see you sad, Buffy, you bring everyone else down with you,” Willow said, glancing at the computer screen. “So I contacted this friend I made online--okay, so she’s really Ms. Calendar’s niece, but that’s besides the point,” she rushed on, not stopping to see the surprised look she got from Giles and Buffy. “We made a few alterations in the curse, allowing it to become unbreakable.”
The room was silent for a long time. Buffy sat in complete shock, sudden emotions flooding her. She would not let herself become hopeful. She couldn’t. If she was let down, she didn’t think she’d be able to stand the pain.
“Are you sure?” she asked quietly. She glanced over at Giles and Wesley, who seemed equally stunned. Giles took his glasses off and absentmindedly began to clean them.
“Way sure,” Willow said, bubbling over with excitement. “She even had the old lady in their clan check it over. It’s real and it’s fool-proof.”
Buffy snapped at the words. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears as she jumped up suddenly, running over to hug Willow. She laughed and hastily wiped the now falling tears from her face.
“Is it dangerous?” Wesley asked. Willow shook her head.
“Nope, it’s actually a pretty safe spell. The other one was too, it’s just that performing it with a concussion is not a smart thing to do. There’s just a little catch,” she said. The others looked at her, the hope leaving Buffy’s face.
“Isn’t there always,” she muttered. She drew in a deep breath, steeling herself for it.
“This curse can’t be placed on someone who’s already cursed. Angel’s has to be broken for this to work,” Willow said. Buffy felt horror creep through her soul, touching the very depths.
“Angelus...” she whispered as more tears fell. The tears of happiness had quickly turned to tears of despair. “Oh, Will, we can’t. He can’t come back.”
Willow quickly jumped in before Giles got a chance to speak. “Buffy...I know it seems awful. And with what just happened with Faith, now is probably not the best time for this. But think about it. You and Angel could be together,” she reasoned. Buffy seemed to waver slightly. “Finally,” Willow whispered.
Buffy sobbed, bringing a hand to her mouth and reaching down to steady herself on the back of Willow’s chair. She stood and wrapped her arms around the Slayer.
“I want to, Will, I want to so badly I can taste it. But what if it doesn’t work? What if Angelus comes back for good? What if Angel doesn’t want me?” she whispered so only her best friend could hear her. Suddenly everything became crystal clear to her. Buffy was afraid Angel didn’t want to be with her. Terrified, actually.
“He does,” she said firmly. Buffy looked up at her tears sliding over her cheeks.
“How do you know?”
“Because I know he loves you more than anything.”
Buffy stood for a long moment. She finally sighed and looked at Giles, pleading with him to help her make a difficult decision. He inclined his head slightly, giving her his silent approval. She didn’t bother looking at Wesley, what he had to say meant absolutely nothing to her. She looked back at Willow.
“Do you need to get anything?” she asked quietly. Willow’s face broke out in a huge grin.
“Already taken care of. It’s pretty much the same ritual,” she said, going over to the computer and printing something. “Smelly herbs, Orb of Thesula. As soon as you’re ready, let me know.”
Buffy threw one more look at Giles, then looked back at Willow, a small smile spreading on her lips for the first time in days. “Is tonight too short of a notice?”
Buffy stepped into the cool mansion. The sun had set seconds ago, so she knew Angel would be home. A thousand butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She didn’t even know if he would want her again, if he would want to take this opportunity. Seize the moment, again.
She made her way into his bedroom. Her breath caught in her throat as she gazed at him. He was dreaming, she could see that on his face. She wondered sadly who it was that occupied his dreams. Certainly not her...
She was stirred from her thoughts when Angel whispered her name. Startled, she saw he was still asleep. He shifted in bed and suddenly woke up. He saw her peering at him from her spot just inside the velvet curtains.
“Buffy. What’re you doing here?” he asked evenly, trying desperately not to show how happy he was to see her. She made his horrible existence a bit more bearable with her presence.
She froze, suddenly very unsure. He wouldn’t want to do it, he had made up his mind to leave her and that was that. She turned suddenly away, about ready to bolt, when suddenly a strong thought pushed through all the confusion. She had to take this chance, if not for herself then for Angel. He deserved it. She squared her shoulders and looked at him.
“There’s really no easy way to say this, so I’ll just skip all the pointless small talk and get to it. Willow found a way to make your soul permanent.”
She studied Angel’s face as he absorbed the news. He was trying hard to mask his feelings, she could tell. But joy and hope broke through.
“There’s just a tiny catch. You have to lose your soul again for it to work,” she said quietly, avoiding his gaze. She knew he would not agree to it, but it was at least worth a shot.
She focused on the wall for at least a minute, not being able to look at Angel as he contemplated it. She was so scared that he would say that he didn’t want her, didn’t want the curse to be permanent. Gathering the strength she had left, which was none, she looked back at him to see him studying her intently. She blushed slightly.
“Look, I know that after what happened last time you probably don’t want to go through all that again. You made it pretty clear how you felt about that night. I’m not doing this for me. Well, Willow is, this was a little present for me. But I want you to be able to be truly happy, even if it isn’t with me. You deserve that much and--” she babbled but was cut off by Angel. He rose from bed wearing a pair of sweat pants and no shirt and made his way over to where she stood.
“Buffy, I know you want this. But if it happens, it’ll change everything. I--”
She nodded curtly, trying desperately to hold back the tears and hurt. She failed and looked away from him. “I understand, I just wanted you to know you had the option,” she said tightly, turning to leave. Angel’s arms caught her and her control threatened to snap.
“I want to, Buffy. So bad I’ll go insane from it. But if the curse works, I’ll have no reason to leave you, to give you that normal life you want so badly,” he said quietly willing her to look at him. She turned sharply at his words.
“Is that what you think I want? A normal life?” she asked. He nodded. “With kids and lots of sunlight and a little white picket fence?” He nodded again, not exactly sure where she was going with this. “Angel, I’m the Slayer. Like I told Will. Anyone I get involved with will ultimately get themselves killed. And it will be all my fault. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. Plus, slayage is not something I want to do as a family activity.”
“But you don’t know that. What happens if you never get the chance to experience those things? What if you look back and think of how you wasted your life?” Angel asked. His arms still encircled Buffy’s waist. They were both aware of it, yet neither pulled away.
“Angel, I want you. Forever. I don’t care about anything else, all I care about is being with you, sharing my life with you. I love you and nothing will ever change that,” she replied, gazing into his chocolate pupils. He seemed to be debating it and he finally gave her a smile.
“When can we begin?” he asked with a devilish smile. Buffy responded by leaning up and giving him a tender kiss.
“Now. Will’s got everything set up. I just have to call her when we’re done,” Buffy said quietly as Angel caught her mouth in another kiss. He broke it off suddenly.
“Buffy, what did you mean by me not wanting to go through with it again and that I made my feeling clear?” Angel asked. She dropped her head and Angel raised it with his hand, cupping it gently.
“What you said...after you changed. You said it was no big deal...” her voice cracked as fresh tears welled.
“I didn’t say that, the demon did. That night was the best night of my life. And it was because I spent it with the woman I love. Your gift meant so much to me, your trust and love caused the curse to break,” he whispered as he kissed away the tears.
“Really?” she asked. He nodded and kissed her nose, sealing it. He picked her up and carried her to the bed setting her down gently and lying down next to her. He stroked her hair as he kissed her.
“I love you,” he said as they kissed.
“I love you, too,” she whispered as joy swelled in her heart.
They lay facing each other, Angel’s silk sheets pulled around their cooling bodies. They lay in silence, gazing into each other’s eyes. Angel’s hand caressed her arm lightly, sending shivers down her spin.
“I’m sorry, Buffy. I know I hurt you, I hurt myself too. I just wanted what was best for you,” Angel apologized softly. Buffy smiled.
“No big. I just expect lots of chocolate. And flowers. Clothes are nice too,” she grinned. Angel chuckled and pulled her in for a kiss.
“I think we found a new occupation for you. Stealing souls for a living could be good money,” Angel said. Buffy gave him a look.
“I’ll only steal yours,” she replied. She snuggled closer to Angel. After about half hour she reluctantly stood. The manacles that had been hanging in the main room were placed on the ring above Angel’s bed, his wrists tightly bound. Buffy sat nearby, flipping through an old issue of Seventeen that she had left at the mansion.
Her attention was turned to Angel when he moaned. She sat up and watched him, feeling her heart twist.
“It’s happening, Buffy...I can feel it,” he groaned.
“Does it hurt?” she asked softly. He nodded, throwing his head back suddenly.
“I love you, baby,” he cried as his body stopped shaking and his eyes slumped shut. She waited, knowing it had happened.
Yellow eyes opened slowly. Angelus looked around, finding himself bound tightly to the wall. He focused on Buffy, who was frozen in place. “Well, if it isn’t my little Slayer. Fucking her boyfriend again. How sweet. You think you’ll be able to make the curse permanent.”
Hatred poured out of Buffy as she faced the thing that had caused her so much pain and heartache. She picked up the phone on the end table. Angelus snarled and nipped at the air. She jumped slightly as if she had been stung, then dialed the number of the library.
“Will?...Yeah, we did...Yep...Okay...Hurry. Be careful...Bye,” she said, hanging up the phone. She picked up her magazine again and fought not to look at Angelus. She leafed through it, waiting for the spell to be complete.
“How can you be so calm? What if it doesn’t work? What if the curse totally backfires? What then, Buffy?” Angelus smirked. Buffy finally looked up, annoyed.
“Do you ever tire of hearing your own voice?” she asked, a bored look on her face. As he was about to reply, he groaned suddenly. He looked at Buffy once more.
“Bitch. I should’ve killed you when I had the chance,” he said, struggling to maintain control.
“Yeah, but you didn’t. You lose, I win. As always. Say hi to all my friends in hell,” she said confidently as Angel’s eyes glowed. He screamed a blood curdling scream and slumped back into the cool sheets. Buffy approached him warily, not sure if it was a trick. His eyes fluttered and opened.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Strangely at peace,” he answered. Buffy took one look into his eyes and knew it was Angel. The feelings there could not be faked. She released him and leaned to kiss him. The phone rang suddenly. Buffy groaned and answered it.
“Hey Buffy. Did it work?” Willow asked breathlessly.
“Yeah, it did. Did you change anything else?” she asked suspiciously. Willow laughed.
“He shouldn’t feel as much regret as he did before.”
“Okay, I’ll be sure to mention it. Can you call my mom and tell her what happened? And tell her it doesn’t matter if she approves or not, I’m a big girl and can do whatever I want,” Buffy said.
“Sure, I can do that.”
“Will, thanks. I don’t know what I would do without you,” Buffy said, her voice suddenly somber. She really didn’t want to think of what might have happened if Willow had never tried it.
“No problem. I was happy to do it,” Willow replied, pride surging through her.
“I’m buying you a big present,” Buffy laughed. “I gotta go. Thank Giles and Wesley and tell them I’ll see them tomorrow.”
“Will do. Tell Angel I said hi!” she said as she hung up.
Buffy hung up the phone as Angel’s arms slipped around her waist. She leaned into them, grateful for the support.
Turning, she gave him another soft kiss. He moved over as she inched more onto the bed. As they lay down together again, Buffy felt her entire being soar with happiness. She and Angel would be together and nothing on Earth would come between them.