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Disclaimer: Of course they're not mine! If they were mine, I wouldn't be doing a denial fic to fix everything. These characters belong to Joss Whedon, who loves to play with our minds, as well as the WB, 20th Century Fox and Mutant Enemies.
Author's Note: Like a lot of Buffy/Angel fans, I am not happy with the whole Angel breaking up and leaving thing and seriously think somebody needs to talk some sense into them. However, since I cannot just go and give them (and Joss) a piece of my mind I'll have someone else do it for me through fanfic. This takes place around the time and after Prom and on through Graduation, it changes nothing about what happens during the Ascension except how Buffy and Angel react to each other & Angel doesn't leave.
Part 1
She watched them as he told Buffy that he would be leaving, that he wouldn't be coming back. She watched as she cried into Willow's arms saying that she was trying to keep from dying. What had once been ease between the two turned into tension and hurt. They couldn't even seem to communicate and work together anymore. She watched as each fell into restless sleep each night. Each plagued by thoughts of the other, he unerringly silent and she sobbing and crying herself to sleep. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. The gods had fated them to fall in love. The spell had been meant to put things right and be her final good deed. She wasn't going to let this happen. Not while she was still … sentient.
He was staring into the leaping flames in the fireplace. All thoughts focused on Buffy. "Hello," a voice behind him said. Angel spun around, startled by the familiar voice. He backed up into the wall, staring wide eye at the person in front of him. "It's okay," Ms. Calendar said as she sat down in one of the chairs.
"I won't help you," Angel said.
"Help me? I'm dead remember. There's not much you can do to help me," Ms. Calendar said, "or harm me for that matter." Angel continued to eye her warily. "Relax. You're starting to make me nervous. I just came here to talk."
Angel sat down cautiously, in the chair opposite her. "I won't agree to any deals with you. I won't do evil," Angel said with a determined air.
"Evil?" Ms. Calendar said blankly, before understanding suddenly dawned on her face. "Oh, you think I'm the First." Angel nodded. "You know you should be more observant of people's attitudes. The First acted and sounded nothing like me. I'm here from the spirit world. You're being visited by a genuine ghost."
"Oh," Angel said, apparently relieved.
"You looked like you needed someone to talk to."
"Why would you want to talk to me? I killed you."
"First of all, you didn't kill me, Angelus did. And secondly, I was the one who didn't do my job in the first place, which allowed you to lose you soul. Then I was the one who came up with the spell that gave you your soul back and helped put you in your current position. By my figuring, we're even." Angel looked shocked at the speech. "So why are you leaving her?"
"She deserves better than me."
"Love rarely has anything to do with who deserves what," Ms. Calendar commented.
"I would only make her unhappy," Angel said getting up and beginning to pace, "She deserves the chance to live in the light with someone. Someone who can walk with her, do things with her during the day-"
"There's nothing that says you two can't do things together during the day. Just not in the sunlight."
"Things *in* the sunlight. She deserves someone who can make love to her, who can give her children."
"Is that some 18th century idea?"
"What?" Angel asked, startled for a moment.
"You're assuming that she would want children. Is that some 18th century idea? Not all women actually want children, you know. Some are very happy without. Did you ask her if she wanted children?"
"No. No one wants children at that age … but she will."
"How do you know?"
"I've seen her … she cares for everyone so much … she would be a wonderful mother," Angel said wistfully.
Ms. Calendar gave him a dubious look and shook her head. "Sit," Ms. Calendar said, in her old school teacher voice. Angel sat, responsive as all creatures are to an authoritative female voice. "Despite Faith's proclamation, slayers aren't born to fight," Ms. Calendar began, "They're born to defend and protect the innocent … mainly by destroying vampires, although as we've proven demons and witches are not out of their range. That means that most slayers, Faith being a notable exception, have an instinct to save and protect. It's a lot like the mothering instinct, only much more general and none of the children part. Slayers generally aren't born with a lot of mothering instinct. If they had a mothering instinct, they'd try to have children. And if they even tried to have children it's doubtful whether they would live through the nine months of pregnancy and then the children would be a liability and probably be left motherless at a very young age. The mothering instinct would get in the way of slaying, so for the most part it's left out. A strange quirk about Slayers I learned from Rupert. Besides which, slayers rarely live long enough to have children."
"She would survive," Angel said stubbornly.
"Maybe she could if she laid off doing her job for a couple of months," Ms. Calendar replied sarcastically, "But we both know she wouldn't do that. She's too much a slayer."
Angel seemed to be upset by this speech and began pacing again, still scowling. "It doesn't matter!" he said, "She still deserves more than this. She shouldn't be forced to live in the darkness. She doesn't deserve this!"
"Who's forcing her? She's old enough to be making her own decisions. Don't you think she has the right to choose who she'll be happy with?"
"It wouldn't work. She's going to grow old and I'm not."
"She knows that. She's still choosing you. Why are you acting like you're so much older and wiser?"
"She's eighteen. I'm well past two hundred. I think even you can admit I'm older than she is."
"Age doesn't matter, maturity does and slayers mature quickly due to their situation and the life they live, while you … well, let's just say that you don't seem to have matured much considering how old you are. At least around her you seem to act at about the same maturity level as her," she replied blandly. Ms. Calendar paused for a moment. "Maybe we're going about this the wrong way. Maybe it's not so much that you want something better for her as you want a way out. Do you love her?"
"Of course I love her! This isn't about me it's about her!"
"Is it? Think about it for a minute. What do you feel for her?"
"I feel … I … I want protect her from everything … I … I can't stand to see her cry … I feel like someone's dropped a weight on my chest when she's sad … I'd give my life for her."
"But that could just be brotherly love, or friendly type love. You were in hell for a lo-ng time. Those could be remnant feeling from before, changed into something else. Are you in love with her *now*?" Ms. Calendar asked gently.
Angel paused for a moment, picturing her in his mind. "Sometimes I can only watch her in wonder," he murmured half to himself, "She's so beautiful … when I think of kissing her … I've almost taken it for granted sometimes, since I got back … take for granted that she loved me … when I think that I won't be able to hold and comfort her anymore … that she wouldn't let me kiss her … wouldn't want me to … I want more than anything to hold her in my arms … to kiss her and …"
"Okay," Ms. Calendar said, gently breaking off his rambling, heartfelt dialogue, "We've established that you love her. So why did you break it off? Why are you going to leave?"
"Because I love her! She'll be better off without me and I love her enough to give her that. I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart! I told her that and I'll tell you the same. Why can't *you* at least see that?" Angel yelled angrily.
"Are you thinking with your head?" she retorted, "Looks to me you're still thinking a little too much with your heart."
"What do you mean?" Angel growled.
"How many times over would she be dead if you hadn't been here? You're both alive today because of each other. How long do you think she'll live when you're gone?" Angel shook his head, not wanting to think of the chance of Buffy dying. "You know I'm right. You were first brought here to help and protect her. She's one of the greatest slayers in history because she had friends … and she had you. By leaving you're not only abandoning her, you're abandoning the job you were first brought here to do. How will you feel, if you go away and weren't even there to *try* and save her from the killing blow? To think that she died sad and alone? That you could have saved her?" she asked.
Angel sank down into the chair opposite her, shaking his head in his hands. "No," he mumbled.
"Do you actually want to leave and put yourself in a position where you can't help? It's not easy to only be able to watch your love ones. Or hear the news, but not be able to do anything about it. Believe me," she said, the pain evident in her voice.
"It's too late. She'd be better off without me."
"She did go without you, remember," Ms. Calendar stated, obviously a little annoyed. Angel looked up at her startled, his face full of sadness. "You were in Hell for four to five months here. She lived without you, she knows what it's like and when you came back she decided she liked living with you more than without you." She waited, but Angel didn't reply. "Did you ever ask her what happened while you were gone?" Angel shook his head. "Maybe you should," Ms. Calendar said standing up. She turned and started to walk away.
"Wait!" Angel said. Ms. Calendar stopped and turned around to face him. "I'm sorry for what I did to you."
Ms. Calendar smiled sadly at him. "It wasn't you. Go talk to her, it's not too late. And don't let your pride and your guilt get in your way! She can make her own decisions. You two are meant to be together and if you can fix this problem you've created through your own self sacrifice … I promise you'll be rewarded after the Ascension."
"Thank you," he said, as she disappeared. He turned to stare into the fire again, only to find himself waking up.