|
|
Angel gazed in the window watching her, his heart breaking. She was crying in her sleep. He couldn't stand to think he'd caused her so much unhappiness. The dream had been so vivid, he had had an irresistible urge to come and look at her. He had thought that watching her sleep peacefully would calm him, but she had been sobbing in her sleep, a few stray words that she muttered only served to worsen his guilt.
He crept in the window silently to stand and look over her. She tossed restlessly in her sleep, before settling for a moment. Slowly she opened her eyes to look up at him.
"Are you real?" she asked. He nodded. "And you're leaving," Buffy said. Once again he nodded. "Don't," she quietly replied.
He shook his head and sat down on the bed beside her. "I have to," he told her, "It will be better this way."
"No," she said, sitting up, "It won't."
"I didn't mean to upset you. I'll go."
"No! Angel, please talk to me. There's no reason for you to go."
"There's every reason for me to go. There are too many complications. Too many things you deserve that I can't give you. Just think for a minute," he told her.
"No! You think about it! You think about all the things you *can* give me and are taking away. You're taking away my backup, my patrol buddy, we work together as a team better than anyone else." Angel shook his head and looked away. "No!" Buffy said taking his face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. "I listened to you, now you listen to me! We know each others moves, we can practically read each others minds. Without you I'll have no one to watch my back, no partner that I wouldn't be worried will be cornered by a vamp that's easily stronger than they are. I won't have anyone to save me from the Three, or lead Xander to the Master's lair, who can save me from demons and monsters … and myself," she said, her voice growing soft and painful, her hands already having dropped to her sides. Angel's eyes grew sad with each sentence. He had heard these arguments already once tonight, but they had not driven it home as much as the fear of death in his love's eyes. He reached his hand up to brush the hair back from her face and to cup her face in his hand.
"You would be better off without me," he said.
"How would you know?!" she asked jerking her head away from his hand. "I tried that remember! It sucked!"
"You moved on. You were dating again when I got back."
"For my friends, for Giles, for my Mom. They were scared to death I hadn't settled in again and they wanted to know I was happy. They wanted to know I wouldn't run off, so I started dating Scott. He was nice, stable, and painfully boring. I was miserable."
"Why would they be scared you would run away?" Angel asked, catching the first part of her answer. She turned away not wanting to meet his eyes. "What happened while I was gone?"
"I ran away," she said quietly, "I couldn't take it. I sent you to Hell and I couldn't deal." She turned to look at him, a look of horror and sorrow on his face. She looked away again, unable to meet his gaze. "I ran. I left them all here on the Hellmouth without a Slayer. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't face them after what I had done. I lived on my own all summer. There were so many times … it would have been so easy to end it all, but I was too dead inside, even for that. My dreams were all I had. You haunted me there. Sometimes we were happy, but sometimes you cursed me for what I had done."
"What changed?" he asked quietly, hardly able to picture her as desperate as the picture she painted, as desperate as she sounded.
"I met a girl in the diner I was working at. She used to be one of those vamp worshippers, you remember?" Angel nodded slightly. "She was there with her boyfriend. They had just gotten a heart tattooed on their arms, half a heart on each, with the other's name on their arm," Buffy said, lightly sketching half a heart on her forearm. "She recognized me. She came back a few days later, saying that Ricky, her boyfriend, had disappeared. I found him … dead. It was a local demon, using people as slaves in another dimension. I shut down their operation and saved a couple people … She was so crushed … I learned then that I could still help people, even if *I* was dead inside … I couldn't let anyone else end up like her … like me. Too much slayer in me I guess. When I came back I started dating Scott to make them happy. All I lived for was my friends, my family, and my duty when I came back. I lived to make others happy." There was an immense quiet for awhile. Buffy wouldn't meet Angel's eyes scared of what he would think of her. Angel had tears in his eyes, his heart aching for her.
"Buffy," Angel said, bringing his face to face him. "That was guilt. Guilt can do a lot to people. As far as you were concerned I was dead. That kind of guilt can change people. Look what it did to Faith."
Buffy shook her head. He wouldn't accept it. She felt like she was dead without him, and he didn't want to accept it. She looked down and stared at the quilt. "That was only part of it … Do you love me?" she asked. Angel sat quietly not willing to answer. She pulled her knees up to her chest as her eyes started to tear. She looked up into his face, so filled with love, sorrow, and pity. "Answer me," she demanded.
"We can't be together," Angel said.
"That's not what I asked," she said quietly. "Do you love me?"
"How can you doubt it?" he asked, genuinly shocked.
She shook her head and looked away. "You said you didn't *want* to be with me … You've been so distant lately … upset by things I say or do … And you're dodging the question." She paused for a moment, waiting for his answer, but he said nothing. "If you don't feel anything anymore," she continued hurridly, "It's okay. I won't keep you here out of pity." She looked back at Angel, who could only stare at her in shocked silence.
"Buffy-"
"It's okay, if that's why you're leaving" she said cutting him off and burying her head in her knees and the covers, "I won't make you stay, but … I can't stand not knowing. I can't stand feeling like I'm about to die and this impending feeling of overwhelming hope and joy at the same time. It's too much. I need to know."
Angel couldn't stand to see her crying like that. He hugged her softly and buried his face in her hair as he loved to do. "I will always love you," he murmured into her hair, "Never doubt that." She looked up slowly.
"But you've been so distant. You don't act like you're happy with me. Like I just make you sadder … being with me makes you sadder."
"I'm just … you tell me about everything that happened all day long and I … I feel guilty because you're with me instead of doing happy things, like the things you do all day."
"Which is strange, because all day long I talk about you. I can't wait to see you. You've been getting so sad and quiet that I feel I need to fill up the space, try to cheer you up. You only seem to get more distant … I thought that-"
"I will never stop loving you," he told her fiercly. She looked into his eyes and kissed him suddenly. Angel tried to draw back, but the moment his lips touched hers, he couldn't pull away. It was a soft kiss, salty with dried tears. He pulled away from her slowly, when the kiss had ended.
"But you're still leaving aren't you?" Angel nodded.
"Do you remember … back before anything happened … before the Judge?" she asked, looking at him sadly. He nodded. "We were so happy then. Why did it change? What changed? I mean, there wasn't that much of a difference in the situation back then. Practically nothing, except that we didn't know we couldn't take that last step. Is it so important? Does it really matter to you that much? Because I sure as hell don't care and it's not like you could do it with anyone else either," she said bitterly.
"No. … It's that now … I remember what it was like. I remember you," he said softly, "I remember bliss and it's temptation-"
"But you said just a few weeks ago that all of that didn't matter. That you could control yourself. What? Has that change? Do you not trust yourself now? Not trust me? That's it sin't it? You don't trust me, because I'm just a teenager- a child. And if I forgot, if I tried to seduce you, THEN you wouldn't trust yourself!"
"No! It's not like that," Angel said exhasperatedly, "Buffy why are you doing this?"
"Doing what? Fighting? Fighting to keep everything I love?"
"Why are you lashing out like this. Why are you acting like you hate me all of a sudden?"
"Maybe it's because my heart is breaking. Maybe it's because it hurts inside. Maybe it's because I think you're wrong and there's too much at stake to let this go without a fight. Why wouldn't I try to keep you from leaving? What do you see? A woman trying to keep the only man she'll ever love from leaving, or do you just see a child throwing a temper tantrum."
"Buffy, *you* deserve to be able to make love to someone-" Angel said avoiding her question and coming back to his old argument.
"I said I don't care!" she sobbed, "I told you I don't care about it! Not as long as I'm with you. I'll never care. It doesn't matter!"
"But it will, you'll-"
"How do you know?! You know that's another thing that's changed. You!" she told him. Angel gaped at her, hardly believing her words.
"We were happy back then. We trusted one another and loved each other and worked together … but you were you, and I was me. You let me make my own decisions. You didn't think of me as some child that you had to take care of. And now, you'd think it would be better since we were apart so long- or maybe that's just made me a little clingy and I'm sorry if that's so," Buffy apologized. "But I know more now and there aren't secrets anymore. I know all about the demon, I've met him first hand and I still love you - and don't shake your head!" Buffy shouted as Angel began doing just that. His head snapped up in surprise and he looked her in the eye.
"I DO love you. But that's where you've changed. You don't want me to make my own decisions anymore. You try to make them for me."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do! You want to decide who I love, who'll I'll be happy with, where I'll be happy, what's best for me. You didn't used to do that. If I said I wanted or loved or liked you, or something, or anything, you might deny it to start if you didn't like it, but if I pushed and insisted you'd believe me. You'd let me choose. You trusted me, you respected me. And maybe that changed when I- I pushed and you lost your soul and when I chose that it was my duty to save the world by sending you to hell. And maybe you're still mad at me and blame me for that, so you don't want me to choose anymore."
"Buffy, neither of those was your fault. You had to save the world."
"And the other?"
"That wasn't your fault! You didn't know. It's my fault. I should have known better."
"Why? You didn't know any better, either!"
"But I shoud have. I should have thought of it. Shouldn't have-"
"Let me push," she finished bitterly. "And there's where you've changed. It is partially my fault. We used to be partners. That was something we did together. Equals. Now … you have to know better. You have to be the adult. You have to be above me. I'm not looking for someone to protect me, Angel," she said harshly, "Not like that. I've got Giles already. I've got my father-figure. So-"
"Is that what you think?" he asked grabbing her by the arms.
"That's what it seems like," she said looking away from his eyes and looking pointedly at his hands gripping her arms. He let go of her, stung by her coldness and realizing how his gesture seemed to prove her point.
"And if that's what you want to be, some father-figure, some hero, then we *should* break-up, you should leave. If my lover died as he gained that title, then I've just been fooling myself since then and you should go." She turned away not wanting him to see the tears running down her face and he watched her in stunned silence. His eyes were wide and the pain evident on his face.
"I … I don't want to be a father-figure. I- I didn't mean to be … Buffy, I *do* love you. I *am* here," he said, gently turning her face so he could see her eyes.
"But you've changed," she whispered, "And you won't stay. Won't respect my decision, won't stand side-by-side with me. Won't escept that I love you, that I want to be with you. Will you?"
"This is all for you. I just want you to be happy."
"Angel," she said shaking her head, "You're still talking about me. What you want for me. I know what I want. I know how I can be happy. What do *you* want for *you*?"
He looked at her earnestly and she stared into his dark eyes, pleading with him to be selfish, just this once. "I want you. I want to be with you. I want your love."
"And you have it," she said smiling.
"But it won't work and it won't last."
"But, it can work," she pleaded, "We've proven that we can make it work. And we can make it last! And even if it doesn't, isn't that happiness we have, for however long worth it? If even for just for a little while, a few months?"
He hesitated unsure of what to say.
"Please stay, Angel."
She could almost see him thinking, trying to find an actually reason to leave. "I want … you deserve so much more than I can give you … you could be just as happy with someone else."
"No! I couldn't!"
"I won't let myself stay and destroy your hopes of the future."
"You *are* my hopes for the future," Buffy said as she took his hands, sensing that she was getting through to him. "You're all my hopes and dreams. There is no future without you."
"No-"
"Yes," she insisted, "I lived without you before Acathla, you know. You were there! Angelus isn't you. You were gone almost a year before you came back from Hell. Before I sent you to Hell, I felt like I was slowly dying. All my will to live was leaving me. Everyday, life looked less and less pleasing. When I was finally able to get up the guts to kill you, it was because I had accepted you were gone … because I had decided that other peoples lives were more important than mine. Because I had given up hope that you would change back. The only reason I even started trying to date when I got back from running away was because I realized how much I meant to my friends and family. I realized that even if I couldn't be happy, they wouldn't be happy until they thought I was. So I started dating Scott. It's duty … and love for my friends and family that kept me from dying long ago. I knew that if I died than it would hurt them. … hope that you would come back was the only thing that kept me alive on the inside, even they couldn't do that. If you leave me now … you might as well shoot me. A quick death would be less painful."
"Don't say that," Angel said, shaking her, scared of her talk of death.
"It's true, you know it's true," she said, "You have all of Angelus's memories." Angel shook his head not meeting his eyes. "Don't you get it! Without you there is no me! There's just a shell, a fighting, vampire killing shell," she said, emphasizing each point by a rough tap on his chest. She stopped tears coming to her eyes. "I'll die without you."
"Shh," he murmured, gathering her into his arms.
"Please don't go," she sobbed, finally letting go of the emotions building inside of her, "I couldn't live without you. I don't know if I can take it again. It's all I can do to keep from dying." She cried into his shoulder, holding onto him tightly. Angel held her tightly and stroked her hair.
Only once before had she ever let him see her cry and cried into his shoulder. She hated showing her weakness. She didn't want him to leave. He had to admit to himself as he rocked her, letting her cry, that she had looked like she was dying. He'd never seen her so sad as she was now. Not even when he had watched her from the shadows during her parents divorce. It scared him to think he had that much affect on her. It was so much easier to think that it wasn't true, but it was and he knew that she had the same effect on him. He rocked her slowly.
He had been trying to take care of her, he realized. At first it was partly to repay her for taking care of him and then … maybe he had been scared of what would happen, just trying to be an adult voice, or a voice of reason. He had just been reacting. He hadn't really thought about it. It was hard to accept that she might actually want to be with him, rather than anyone else. He didn't even want to think of the possibility that she would die because he left, not because of complications but because of the simple fact that he left. He had never wanted to be her father-figure anymore than she had wanted him to be one. He remembered when he had just strived to be her equal, to be worthy of her, back when it was simplier. It touched him to know that she had thought of them as partners and equals. When she had called him her lover … she had said it with such love. He was surprised she could use that word after he had taunted her so. He wanted to be that equal again. To know what it was like. He knew he loved her enough to let her go, but now he knew he was strong enough to let her choose.
"Shh," he murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Yes you are," she cried, "You said you'd leave. Please don't leave me."
"I'll never leave you. I won't leave." She looked up at him, understanding dawning on her.
"Not … you won't leave after the Ascension? You're …"
"I won't leave. I'll stay with you. You're right. It's your choice who you want to be with."
"I want to be with you. I love you." Angel smiled and kissed her and she responded eagerly. She broke it off suddenly looking at him warily. "This isn't just some for now thing right. You're not leaving. Ever?"
Angel chuckled and pulled her closer. "I'll only leave if you tell me too."
"Never," she agreed. She smiled and kissed him, twining her arms about his neck.
"I don't know whether to laugh or cry," she said as they broke away.
"Laugh," he said, "You're so beautiful when you're happy." He brushed a piece of hair out of her face lovingly. She laughed and kissed him again, before laying her head on his shoulder. They sat like that for awhile Buffy clutching him as if he might disappear, her face buried in his neck.
"You wouldn't listen before," she murmured after awhile, "What changed?"
"Had a strange dream. Probably my subconscious talking some sense into me," Angel replied. Buffy smiled thinking of Ms. Calendar.
"Your mother's not going to like this," Angel said ominously.
Buffy held him tighter. "My mother's still in denial," she stated sourly.
"I thought she knew that you're the Slayer."
"She does, but she thinks that if I move away, or she can keep me away from you and Giles that I can have a normal life. She doesn't understand that I *am* the slayer. It's not a job or something. It's who I am."
"You deserve a normal life," Angel said.
"Tell that to fate, or whatever decided to make me Slayer. Besides," Buffy continued, "When you're not trying to be so god damn noble and self-sacrificing and threatening to leave … I like my life. And I love you. Normal would be so boring."
"I love you," Angel said. Buffy smiled settled herself more comfortably against him, burying her face in neck and shoulder. She had come to close to losing him, and she wasn't about to let him go right now, but she felt peaceful. She knew that they were okay for now, and she knew that there was a ghost watching over them somewhere and a promise of a better future after the Ascension.