|
|
Disclaimer: Of course they’re not mine, do you really think *I* could be so mean? They’re property of one Joss Whedon. They also belong to Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, and the WB. I’m just trying to pass the time until the new season begins. Also, the lyrics and title belong to Sarah McLachlan. They’re from her album “Solace” and technically from “Rarities, B-Sides, and Other Stuff” too.
Author’s Notes: This is after Becoming Part 2. Buffy’s run away, Angel’s in hell, we’re all dying from the suspense. I thought had I lost this story, actually I lost the disk it was on, but I found it yesterday. Okay, so it’s been like a year since Becoming happened, but that’s besides the point. Better late than never, right? You don’t have to give me feedback on this one, I’m just glad it finally got posted.
She walked slowly, tiredly, as though she had been on her feet for days. The darkened streets faded away as she walked towards the dark, small place she now called home. She moved in a daze, a trance almost, for she was not who she had once been. That person was dead, had died weeks before along with the person she loved to save the world. Such a big sacrifice for such a small child.
But she would not think of that now, would not think of him. The one who had suffered so much, and was now suffering inconceivable pain in the dark, burning pits of Hell. And the person who had once inhibited this vessel, this body, was with him. Sure, she was the same person, had the same soul. But a large part of that soul had been sucked into those swirling colors of blue and red on that faithful spring morning in May.
She trudged on through the streets, oblivious to the world. Those who passed shook their heads, seeing one so young looking so sad. It looked as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders and was cracking under the immense pressure. She sighed slightly, almost to the place she now called home.
But it wasn’t home, just some shell that offered shelter. It was unnervingly similar to herself, just an empty place, so different from the old, vibrant person she had once been. But that time was past, this was her new destiny.
They're crowded into the smallest spaces
While outside all of nature cries
It's known to be cruel and unfair
But there is no place to hide
Oh I've seen a part of people that I never really want to share
Oh I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there
She knew nothing of vampires, demons, and monsters. Had no idea what a Slayer was, or a Watcher. No comprehension of what it was like to fight for her life night after dreary night, wondering if she would live to see the next sunrise. No need for ‘Slayerettes,’ no need for family. No need for the love of an Angel, an Angel twice fallen, twice redeemed. No use for the satisfaction and love he had so openly offered, no need for his heart or soul.
Or at least, that’s what she told herself.
Shelter - give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter - give them shelter from the coming storm
She entered her room slowly, throwing her threadbare jacket on the floor as she closed and locked the door. She caught a splinter from the old door, but did not even blink as it penetrated her pale skin. She was numb, constantly and completely numb. She pulled it out and sucked on the wound absentmindedly while she stripped her tattered clothing off and pulled an old tee shirt over her head. Wearily, she pulled back the thin covers and climbed into bed, drawing them up the her chin and curling into a ball.
Only then did she allow memories to resurface, images to come back. Of times past, happier times, better times. Faces, smiling and laughing and joking and enjoying life. Faces, marred with fear and unspeakable courage. Faces stricken with shock and grief. They danced around the corners of her mind, reminding her of all she had given up, of all she had abandoned, of all she had let go.
I can't sleep haunted by their faces
The sadness in their eyes
It hurts so much to see them helpless
It makes me want to cry
Willow, her sweet, compassionate friend who was always willing to help.
Xander, her funny, adoring sidekick who would risk his life to save hers.
Oz, the one who made Willow so happy, proving his worth many times.
Cordelia, the one with a heart hidden behind all the ice and foundation.
Giles, her mentor, her father in spirit.
Her mother, her flesh and blood, the one she needed to believe in her.
Angel.
Her tears began their familiar descent down her cheeks as she thought of him. There weren’t words to describe how he made her feel, what he did for her. She had never known she could feel the emotions he had evoked, she had never known there could be a love so deep and strong and true on Earth. A love that defied all the rules, all the obstacles, all the trials and tribulations, and still managed to burn bright and righteous.
But she was undeserving of such a love. She had caused all those she loved nothing but pain and heartache. When she had first left, she had thought it was because of what she had done to him. But as she thought more and more about it, she had realized that that had just been the final blow. So many little things had led up to it. She had failed so many in her duty. She was inadequate to stop the forces of darkness. So she had run away.
How cowardly.
The almighty Slayer, running away from her friends and family. She didn’t know if she could have been able to handle their pity, she didn’t want it. She had done what had needed to be done and left.
But still there is so much left unanswered
For so many innocent lives
They close the doors and are letting nobody in
And only the strong will survive
Yet she had left so many things unfinished, so many questions unanswered. She told herself that everyone was doing just fine without her, that they didn’t need her. She had done the right thing. It was better this way.
So why did she feel so horrible?
Why did she feel as though she was wrong, so very wrong? Why wouldn’t these feelings and thoughts stop plaguing her like she thought they would? She had hoped that she would forget everything, start over with a clean slate. But that was impossible, she knew that now. She was dying slowly, killing herself with guilt and sorrow.
I've seen the anger and I've seen all the dreams
And I've watched an existence torn apart at the seams
And though I may seem helpless
I will do all that I can do
Oh I've seen a part of people that I never really want to share
Oh I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there
Oh, how she wanted to go back. To go back and hug her friends, her Watcher, her mother. To find some way to bring her lover back into her arms and never let him go. To live happily ever after.
She sighed, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. She wiped the tears from her face and sniffled in the darkness. She was tired and felt sleep begin to overtake her, cloud her mind with sweet promises of escape. Clouds of colors whirled in her mind, and she stepped closer, expecting. And she was not disappointed, for there he stood, holding his arms out to her invitingly. She jumped in and hugged him to her, allowing the color to engulf them both and allow them to have some happiness in their tired and lonely existences.
And the one who had to be so frighteningly strong, who had to risk her life for humanity, who was so tired and grief-stircken and utterly alone, slept in the arms of her Angel.