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I hear voices as I get ready to meet Willow this evening. I was shocked when I woke up at first. I was covered up and the book I was reading was on the night stand near the bed. I didn't realize that I had put things away last night. Then I notice what's on top of the book, dinner, Angel must have been here. I silently thank him. I realize that he must figure it best if Willow doesn't see me eat and in a way I agree. It would only make her even more uneasy about me. I can't blame her though. I didn't really try to make life all that nice for them. Well, I will find a way to show them I've changed. I'm not sure how, but I have to. It's the only way to keep from getting killed here.
Well, I've changed and ate, so now I guess it's time to see who's here. I head towards the voices, sounds like they are from the library where Angel and I spoke yesterday. I stop just out the door. Thank goodness it's closed. For some reason, I'm afraid to go in there. I know that Willow is here, I can hear her talking with Angel. She sounds relaxed, for now. Once I walk in, I just know that will change. The pleasant conversation will turn into one with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. There's a knock at the front door. It could be Buffy. She did say she she would be running late. I start to back away, but I'm not quick enough. He sees me and escorts me into the room. I see Willow sitting there. She seems pretty calm until she glances up and sees me. The change in her is quick. One second she was so calm, and now, tension city. I take a seat far away from her. I really don't want to scare her. She's already scared enough. Angel leaves to go and answer the door. For a few minutes, it's just us in the room. I look away from her so that she doesn't think that I want her for my next meal. I can tell she's watching me, but I can't look her in the eyes. I'm ashamed of what I put her through, put them all through. I can hear Angel talking to Buffy on his way back. She seems to be in a slightly better mood tonight. As they walk in, I look up. I notice that she is watching me and then grabs my hand. "Dru, you are going to join us. This is about you. With you over here, and away from us, we can't tell if you're paying attention or not. So come on." I follow her over to the seat I used the other night. I have a feeling the only reason that Buffy wants me nearby is so that she can stake me if necessary. I don't say anything about this though.
Willow waits till all of us are seated, then looks right straight at me. "Dru, I didn't find out much. I could find out more if I could tell Giles, but I want your permission for that first. I won't tell him if you don't want me to." I watch her to find out if she is trying to trap me or not. I can't see any deception, just fear.
"Have you found out anything, Willow? Any ideas as to what is going on? Or even a way to where I can help stop you fears that I will attack you? I won't, but I know you still think that I will. I am sorry for what I have done. I know you may never forgive me, but I am sorry."
"Well, I have found a few references to a vampire becoming more mellow as they grow older, but if I'm right, you're not the right age for this. The ones mentioned are generally over 400 to 500 years of age. Plus that would not explain the return of you sanity recently. I have tried to find out about that too, but I have not got much. The only thing I can figure is that something set your mind back in order, but I don't know what. Giles has a little more that he can use for reference, but I can't get to them without him showing me where to look, I have found a soul restoration spell. It would be similar to Angel's curse. You'd remember everyone that you've ever killed, and all the tortures you've done. It's just an idea for something that we can do to help you. I know it doesn't sound like much help, but it would help keep you from killing in the future, if the need becomes to strong to fight. I'm not sure what has been stopping you now, but I imagine you would like to find out just what brought on the changes. I know I would if I were you. These are just options, Dru. You don't have to agree, but I do ask that you at least think about it?"
Willow falls silent then Buffy speaks up. "Dru, when Angel first told me why you were here in town, I wasn't so sure you could fight the urge to feed off of another person. I'm still not in full trust mode here, but I must admit that you have not followed you normal patterns since you got back here. That is something that I know must be hard to do. But Dru, you did something the other day that got me to think. You risked Spike's anger by letting me go. You even told me to warn Angel. But when Angel suggested going back to help you, I was against it. He was quite persistent, so I agreed even though I still thought it was a trap. Then I saw the expression on your face when you seen Angel's game face on, it confused and upset you. I thought that I was seeing things but then the fight broke out. You about lost it when he lost the stake he was trying to use on Spike. You went to help him. I can't force any of this on you, but I will stand by your choice in this matter. I just want to know whether this is a permanent one or if I have to worry about you going back to past habits." Angel doesn't say anything to me for a while, but I can tell that he thinks that this may be a good idea. Buffy and Willow get up to leave and Angel sees them out. When he returns, he sits across from me.
"Dru, I know that Buffy and Willow just dumped two big decisions in your lap. I asked them to allow a few days for you to think things through. I'll let them know once you've made your choice. But Dru, I'll warn you now, it isn't easy having a soul. I have dealt with mine for a while, but you'll just be starting out, and it won't be easy to deal with. So make your choices carefully. And they are right about one thing, Giles would be better able to research this. I'm going to go and check to make sure they got home safe. I'll be back. We can talk later if you want." I nod, then watch as he leaves. I have a lot to think about and some tough choices to make.
I head back to my room and sit down on the bed. I glance at the book I was reading. ' I guess I'll be putting that on hold for a while.' I lean back on the headboard and start weighing my options for each decision. I don't get very far, however, before sleep takes over.
I wake up the next few nights with dinner always on the nightstand. He's been so nice about all of what has happened and he is giving me time to think. I wonder what I should do. The day after Willow's visit, I asked Angel what it was like having a soul. He told me about the memory loss and disorientation at the beginning. Then he told how it felt when everything comes back, all the lives you've taken, the tortures you've dished out, anything bad that you've ever done since the demon took over. He said that it hits hard and that it is not the easiest to deal with. I know that he wouldn't tell me this just to scare me, he just wants me to completely understand what I will go through if I choose to accept this soul restoration spell. He did mention one plus though, at least with the spell, I won't have to worry about losing my soul if I find someone I want to be with. I can see the pain in his eyes as he tells me this. I'm not sure of exactly what the difference between the curse and the spell is, but I think it deals with what he said was a plus for me. I won't push him to tell me, I just hope he will in time. I'm afraid of it, but now that I know what to expect, I will have to find a way to deal. I want my soul back. It's something I feel I have to do, if only for my own peace of mind.
I guess now that I should decide whether or not to allow them to tell Giles. I'm not sure how he'll react to the news that I am seeking help from all of them. He may even decide that I am better off dead. I do know, however, that Angel would try to prevent that. Plus, I know that Giles is naturally curious, much like Willow, that would more than likely overrule his urge to kill me, I hope. Without his help, they've discovered as much as they could. I have to let them tell giles about me. I just hope that once he finds out, he'll want to help. I go to find Angel, and let him know what I've decided.
I find him getting ready to join Buffy for an early patrol. He hasn't seen me. "Angel?" I say softly. He turns and looks at me, then smiles. "You've decided?"
I nod. "I've decided. I want Willow to do that spell, and I want them to tell Giles. I’ll wait here for you return." I turn to leave, but then I hear Angel. "Dru, are you sure this is what you want? Once the spell is cast and Giles is told, there is no turning back. You need to want this for you, not for Buffy, me or anyone else. Can you truly say that this is the case? I need to know."
I consider his words for a moment, then turn to face him again. "Angel, I am scared, that is no lie. I have considered everything carefully though. Yes, this is something that I want for me. I need to do this."
"Then I will tell them that you are ready. I will let them know that you have agreed to both the spell and to telling Giles. I'll be back later, so just relax, and try to stay calm. You'll need it for the spell to be done. I leave his room and return to mine. I wait till I hear him leave before I lay down again.
I wait on his return trying to stay awake, but the silence soon allows sleep to take over. I wake to the sound of Angel's voice. He's back from patrol and wants me to join him in the library. I walk slowly into the library. I notice that there has been an area cleared and candles set in a circle. Buffy and Willow both look up and away from a book as I enter. Angel walks over to me. "Are you ready for this?" I nod. He takes my hand and guides me to the middle of the circle. Buffy and Willow light the candles once I'm in the center of it. Angel helps me down to a kneeling position, so that I don't catch my dress on fire. He leaves the circle afterwards. I watch as Angel and Buffy kneel in front of the circle. Willow walks over with the book, and sits off to my right.
"Now Dru," Willow starts, "this is a spell that will give you your soul back. It's also a binding one, which means that it can't be stolen. You may experience some disorientation and a time in which you are tired afterwards. These are normal and nothing to worry about. Angel has agreed to allow Buffy and I to stay here till tomorrow evening, just to make sure that everything goes well with this spell. All that I need you to do is remain calm and not allow any fear into your mind. I know that won't be easy, but it is necessary. When you are ready, just nod and I'll begin."
Remain calm? That's easier said than done. I told Angel that I was afraid to do this. I wonder if he told than the same thing. I watch Angel and Buffy looking into their eyes. I can see the calm and fearlessness which is in them. There is no tension in their eyes. I glance at Willow, she doesn't look away from me. She seems relaxed. I wonder if it's just because of the spell. I look back at Buffy and Angel. I have to do this. I agreed to it. ' No more fears,' I think to myself. As my eyes meet Angel's again, I feel all of my fears start leaving. And after a few minutes, I nod that I am ready to begin.
Willow starts the chant out of the book she brought with her. I keep my eyes focused on Angel. He knows what I am going through and this keeps me calm. I feel a warmth that is very soothing enter in. It is very calming. I look away from Angel. I can barely hear Willow now, I find that memories and feelings are eluding me. The music that I haven't heard in almost a week and a half is back now. It is so loud. The tune is normal again. I try to push it away but I can't. It is trying to stop me from wanting this, but I won't let it. I fight it and after a while the music starts dying. As it dies, I can feel someone holding me. I can also hear voices, but I can't put them with names. What is happening to me? I'm not sure of what to do, so I just let the strong arms hold me for a while.
After a while, everything becomes clear and I remember everything that I've ever done. I know that Angel is the one holding me. I hear Buffy and Willow talking. I don't say anything, but I can feel the tears start to fall as I remember all the tortures I've dished out since I was changed. I remember everyone I've ever killed or hurt, faces that I had forgotten. I'm lost in my memories, but I'm also listening to the conversation around me.
" Angel, do you think it worked? This is my first attempt at a spell like this one. I'm not really sure what was supposed to happen. It wasn't the same as when I did the curse for you. It was much stronger. I wasn't expecting her to try to run, and I don't know if that was part of what happens with this spell or not."
"I’m not sure, Willow. Dru seemed quite confused near the end, so I think it did. There is no way to know for certain till later on tomorrow. I was afraid she she was going to run out the door, that's why I grabbed her. It wouldn't have been good if she left the circle."
" Angel, I think it did. I mean after all the candles went out, and her eyes did that same odd glow thing that yours did when Willow returned yours. She seems calmer now, too. Angel? Are tears normal after your soul is restored?"
" Yes, I cried after my soul was restored both times. It happens once every evil thing you ever done comes to mind. Why Buffy?"
" Because Dru is crying now. I definitely think things worked out. Angel why don't you go ahead and take her to her room. I don't think she could make it there alone right now. Willow and I will use the spare room near Dru's. It is nearly sunrise, so you should get some rest too. Tomorrow we'll find out how well this worked. Night Angel. Come on Will, let's get you somewhere to get some rest. Night Dru, just try to rest now.
" Ok, Buffy. Night Angel. Night Dru."
I hear Buffy help Willow down to the room, as Angel gently picks me up and carries me to mine. He lays me down on my bed and the wipes my tears away. " Are you ok, Dru? Can you remember everything?" I nod. "What happened Angel?"
"You started to get up and run near the end. You said that the music was back and that it had to go away. I couldn't let you leave the circle, that's why I grabbed you and held on. I will help you to deal with the changes. I can tell the spell worked. Your tears told me that. I won't lie to you and tell you that this is going to be easy on you. If anything, it'll become harder now. Spike is still around Dru. I met some of his new minions while on patrol tonight. Once he sees you, he'll notice the change, so I don't want you leaving the mansion alone. Tomorrow evening, we are all going to the library to talk to Giles. Buffy, Willow, and I think it would be best if you join us. The girls also want you to join us for dinner. I think you should as well. Now get some rest, I know you'll need it. I'll be nearby if you need me. Buffy and Willow are in the next room also. Night Dru." He kisses my forehead then leaves the room.
I lay there for a while and then fall asleep. I have dreams that show all of the bad things I've ever done. They vary from the very first kill I made after my change, to what I did in Prague that got the mob after me. = I dream of standing by while Spike killed his two slayers, and of the tortures that I did to them before he killed them. Then come the horrors of what I did to the slayer and her friends in Sunnydale. I wake up and curl up on my side. I am crying softly, with the dreams still fresh in my mind.
The Order of Taraka, the Judge, Acathla, I remember each one as if it were only yesterday. I sent the Order of Taraka after Buffy, to keep her busy while Spike captured Angel to restore me. I assembled the Judge to kill all of the humanity in Sunnydale. I killed a slayer, Kendra. I sliced her throat after I hypnotized her. I allowed Angel to turn Acathla loose to draw the world into hell. I've done all of this. Oh I've really messed up. Why would they ever want to help me? Now I have to face Giles this evening. The same Giles I kissed when I made him see me as Jenny to get the secret to open the gate to hell through Acathla. I helped to torture him. I can't go to see him, not till he knows everything. He'll kill me. I feel new tears start to fall as new guilt and new memories surface. I understand what Angel meant now. These memories and feelings that come with them are very difficult to deal with. I can't even see myself wanting to feed off of another human now. I lay awake thinking things through for hours till I hear everyone starting to stir in the other rooms. I change and go to join everyone in the front room. The girls are seated on the couch, and Angel is on the phone. I wait in the hallway, not sure if I should join them or not. Buffy sees me and smiles as she motions for me to join them. Angel turns, " supper will be here in about a half hour and we meet Giles in an hour at the library. Hi, Dru. How do you feel?"
"Yeah, did the spell work? You seem to be a little calmer that you were yesterday. What happened near the end? You had control until I started the last few lines of the spell. Then you mentioned some sort of music being to loud. Have you always heard music when there isn't any? I never would have suggested this if I knew it would have caused you such pain. I'm sorry."
"Willow, thanks for restoring my soul. The spell did work. I'm not really sure I remember everything that happened exactly, but I do remember the music. I had been hearing music off and on for the last few months. Before then, it was my constant companion. When it started changing and dying, so did my need to kill. When you were doing that spell, it really tried to take over. I tried to fight it, but I didn't have much luck. It was too loud. I don't remember much else till after the music died. When that happened, I could hear voices, but couldn't remember names. I knew that someone was hanging onto me, but I didn't know why. Once the confusion cleared and things became clearer, I knew. I remembered everything I did, all the pain I had caused. I admit I wasn't ready for the amount of guilt and shame that came with the memories, but I wouldn't change wanting you to do the spell for anything. It was worth it, and the pain and fear were worth it. I can't even see myself ever wanting trying to hurt you or anyone else now. I’m not sure how your friend Giles will feel about my being there tonight, but I won't hurt him." I can see that Willow and Buffy have relaxed a little. It's not much, but it is a start.
The pizza guy arrives, and Buffy goes to pay for the food. She returns, and the girls enjoy their supper, while Angel and I have a different form of supper. As everyone finishes, we get ready to head to the library. We're running a little late, so Angel calls Giles to let him know that we are on our way. "Ok I've let Giles know, now I think that it is time to go. Dru, stick close. I don't know if Spike is out hunting or not, but I don't want to take any chances of you running into him yet. At least not till you've had some time to adjust to having a soul." I agree and leave with everyone.
I'm afraid to face Giles, but the idea of running into Spike scares me more.
Spike wouldn't hesitate to kill me now, but Giles might, considering that
Buffy, Willow, and Angel are the ones taking me there. I just hope that this
goes as smoothly as the spell did yesterday. There is silence as we walk to
the library to see Giles.