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Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They belong to 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy. I am using them without permission, however I am not making any money off them so please do not sue me. Full of Grace belongs to Sarah McLachlan, I don’t own it either
Author's Notes: I was watching my Graduation Day Pt2 tape and wondered what if Angel had died in the fire? This deals with that. It’s complete angst. Angel dies, it’s kind of obvious. If you like angst this is for you, if not turn back. There’s no happy ending, just angst. Sorry. I felt angsty. Enjoy.
Feedback: Yes, please! I love it, and I always love to hear what people think.
Xander and Buffy walked past the ambulance and looked around at the debris.
“We got off pretty cheep considering.” Xander commented.
“Seems like we did.” Buffy sounded hesitant, as she stopped and looked around.
Xander flinched, he hated to have to do this. He really didn’t want to be the one to have to tell her that Angel was dead.
“Buffy, he didn’t make it.” Xander said softly.
Her eyes went wide, and she put her hands to her mouth. “No.” She said numbly.
“I’m sorry.” Xander said uselessly. “It was right after the fire, one of the girls was trapped. He helped her out, but there wasn’t time for him to save himself. He told me to tell you he loved you.”
Buffy started to cry.
Xander put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her consolingly. “I know it’s hard on you, at least you have the knowledge he died a hero.”
“Are you sure?” She asked with one little bit of hope left in her voice.
Xander hesitated, he knew that this would kill her.
“Yes.” He said after a moment, hating the way her eyes lost the last of their spirit. It was as if she was the one had died.
“Xander, I need to be alone. Tell the others.” Buffy said as she turned to go.
He watched her go with sympathy, poor girl. He might not have liked Angel, but he still didn’t want him to die.
He may have done some horrible things to them, but Xander knew deep down that Angel had been good guy. It wasn’t fair, neither Buffy or Angel deserved this.
Xander just hoped that Buffy could survive without Angel, or the world would have lost them both.
She wandered for a while, unsure what to do, where to go. Finally, she found herself in front of the mansion.
She opened the door and went in. She went in to Angel’s bedroom and lay down on the bed.
She began to sob. It wasn't fair, how could it have happened? She cried herself to sleep in his bed, her only comfort being this smell still left on the sheets.
She could pretend he was with her now, when he never would be again.
“Angel.” She whispered sadly, as she drifted off to sleep.
Her mind still reeling from the loss of her beloved. She had always known they couldn’t have a happy ending, but she never imagined it would be like this. That she would lose him forever.
She was prepared for him to go, but not for him to die. If he had just left there was a chance he’d come back, but now there was no chance.
He was never coming back.
She had lost him forever.
A couple hours later Buffy got up and walked to the window. She opened it and saw the still dark sky.
She remembered the last time it had been dark during the day. Christmas. She blinked back tears as she remembered her reunion with Angel that day.
She couldn’t do it, she couldn't live without him. She didn’t know how she was supposed to.
She looked over at his dresser and saw something glistening on it. His ring.
She held it in her hands and remembered the day Angel had given her hers.
“I have something for you. For your birthday. I... I was gonna give it to you earlier, but...” He had said in a hesitant voice. Then he had shown her the ring.
Buffy smiled through her tears as she remembered her own response.
“It's beautiful.” She had said softly, gazing up at Angel.
“My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claudagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this.”
Angel had told her softly, then he had shown her his own ring on his finger. She had touched his hand, then leaned over and kissed the ring.
“Put it on.” Angel had urged her softly, then he had taken the ring from her and slipped it on her finger.
Buffy remembered with tears, once more raising the ring to her lips.
She wondered why things had gotten so bad for them, why it had ended the way it did. With them forever separated.
“I love you.” She whispered to the empty room, as if somewhere he could hear her.
She closed her eyes, wondering if she’d ever really be happy. She was once, but happiness was taken from them.
Now, it had been taken away permanently. She started to sob again as she stared out the window remembering all the times she had shared with Angel.
Why had it ended like this?
The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
-Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan