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Disclaimer: Not mine.
Author's Notes: spoilers for Enemies and back.
It’s all about revenge, pure and simple. Sure Wesley’s cute, but come on he’s SO not my type. It’s about the look on Xander’s face, it’s killing him to watch me gush all over Wesley. Good he should die for what he did to me, I loved him and he betrayed that love. It was so easy for him to get over me, first by sucking face with Willow, then sleeping that whore Faith. Yeah, Buffy told me about that.
Wasn’t I good enough for him? Didn’t he know how much I loved him? I want to believe that he didn’t know, that if he had he would never have cheated on me. But I’m not so sure, he obviously didn’t know me very well. If he did he would realise that even the old me wasn’t as much of a simpering moron as I pretend to be.
I do feel bad, Wesley’s a nice guy and I’m just using him. I know I shouldn’t, I do have morals, but it’s just so easy. Besides it makes me feel a little bit better knowing that I’m hurting Xander, knowing that he did have some feelings for me. But it’s not enough, nothing will ever be enough to make up for how betrayed I was.
The only thing left that I have left to cling to is that it all couldn’t have been an act. He must have really cared for me at one point, and then Willow stole him from me. Why? She had Oz, wasn’t he enough? She had to have Xander. And why did it have to take him THIRTEEN years to notice her? Why did he have to wait until I was in love with him?
My questions are never going to be answered, at least not for a long time. I couldn’t handle talking to Xander, I know I’d tell him how I really feel. Maybe I will one day, when I’ve had time to sort out my feelings. Maybe even one day I’ll be able to forgive him. I hope so, and maybe then this ache will go away. That would be nice, until then I don’t know what I’ll do. All I know is that I’m broken inside and nothings ever going to fix me. It’s ironic the person who made me a better person is the very person who destroyed me.
I just wish I could feel whole again, that I could erase this whole mess. Only then would my wound begin to heal.