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Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They belong to 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy. I am using them without permission, however I am not making any money off them so please do not sue me.
Author's Notes: Okay, I was reading spoilers and I couldn’t help but write this. I needed to do a fic where she doesn't hook up with Riley. Don’t get me wrong, I actually liked him. But he’s no Angel. Not even close. Anyway this is my way of dealing with things and it’s fairly angsty. Enjoy. Oh, and it’s from Buffy’s POV.
Feedback: Please, I want to know what people think of my stories. But could you please keep criticism constructive not cruel? Tell me that I made a few spelling errors, or that I need to improve this or that. Don’t tell me that my stories suck and that I’m dumb. All that does is hurt my feelings.
Riley leaned down and kissed me gently, just like in my dream. It was nice, but nothing special. It was nothing compared to his kisses, especially that last one.
I pulled away slightly and smiled at Riley, not wanting him to know what was really going on inside my head.
I was thinking about Angel and that last kiss we had shared. I could still feel the gentleness of it, and the urgency of the kisses that had come earlier that night.
I was still for a second as I thought about that night.
Angel and I were alone in his apartment, probably not wise but we didn't think it was a big deal. It’s not like we had never been alone after my birthday, we had even shared a bed.
But this was different.
I don’t know why or how it happened, but suddenly Angel and I were in each other’s arms. His mouth was forcing mine open, demanding me to surrender to him. I did, it’s what I wanted more than anything else.
After a moment I could feel his cool hands on my back, his mouth on my throat, and the subtle pressure of his body as he pressed me up against the wall.
I half-remembered another time like this. The day before my birthday, I pushed it out of my mind and concentrated on the now.
Angel’s mouth claimed mine again and I started fumbling with the buttons of his shirt.
Suddenly, just as he was about to undo my jeans, he pulled away.
“Buffy, we can’t.” He whispered hoarsely.
I looked around us and I realised he was right, for a moment there I had lost control. We both had.
“I wanted you so much.” I whispered.
“I know.” He said, not looking at me.
I couldn’t blame him, all I could do was stare at the floor. I decided to go home, I couldn’t stay in L.A.
“Angel, I’m going.” I said softly, straightening.
“Yeah.” He said, watching me like he had never seen me before. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him so that we were facing each other.
“Buffy, I love you.” He said suddenly.
“I always will. I have since the moment I first saw you, and that will never change. But our relationship has to. This can’t go on, not when we both know that if we ever see each other again we won’t be able to resist temptation, I wanted you, still want you, so much that for a moment I was willing to forget everything just to hold you in my arms one more time.”
I looked up at him softly.
“I know.” I said, staring deep into his eyes. “Don’t you know that’s what I wanted? Angel, I still want you so badly. I slept with Parker trying to convince myself that I've moved on, but I haven't. What we were doing a few minutes ago was so much better than what I shared with Parker.”
I looked at him closely. “Want to know why? I love you, I didn't love Parker. I had physical pleasure from having sex with him. But just kissing you gave me even more pleasure. Angel, if we had given in and made love again it would have been amazing. Because it would be you and me. That's all that matters.” I swore softly, meaning every word.
“I know, but Buffy.....please? This can’t go on and you know it.”
“I know.” I said sadly, not wanting to lose Angel again. “So this is goodbye.” I said, blinking away tears.
“Yes.” Angel said, then he gently cupped my face in his hands.
“Buffy, no matter what else happens remember I love you. Always and forever, nothing will ever change that.” he swore softly.
“I’ll always be your girl, but I’ll try to date other guys. Even if I really like one, maybe even learn to love, it won’t change my love for you. You'll still be Angel, my darling Angel who I have always loved and always will.” I told him gently, remembering the other times I’ve told him I loved him.
The night he told me about Drusilla.
That was the first time and it was painful and it hurt like Hell. I didn't want to love him then.
The night after my birthday.
That hurt too, I sure as Hell didn’t want to love him then.
Before I sent him to Hell.
Once again I didn’t want to love him and it was killing me.
Christmas.
Yep, it hurt and I didn’t want to. I would have given anything to not love him anymore then, but it didn’t happen.
The night the Hellmouth opened again.
It hurt, but I wanted to love him. It hurt only because I didn't want to lose him, I didn’t know how to cope if I lost him. I couldn't lose him.
The last time I told him I loved him was the night he broke up with me.
Oh, that hurt more than the others. It was killing me to love him, especially when it seemed like he didn’t even want me.
And now this, it was hurting me and I didn’t want to. Is this some kind of pattern? I wondered bitterly.
Every time I told Angel I loved him I didn’t want to. Right then it seemed that loving him ony caused me pain, for it had done a lot of them.
Just then he leaned down and gently kissed him. There was no chance of this kiss getting out of control for it lacked the passion of the other.
But it was still an amazing kiss. It had an air of finality to it and when we pulled apart we both knew it would be out last.
“Goodbye Angel.” I murmured before going to the door.
“Goodbye.” He whispered just before I left.
I turned for a second and watched him, then I exited his apartment. It was over.
“Riley, I need some time. I’m just getting over a difficult breakup.” I told him softly, that kiss with Angel still on my mind.
“I understand.” He said and then looked at me with a small smile. “Friends?”
“Friends.” I confirmed with a matching smile.
I was glad that I had Riley as a friend, but I just wished I could have Angel as more. Why did it have to be like this, why were we destined to be apart?