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Disclaimer: Not mine, the characters of Buffy belong to Joss Whedon, Thee WB, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox. The song Charge belongs to Splendid, I think.
Author's Notes: This takes place after my story Frozen, during I Only Have Eyes for you.
Feedback: Yes please. Please tell me if I should do more of this type of thing. If you think I should do more of this kind of stuff tell me what scenes and which characters, please?
I was at The Bronze. Willow had made me go, she wanted me to move on. Splendid was the band playing. They were on stage performing "Charge". Which is a cool song. I was standing on the balcony absently watching all the happy people.
Lyrics:The way you love / Have you got a name for it / Cause I don't understand it
Cordelia and Xander were dancing close with their arms around each other and smiling. I really envy them sometimes, they’re really happy together. I on the other hand am barely holding it together.
Lyrics: The language is an annoying necessity / And I depend on all the regular things
Willow was looking around for me. She turned around, looked up and spotted me, she didn’t come up though.
Lyrics: Got a list tattooed on my memory / Of how our tryst should unfold
A boy approached me.
Lyrics: I'm falling from the opposite
Ben: “Hey.”
I turned to him, a little surprised.
Lyrics: What do you see
Ben: “I'm Ben. We had Algebra II together last year.”
Lyrics: Fight the man with no key attached
Me: “Sorry, I pretty much repress anything math related.” *Actually last year I only had eyes for Angel, and now. I’m not ready, though you seem nice enough. Sorry.* That’s what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t.
Lyrics: My heart's enlarged, and I charge / What do you say
Ben: “Ms. Jackson? Second period? You sat in the seat three over and one behind.”
Lyrics: What do you dream / I don't know why
Buffy: “Oh! Yeah, I remember now, it's the one with the desks and the chalkboards and pencils and stuff, right?”
Ben: “That's the one.” He chuckled. It reminded me of Angel, but now a days everything does. Pathetic I know, but I can’t help it.
Me: I smiles and pointed at my head. “Like a steel trap.”
Lyrics: 'Cause I don't know if I can stand it
Ben: “So, I was wondering, you know the dance tomorrow night? Are you going?” *No, of course not. That would involve me possibly having fun, I’m not ready for that yet.*
Me: “You mean the Sadie Hawkins thing? The deal where the girls ask the boys?”
Ben: “Yeah.”
Lyrics: Forever in songs you make love to me
Ben: “And I thought maybe, you know, if you're free, you might ask me.”
Lyrics: I rely on familiar things
Me: “Oh, gosh... I...” He was cute and nice, but.....he wasn’t Angel.
Ben: He held up his hand. “Oh, oh, hey, hey, no, don't, don't worry about it...”
Me: “No, no, you seem like a really great guy, it's...” *The fact that I’m still in love with my psycho ex.*
Lyrics: Sometimes I'll have special meanings
Me: “...me. I-I'm not seeing anybody.”
Lyrics: But you just call it a waste
Me: “Ever again, actually.” *I got hurt too badly. Besides I’ll go to my grave loving Angel, he’s a part of me.*
Ben: “Oh. That's, that's too bad.”
Lyrics: I'm falling from the opposite / What do you see
Ben: “Okay, well, I better...” He indicated away and went.
Lyrics: Fight the man with no key attached
Me: “Sorry.” I whispered it to myself, I wondered if I was ever going to move on.
Lyrics: My heart's enlarged, and I charge
I watched him go for a moment, glanced sadly down at the band and then headed for the stairs.
Lyrics: I'm falling from the opposite / What do you see / Fight the man with no key attached / My heart's enlarged, and I charge
I reached the bottom of the stairs and Willow met me.
Willow: “Hey! You're bailing?” She really tried to make me have fun, it just wasn’t possible.
Me: “Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the library and see if Giles wants me to patrol, and then sack it.” *And then go home and cry my eyes out.*
Willow: “You've been doing that a lot. Patrolling and sacking.v In fact, you've kind of been 'all work and no play Buffy'.”
Me: “I play. I have BIG fun. I came here tonight, didn't I?”
Willow: “You came, you saw, you rejected.” She was right, but it was just so..hard.
Me: “You mean that guy? Just not in date mode right now.” *Or ever.*
Willow: “Well, maybe you need to date to get in date mode.”
Me: I don't think I'm ready for that, Will.
Willow: “You're thinking too much. Maybe you need to be impulsive.” I stared a her in shock, didn’t she remember what happened last time?
Me: “Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.” I know I sounded bitter, but I am, I love Angel so much and I’ll never get him back.
Willow: “Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyway, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!” I wanted to hit her, I’m so envious. I know it's not HER fault that she has a wonderful boyfriend, and I have an obsessive ex.
I shook my head muttered “sorry Will” and left The Bronze. I just wasn’t in social mood, I was in mope mood. I just wonder if it’s ever going to get better.
Will I ever be able to look at him and not feel something? Will I ever stop feeling guilty? I think I might just let Angel win, it would stop the ache.