|
|
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
Angel sat in his office. His head in his hands. "Angel?" Cordelia asked, knocking on the door.
He looked up at her. "What?"
That was just Willow on the phone. "She thinks you should go to Sunnydale?"
"Why?" Angel asked, looking up, "What's happening?"
"Nothing demonic. Just … well, it sounds like Buffy's going through a rough spot. Willow thinks you should go talk to Buffy."
"She has a boyfriend for that," Angel said.
"The trouble's with the boyfriend," Cordelia said.
Angel looked up. "Did he hurt her?" Angel asked.
"No!" Cordelia said, brushing it off as impossible, "Willow said they just had an argument or something. She's acting weird though, thought you might be able to understand her."
"Why would she want to see me?"
"Um duh, because she loves you."
"She doesn't love me. She has a boyfriend."
"So!! She does love you, though Lord knows why."
"No, she doesn't," Angel said, ending the conversation and leaving the room.
But under the skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
Buffy woke with a start as something creaked in the wind. She looked around her and tears came to her eyes as she realized where she had slept all day. She slowly rose to her feet and looked around the empty apartment. Ghosts of memories seemed to flit about the corners, but he wasn't there.
She needed to see him, or something of him. She walked out and started walking resolutely. She ended up at the mansion. She looked around the bare place with only a few curtains left to show he had ever been there. She looked around, with tears flowing down her cheeks.
She walked out to the back lawn. She remembered a scene here vividly, though then it was pre-dawn instead of deep night. She watched as the figures of her memories raged against each other. She could here them yelling at each other. She could hear herself telling him he had to fight, that he couldn't give up. But he had. She had won that day, but he had given up on them, and walked away.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
She had a boyfriend, why did she need him. How could they ask him to go see her? To see her with someone else? No. All she needed was for him to stay out of her life.
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
"Why?" she thought, "Why did he have to be so wonderful? Why do I have to love him?" It was never easy. They had fought and loved with intensity, but he had helped her to become comfortable with being the slayer. With him, she was normal, or at least had company in her weirdness.
"He kept pushing me away," Buffy thought, "ever since the beginning. He's always pushed me away. Was it just that I couldn't get it? Maybe I do need the pain. Maybe I always have, but it wasn't just pain. It was the love! Wasn't it? Now I can only have pain. Or Riley, which is love, but empty. I don't want either."
Buffy looked out over the city, revolted with her own thoughts and aching with the pain in her heart. She wanted Angel, and her heart would accept no substitute, without him there was only a hole where her heart and soul had once been. She sat down at the edge of the bluff. She could see everyone down below her, the twinkling stars of the little town. They all had their own problems, she had said it herself. They were too busy to worry about hers. They couldn't help her and it would be so easy to step over the bluff to end it, but they had problems. They had demons, and she would take care of them. Someone had to. They couldn't take care of each other yet. She had a duty and a place. They would miss her, even if they didn't know it.
Besides, her heart couldn't help but hope that he would come back and say the words she wanted to hear.
The sweet lights, weren't helping, though. She knew he wasn't coming back and the weight fell heavy upon her heart. It was her fault, and she had to live with it. He wasn't coming back. And she couldn't make him. But she would keep fighting, she had to. They had fought here, together once and suceeded. Sunnydale had seen snow. It would take another miracle for him to come back to her now. So she cried for all the pain. She cried for everyone down there, and for the ache in her heart.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
The realization hit him as the pain in his heart constricted and released for a moment. Buffy. Part of what he had been feeling during the day was her. He could feel her pain, as he had been able to in Sunnydale when she had been injured. Now there was just an ache, and the feeling that she was hurt and needed him. She had been in trouble all day, and he hadn't …
He ran for the elevator only to find Cordelia there to meet him.
"Buffy's missing," she said.
"What?"
"She dissappeared last night. She never went home and no one's seen her all day." Angel didn't wait to hear another word, he just jumped in his car and started for Sunnydale.
"She's dying," he thought, as he sped away. "That's the only way I could feel it from all this way. She's dying and I wasn't there and to stop it, to protect her from whatever it was. She's in pain somewhere, has been bleeding and dying all day ... And it's my fault." He could imagine countless things attacking her. He could see her lying in the forest, or some back alley with her blood spilling from her body.
She was dying, her boyfriend hadn't been able to protect her. Maybe he was even dying. Maybe that's why he could feel her, not because she was dying, but because she was in pain captured by some gang of demons and she was morning her new love's death.
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
He slowly walked up the hill. He could see her sitting on the edge of the hill. He slowly walked up behind her. She didn't see him. She was sobbing into her hands. He sat down next to her and put his arms around her shaking form.
She jerked and made a move to stand up, but he held her. "It's just me," he said.
His voice and face registered and she stopped struggling and wrapped her arms around him crying into his shoulder. "I can't do this," she sobbed.
"Of course you can."
"No. I tried, with Riley, but it didn't work."
"One boyfriend isn't worth doing this," he said, holding her close.
"Doing what?" she asked, looking up into her face.
He gestured toward the cliff not far away. "That," he said, "Dying. Nothing's worth that."
She looked at the cliff, and her eyes widened as she understood his meaning. She slapped him and broke out of his arms, storming off towards the mansion. She got only a few steps before she turned around to look at him again, fire in her eyes.
"I can't believe you! You think that just because I'm up here I'm suicidal! I come up here for strenth. I remember what fighting is like. I come here to remember that miracles can happen. I come to remember to how to live life, not end it!" she screamed at him. "I have always fought! I've always fought for us! You're the quitter. Don't pin it on me."
She started to storm off, but Angel caught up to her quickly and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. "It doesn't work," he growled. "I tried this too remember! You walked away a time or two if I remember."
"Not to quit! Not for forever!"
"Yes."
"No! I kept fighting. I kept going. You ended it. You wanted this! I always loved you."
"I didn't want this. All I want is to be with."
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
"Then why don't you? Why don't you fight?"
"Because it won't work."
"We could have made it work."
"No, you know we can't."
"Yes! We can! It never failed. It could work. You just won't let it."
"Buffy-"
"Don't you dare Buffy me. You don't have the right! You don't love me-"
"I do love you!"
"Liar! Quitter! You don't! Not truly! You quit. You only love me if it's easy."
"That's not true. I have always loved you."
"No! You don't love me enough. You won't fight. That's not real."
"Why won't you believe me?! I have always loved you! It kills me and I love you."
"Then fight!" she screamed. "You don't love by quitting. You love by fighting. Love me."
She started crying again and he gingerly wrapped his arms around her. How could this have happened. They were so strong. Together they had been able to defeat anything. The three, the Master, the Annointed One, Spike, Dru, the Tarakans, even the Mohra demon. Together they had been strong. "Together you are strong." Why did that sound familiar?
"Maybe…"
Buffy looked up. She could here it in his voice, something she hadn't heard in a long time. "Please Angel." He hadn't realized he had said it aloud. He looked down at her hopeful tear streaked face.
Maybe they would be better together. He smiled at her. " … we could be together." She laughed and looked up at him with those brilliant eyes. He was smiling at her, smiling to tease and to love her. He leaned down to kiss her. She met him happily, and hugged him to her. He did the same as a bright light enveloped the kissing lovers, almost seeming to eminate from them.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
"I knew you would get it," the female oracle said. Angel and Buffy looked up, startled out of there kiss.
"Finally," the male oracle muttered.
"Who are you?" Buffy asked.
"The oracles," Angel answered. "What are you talking about?" he asked them.
"The test" the female oracle said.
"What test?" Buffy asked.
"You will not remember, but the Mohra demon was a test. There were forces at work that believed you deserved happiness, while many doubted Angel's sincerity. The Mohra demon was the test that would determine your worthiness," the male oracle said.
"They meant for the Mohra demon to turn Angel human and the Mohra demon to escape. The Mohra demon would deliver it's message that together you are strong. If you could continue to work together and let neither of your prides get in the way, you would pass the test."
"What went wrong?" Buffy asked.
"I fought the Mohra demon alone, and then asked them to turn back time, because I couldn't protect you as a human," Angel said.
"You … you were human?" Angel nodded. "And you gave it up, because you didn't think you could protect me." He nodded again and Buffy started crying.
"But you have passed now," the female oracle said.
Buffy looked up at them.
"He came for you and you agreed to be together. He had received the messege, so the test still holds valid. Fighting your own fears, is a greater challenge, than any demon they could send so they are holding to the agreement."
"You passed," the male oracle said driely.
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
"You shall both share your powers. Angel shall become human and he shall share his immortality with you."
"What does that mean?" Buffy asked.
"He is no longer a vampire. It is hard to say how long you will live, because immortality is so hard to divide evenly, but you shall age more slowly. Strength, you must learn to share yourselves," the male oracle replied.
"Make the best of this gift," the female oracle said with a smile.
There was a flash of light and they were back on the hill, near the mansion. Buffy smiled as she felt Angel's heart beating. The moonlight light lit her face, as Angel gazed down at her.
And I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
Or I used to, they thought. But now they knew better. Angel picked her up and spun her around.
And I don't know why
Why
It was like a fairytale come true … yet, why had everything happened the way it did? The pain? The heartache? Why had he done it? I thought everything was doomed. But now … I didn't know I could be this happy. And yet still slightly mad at him … he had been human and thrown it away … he will pay though. Buffy laughed out loud as she looked into his eyes, which looked suddenly fearful. The future looked so bright and his eyes were so loving, in all his moods. What had she done to deserve something this wonderful?
And I don't know
She looked so beautiful. Her eyes sparkled at him as he carried her down the hill to his car. He didn't know what he had done to deserve her, but from the look in her eye, he'd be in trouble if he thought about it too hard. A laugh swelled in his chest, and she laughed with him. Maybe he didn't deserve her, but he would count his blessings everyday that he had her. He had no idea where they were going, but he didn't care as long as he was with her.
They had each other now. And that was everything either of them had ever wanted.