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Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They belong to 20th Century Fox, Joss whedon, and Mutant Enemy. I am using them without permission, however I am not making any money off this so please do not sue me. The Hardest Thing belongs to 98 Degrees. I'm not claiming to own anything, so please don't sue me.
Author's Notes: This is my first ever Willow/Xander piece. I'm a Xander/Cordelia, Willow/Oz fan. However I got this idea while listening to this song on the radio, and I decided to write it down. Please tell me how I did, I love feedback. Oh, and this takes place about 15-20 years after Beauty and The Beasts, the rest of the third season, meaning the fluke, never happened. Oh, Angel did leave though.
We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us tryin' to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
Willow heard the tap on her window and wondered who it could be.
She looked and saw Xander, her entire face lit up.
She opened the window. "Xander." She whispered happily, he came inside and took her hand.
He looked at her sadly. "Willow, this is the last time."
Willow's heart broke again, like it had twice before. "Why?" She asked tears streaming down her face.
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that
Xander smiled sadly. "Willow, I can't do this to Cordelia. She loves me, and I owe her so much. She's a good wife, and a good mother, and though I'll never feel for her what I do for you, I have to end this."
Willow looked at him pleadingly. "What about me?"
"Willow, you don't deserve this either. I'm sorry." Xander said taking her face in his hands, he bent down and kissed her slowly.
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
Willow kissed him back, not wanting it to end.
Gently, Xander pulled away. "I'm sorry Will." He said, gently pulling her hair away from her eyes. "I'm so sorry that things have to be this way."
Willow nodded crying freely. "So am I, I love you."
"I love you too, but I'm not free to love you. I'm married, I have children, I belong to Cordelia."
"Why couldn't you have noticed me before you married her?" Willow asked bitterly.
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
"I did, I realised I loved you the day Oz was killed, you were so beautiful , so vulnerable. I want to run to you and hold you, but I couldn't."
"Why not?" Willow demanded.
"Cordelia. She was pregnant Will."
Willow looked confused. "But Chase wasn't born until two years after Oz died."
"She had a miscarriage before we could tell anyone. I couldn't leave her after the miscarriage, I knew she needed me, then her father died, and then she was pregnant with Chase."
"That's why you married her." Willow said, half hoping.
"No." Xander said shaking her head. "I married her because I cared about her, because I wanted to love her, because I thought if I married her I would get you out of my mind."
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
Cause there can be no happy ending
"It didn't work." Willow said slowly, Xander shook his head slowly.
"No. Willow this can never be, we both know that."
"What if Cordelia wasn't in the picture?" Willow asked quietly, Xander thought about it for a second.
"I don't know, I really don't. But she is in the picture, and she's the one I married. I have to go, I shouldn't be here."
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
Willow reached out and grabbed his hand, she held on to for a long minute. Then she let go, and watched him move to the window.
"Xander." She called as he turned to leave.
"Yeah?"
"This is so hard. Will it ever get easy?"
"I don't know, I don't think so. Look at Buffy, years after Angel left her she still missed him like Hell. His name was on her lips when she died."
"And yours will be mine. We're like Buffy and Angel, our love is forbidden."
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
"Yes, but their's was forbidden by fate. Ours by circumstance, but we're just like them in one way." He said quietly, looking deep into her eyes.
"How?" Willow asked, not able to tear her eyes away from his.
"We're never going to get a happy ending." He said simply, she nodded knowing how true that was.
Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that
"Goodbye Xander." She said, her heart breaking as she said the words.
Xander looked at her sadly. "Goodbye Willow, my Willow."
With that he disappeared out the window, Willow watched him go, before falling on the bed sobbing.
She hugged her pillow close and wished it could be different. "Goodbye my love." She whispered to the empty room, thinking about the man she loved.
The man who was another woman's husband. If only things could have been different, but they weren't, Xander didn't belong to her.
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
Xander crept silently into his bedroom, and crawled into bed beside his wife.
She snuggled closer, and opened her eyes. "Where did you go?" She asked sleepily.
"Went for a walk, needed to think."
Cordelia nodded sympathetically. "It's still hard isn't it, even after all these years?"
Xander was confused for a moment before he remembered it was the 10th anniversary of Buffy's death. "Yeah, I miss her a lot." He said quietly, Cordelia nodded sadly.
"Me too."
She leaned up and kissed her husband. "I love you." She said softly, Xander kissed her back, and then murmured.
"I love you too."
She fell back asleep content, and he watched her. He had done the right thing, no matter how much it hurt.
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you