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Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel belong to Joss Whedon, The WB, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox, so don’t sue me.
Author's Notes: This is purposely sad so beware. It's really short and full of angst. This takes place four years after the prom, and Angel went further than L.A. This is a B/A angst piece. By the way I wrote this at 12:30 am so it might not make too much sense.
Buffy picked up a pen and wrote the long, painful letter, her first letter to Angel since he had left. He had written, but she hadn’t been able to write back. They had spoken on the phone once though, but that was it.
Angel,
I tried to write dear but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t lie not even on paper, we aren’t dear anymore we’re not even friends. What are we? We’re strangers, strangers who once shared everything. That’s the only thing I could come up with, what would you call people who once meant the world to each other but haven’t even had contact in three years?
This isn’t why I’m writing, I’m writing for a lot of reasons. To give you some news, to prove to myself that I can do this, to hash over the past, to get some answers. Most importantly I’m writing to ask a simple question, do you still think about me?
It’s been three years since we last talked, and I still think about you all the time. It’s not everyday anymore, but it’s still often. I can be in a book store and a book of poems will catch my eye and I’ll remember the book of sonnets you got me for my 18th birthday. Or last week I past a jewellery store and I saw a claudagh ring, it made me think of you. I don’t want to, I want to be able to close that door, but I can’t yet.
I don’t know why, but I have got so many unanswered questions. Have you moved on? Are you seeing someone? Is there a part of you which still loves me? What went wrong? Was there anything we could have done? Will I ever stop wondering about what could have been? And do you think if we had been normal things would have been different?
You were right after all, I’ve met someone. His name is Peter, and he’s nice and normal, I love him. Not the way I loved you, but I’ll never have that again, I know that. We’re getting married, and I’m happy. You’re right I do want marriage and kids. But I would give up my normal life for one more moment with you. Because as much as I care for him, you’re still a big part of me.
You’re my first love and that never goes away. But I’ve learnt it gets dimmer through time. I have many regrets, and I wish we’d had more, but what we did have was enough.
You can’t change the past, and I can’t change what happened between us. Even if I could I’m not sure I would. What happened between us hurt, but it taught us so much. It taught us what real love was, and I’d never change that for a moment. Never forget that.
I just reread this letter, it’s a mess. Oh well, it’s what I feel. I’ll never forget you, I just need to close this chapter of my life. To finally realise that for us there will never be a happily ever after. You were right all those years ago, this isn’t some fairy tale. I wish it was, but fairy tales don’t exist.
But even if this isn't a fairy tale, you were still my Prince Charming. You made me happier than anyone else ever has, you taught me what love was. And no matter how much it's hurt, that's the greatest gift you ever could have given me. That and you're love.
This is weird, I’m not just saying goodbye to us, but to the life I lead then. To an important chapter in my life, I’m ready.
Goodbye Angel,
Buffy
She put it in an envelope and mailed it, then she fell back in tears. She had finally done it, and it hurt so much. She closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep.
A month later Buffy was cleaning her house when she got the mail. She found a letter from Angel she opened it and read the contents.
Dear Buffy,
I can write the dear, because you are dear to me. And you always will be. You’re just no longer dear to me in the way you were. I mean I still love you, but I've accepted that we will never be together again. Too much came between us, we came from seperate worlds. It does however feel strange writing this to you. I just don’t know what to say.
You asked if I still think about you. All the time, but you’re right as time passes those memories become less important. I mean they meant the world to me, but it was a long time ago. We were different then.
Have I moved on? Yes, I put a close to that part of my life the day I left Sunnydale, it hurt but it’s what I had to do. Am I seeing someone? No. I’m not going to do that again, but I’m okay with it. I’ve experienced love and it hurt as much it healed, I don’t think I want to feel that again. Is there a part of me which still loves you? Always. You taught me what it was to love, you were part of me and that will never go away. What went wrong? We lived in two separate worlds, and in the end that was too big of a problem for us. Was there anything we could have done? No, it just wasn’t meant to be. Will you ever stop wondering about what could have been? No, neither will I. It’s natural to wonder if things could have been different. And do I think if we had been normal things would have been different? We’ll never know. Buffy, you can’t go through life thinking about what ifs, if you do you’ll waste your life with regret.
I’m glad you’ve met someone, you deserve all the happiness in the world. I knew you’d eventually want everything I couldn’t give you, but it kind of hurts to hear you say it. Buffy I’d spend another hundred years in Hell for one more moment with you, but it’s not going to happen.
I’ll never forget what we shared, or our love. I’ll always love you, but I’m glad you get your normal life. That’s all I ever wanted for you.
I'm glad you think that, I do too. You're love saved me so many times. You are the only one I'll ever love. But that part of our lives is still over, nothing will change that.
You’re right the end has come after all these years, and it hurts. But it’s inevitable.
Goodbye Buffy,
Angel
Buffy put down the letter and started to cry. It was over, after seven years things between them had finally ended. To bad happily ever after didn’t exist.