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When I got out of the shower, Rafael was already gone and Buffy was sitting on my couch looking more depressed than ever. Why couldn't she and Rafael get along? I knew I shouldn't have left them alone together, but I was hoping they'd use the time to get to know each other better. I hadn't heard any shouting, but I guessed that they'd gotten into a fight.
"Gabriel, we have to talk." She said, rising and walking straight to me. She had started to tell me something before Rafael had arrived, but never got the chance. I wondered what was bothering her.
"What is it?" I stopped toweling my hair and focused my attention on her, enfolding her in my arms, "Are you still worried about the Master?"
She fiddled uncomfortably with her hands the way she always did when she wanted to say something important. She'd done it the first time she had told me she loved me. I had a feeling that this time she had something a little less pleasing for me to hear. She took my hands in hers and stepped back, looking up at me with a calm seriousness.
"It's about Rafael. There's something you should know about him." Her voice was tight and uneasy. The combination of her tone and her words got me more than a little nervous, "He's a vampire."
"I know." I nodded slightly. I had known since yesterday. It was kind of hard not to tell, but it didn't matter. He was still my brother and I would stand by him no matter what.
"You know?!" she sounded almost as surprised as she looked, "Why didn't you say anything?"
I inhaled a deep breath, fairly certain of what her reaction was going to be, "Because it's not important."
She almost hit the roof.
"Not important!?" she stalked back and forth across the room, fuming, "I guess when he starts killing people it won't be important either."
I was starting to get irritated. Why didn't she understand? He was my brother, the only full-blooded brother I had. I was closer to him than I had been to my father. Didn't she have any idea what that meant? Folding my arms tightly across my chest, I leaned back against the wall.
"My brother isn't going to kill anyone." I tried to keep my voice level, "We grew up together, he wouldn't do that to me. He loves me."
She stopped pacing and looked up at me with deep concern showing on her face, "He's not your brother anymore, Gabriel. He's just a demon wearing Rafael's skin. And he doesn't love you. When a person gets turned into a vampire, their emotions change, they get twisted. Love becomes selfish and possessive. It can get deadly."
She was speaking from experience, I knew. When Angel had lost his soul, he had made her pay dearly for her mistake. I wanted to comfort her, to tell her that she would never be hurt like that again, but her words had stung me deeply and I reacted with instinctive cruelty.
"My brother is not like Angel. He has self control." Ouch. Inwardly, I winced. It was a low blow, but I was upset and my mouth was getting away from me. Not to mention that I had some mixed feelings toward the near-legendary vampire. "We're brothers. We have a bond that can't be broken." I was shouting now, letting my frustration get the better of me, "You have no idea what that means."
"No, this time YOU have no idea." She had moisture in her eyes, which normally would have been enough to make me cave, but I was too angry and confused, "If Rafael brings back the Master, we could all be killed. He's not like any vampire you've ever known."
The fear in her voice was obvious, but in my anger, I overlooked it and lashed out.
"That's what this is all about, isn't it?" I jabbed my finger at her in accusation, "Your obsession with the Master! How do you even know Rafael's the one who's looking for him?"
"I just know, all right." She whispered, her voice low and tight with fear, "We have to stop him."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was talking about killing my brother. She just couldn't see anything else but the quickest, most sure way of stopping him. This Master must have been some piece of work.
If Rafael really was planning to attempt to raise him, I would stop him. But I would do it my way. Alone. I grabbed up my jacket and slung it across my shoulders, jamming my arms violently though the sleeves. I jerked the door open and she grabbed onto to my arm to stop me. I paused in the doorway and glowered at her over my shoulder.
"Don't go after him." I warned, my voice taking on a chilling tone I hadn't heard from myself in a long time, "I mean it."
I yanked my arm free and let the door slam shut behind me, stalking angrily down the stairway. Damn it!
I pressed my fingertips to my temples and rubbed viciously. All my life I had been powerless, unknowingly controlled by my father. I had thought that with his death, I could finally take control of my life, but I felt as powerless now as I ever had. Everything was slipping through my fingers and it seemed like there was nothing I could do to stop it. How had things ended up so out of control? When I first found out that Rafael was in Sunnydale, I couldn't have been happier. Now, it seemed like the whole world had been turned upside down.
If Rafael was a vampire, then he had no choice but to be evil, it was a proven fact. But, as far as I knew, he hadn't killed anyone. And he was still acting kindly to me, not typical for a vampire. What if something had given him his soul back, like with Angel? Or had Buffy been right about a vampire's emotions becoming twisted and deadly? I wished I hadn't blown up at her like I did, but I wasn't about to let her rampant fear of the Master destroy my brother.
Rafael hadn't been gone from my apartment for very long and it did not take much time to find him. He was just about to enter one of the bigger cemeteries in Sunnydale with a shovel and a pick in his hands. I called to him and ran until I caught up with him. He looked at me with a mixture of surprise and satisfaction.
"You're not spending the night with Buffy?" he asked in a disinterested tone of voice while watching me intently.
"We . . . had a fight." I tried to ignore how he seemed to like hearing that. I couldn't really believe it myself until I said it aloud. Up until now, we had never even had harsh words with one another. The realization left a cold, hard lump in my stomach. "She thinks that you're the one who's looking for the Master's bones."
I looked at him expectantly. This was his chance to come clean, to put to rest my fears of what he might have become. He regarded me thoughtfully for a moment, rubbing his chin.
"I already know where they are." He said softly, "But I'm not trying to resurrect him."
I was shocked that he had kept this a secret from me. When we were growing up, there had been no secrets, we knew everything about each other. I felt betrayed and he knew it.
"Why, then?" I asked, my voice sticking as I spoke.
"You know what I am, don't you?" it was more of a statement than a question, "A vampire caught me outside of Cairo. She took me off guard and before I could do anything, I was already undead."
He looked at me serious and stricken, "The pendant helps preserve my humanity, but I don't know how much longer it will last. The need for blood gets worse every day. I don't know how long I can take it. There's a spell that will change me back, but I need the bones or it won't work. Will you help me?"
Some small part of me knew he was lying. The pendant was obviously protecting him from the sun, but a tiny logical fraction of my brain knew that the transformation to vampire happened instantaneously and could not be resisted. But I wasn't listening to logic anymore. I WANTED to believe him.
"Yes." I answered, following him into the graveyard.
He directed me to a secluded spot and stopped on the outer edge of an invisible perimeter.
"The ground here is consecrated." He explained, handing me a shovel, "You'll have to be the one to dig them up."
I obeyed wordlessly, losing myself in the mindless physical monotony. Somewhere under the earth was the remains of Buffy's greatest enemy and I felt a chill as I broke the tightly packed earth. In doing this, I could be setting free a nightmare. But I had no choice, I couldn't turn my back on my brother. I owed him too much.
After a few minutes, I was up to my knees with no sign of the bones. I almost didn't hear the crunching of the multiple sets of approaching footsteps. She was here. She had come, despite my warning, and she was not alone. Willow and Xander had were with her, hanging back a little and clutching wooden stakes nervously in their hands. Of the three, only Buffy seemed willing to meet my gaze.
I stepped out of the hole and gripped the shovel tightly with both hands, glaring angrily first at Willow, then Xander, and finally at her. I hadn't really expected Buffy to obey me when I told her to stay away, but I had hoped that she would at least take my feelings into account. Judging by the assortment of her typical weapons the three had brought, she hadn't.
Rafael circled along the edge of the consecrated ground and stood almost patiently just out of her reach.
"I told you not to come." I reiterated in a cold voice. My anger was mounting. I had trusted the three of them, called them friends, but now they were here to kill my brother. Another betrayal I had to endure.
"I won't let him revive the Master." She shot Rafael a quick glance then held my eyes with stalwart conviction.
"I won't let you kill him." I told her, my mouth tight with bitterness. I didn't know HOW I would stop her, but I meant to protect my brother.
"Then what do we do?" she looked sadly at me.
I could see that she didn't want to fight me and I was in agreement. There was nothing in the world I could want less. We stared at one another for a long moment. Even now, on opposite sides of an insane conflict, we shared the same thoughts. How had we gotten to this point? And where would it lead?
Rafael must have lost his patience or let fear get the best of him, because he reacted in a swift and desperate manner. Taking advantage of Buffy's distraction, he lunged forward and backhanded her across the face. Completely blindsided by the attack, she took the full force of the blow and went down like a ton of bricks.
"Rafael, no!" I scrambled to get between them, but my limbs felt like they were mired in cold molasses.
Rafael drove a vicious side-kick into Xander's chest that might have cracked some ribs if he hadn't partially blocked it with his arms. Xander flew back and fell over a solid gravestone. My brother went after Willow next, his face transformed in the way of all vampires on the attack. I had no idea what had come over him, but the rage that was obvious on his face was about to get Willow killed. I stumbled on a pile of loose dirt and fell to one knee as Rafael grabbed the defenseless girl around the throat and raised his other hand to strike. There was no way I would be able to make it to her in time to save her.
Rafael's head snapped back sharply and he lost his hold on Willow. As the auburn-haired girl fell coughing to the ground, Buffy drove a kick into Rafael's mid-section and smashed the heel of her palm against his face. Disoriented, Rafael fell, blood spurting from his shattered nose. His rage hitting its peak, he dove snarling for Buffy's throat.
This time, I was able to move fast enough. As he reached for her and she reached for him, I put myself between them and did my best to keep them apart.
"I told you he was evil!" Buffy clawed at him over my arm, searching for a clean shot at his heart, "We have to stop him!"
"She's crazy Gabriel." Rafael snarled, reaching for her throat, "She'll never let us be together. She's too selfish! Get rid of her!"
"Both of you, stop it!" I shouted, shoving them farther apart, "Now!"
Rafael turned on me and pushed hard against my chest. I fell for an impossibly long second, watching the two of them before I landed hard on my back. Rafael swept aside an efficient strike from Buffy and drove his fist into her gut. She doubled over and dropped to the ground. As she went down, her fingers hooked into Rafael's pendant and the thin chain holding it around his neck snapped.
Horror froze the moment. I reacted with a speed born of desperation, but he was already starting to burn from the sunlight by the time I threw myself over him. We both screamed hysterically as I did my best to smother the flames. His whole body was spasming in absolute agony, igniting faster than I could stop it and burning me in the process. I knew there was no way I could help him, but I still tried.
He gripped me by the shoulders as the flames ran up the length of his chest and looked meaningfully at me, his mouth gaping soundlessly and a bittersweet sadness in his dark blue eyes. My clothes were burning now, too, but I was too shocked to realize.
"Noooooo!" I wailed, clutching his fiery corpse against me. I felt a pair of hands desperately trying to pull me off him, but I blindly kicked them away. I had to save my brother. I just had to . . .
Wailing in fear and denial, I struggled desperately to hold his form together, as if I could have battled the sun and won. He was getting thinner, consumed by the light, and I heard him whisper one final thing before he slumped in my arms and stopped moving.
"Gabriel . . ." he wheezed in a tiny strangled breath. My name. The last word he would ever speak. Cold, numbing pain welled up inside me, drowning all other emotion. I couldn't feel the fire burning my skin, I could barely see anymore. Someone threw a long coat over me and smothered the flames, but I barely noticed. The world just turned dark and caved in on me. It was ironic that I was left with nothing but an armful of ashes. Inside, my heart was filled with ashes, too.
I don't really remember how I got home that day. I vaguely recalled having my burns treated at the hospital. I think Buffy may have lead me back to my apartment after that, but it was all a blur. I sat hugging my knees on the windowsill, watching the rain run down the window and looking out over the Restfield Cemetery, paralyzed with heartache, the same as I had for the last two days. The phone hadn't rung in a while. Maybe she had finally figured out that I wanted to be alone. A key turned in the lock of my front door. Maybe she hadn't.
I heard her enter the room, but I didn't turn around. She waited for a minute for me to notice her then just started talking. I couldn't really make sense of a lot of it, but I gathered that her mother had noticed how I had missed work and covered for me. And that she had sent soup over. Like that was going to make everything all better.
Buffy stepped into my line of sight and touched my arm. I flinched reflexively and looked up at her slowly.
"Gabriel, you have to talk to me." She whispered pleadingly, her eyes filled with concern, "Please."
She was afraid I was going to leave again, the way I had after my father had been killed. Back then, I was so overwrought I didn't know how else to deal with it. The pain had been unbearable. This hurt more.
"What is there to talk about?" my voice was barely a croak, having been used for nothing but crying for two days now.
"Well, like why you're being so distant, for one." She answered, reaching out to stroke my cheek, "I love you. I want to help you through this."
I leaned into the touch for an instant and then the pain resurged worse than ever and I jumped up, pushing rudely past her.
"You can't help me through this." I folded my arms tightly over my chest and hugged myself against the fear I felt inside, keeping my back to her. I hoped I knew what I was about to do. "You're part of it."
"Gabriel, I'm sorry about your brother, but you can't blame me for this." she was standing directly behind me. I prayed she wouldn't touch me again. I didn't think I could bear it.
"I don't." I told her. She didn't understand. She honestly had no idea what this was about. "I told you to stay away from him, but you didn't. And what happened was exactly what I was afraid of. How could you put me in that position?"
"I only went after him to stop him, Gabriel, not to kill him. It was an accident. I swear." She walked around in front of me and laid her hand gently on my shoulder. The burns were healing quickly, they hardly hurt anymore, but the pain I felt was not of the body.
My emotions were all mixed up, like snowflakes in a storm. I had hoped she would have waited a little longer before confronting me. I couldn't deal with anything right now. I shrank irritably from her touch. She withdrew her hand and stepped back, her eyes wide and brimming with tears.
"It's too late isn't it?" she whispered, her voice quivering in fear, "You don't you love me anymore, do you?"
"I do love you. So much that it hurts." I told her, but my voice was heavy with loss, "And that's my problem. Every time I look at you, I'm looking at the person who ended my brother's life. Every time I touch your hand, I'm touching the hand that killed him. By loving you I'm betraying him. And I just can't do that."
My insides knotted in agony as I saw the pain register on her face. I hadn't meant for it to happen, but it looked like she might finally have an idea of what I was going through. She wiped her eyes and sniffed, exhaling a controlled, shuddering breath.
"W-what are you s-saying?" her bottom lip quivered as she stared imploringly up at me. I could see a kind of fear in her that I had never seen before. Something told me I'd see the same expression on myself if I looked in a mirror. I was about to make an earthshaking decision and under normal circumstances I would have been terrified. But I was so cold and hurt inside now that it almost didn't faze me. Almost.
"I need to be alone." I tightened my arms around myself, resisting the urge to reach out to her, "It hurts too much to be near you. I'll still help out with patrolling. But by myself." I swallowed hard and held out my hand, feeling lower than low and utterly miserable, "I'd like my key back."
She inhaled sharply and the flow of tears became a torrent. Her shoulders shaking with silent sobs, she unhooked the steel chain from around her neck and slipped the key off it. It dangled from her trembling fingers before she released it and let it fall into my palm. I closed my fingers over it very slowly and jammed my fist into my pocket.
I turned my back to her and stared out the window again, watching the Restfield Cemetery. Every muscle in my body was trembling. She waited there behind me, sniffling and weeping quietly for what seemed like forever. Why couldn't she just leave already? Couldn't she see I needed to be alone? I heard the door close and while I had anticipated the sound, it shot through me with startling sharpness. And then I really was alone.
Tears crawled down my cheeks like hot, salty poison and I couldn't stop myself from crying. But I was alone now, just like I had wanted. Alone, I could feel safe again, I could remind myself that I had done the right thing. I had done the right thing, hadn't I? Hadn't I?