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Xander walked up to Oz’s van before school the next day, more nervous than he cared to admit. "Can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure."
They sat in silence for the longest time. Finally Xander spoke. "So, you like Willow."
"Yeah. A lot."
"I do too. We’ve been friends forever. But ever since the other night, it seems different."
"Because she’s different?"
"But she’s not, is she? She seems the same. Maybe I just can’t believe how superficial I am. Maybe I…"
"Do you love her?" Oz wouldn’t look at him. "’Cause I think she still loves you."
"I don’t know."
"Do you plan to find out?"
"That depends."
Oz sighed. "The Christmas dance is three days away. And for the next two nights, I change." He stood up and grabbed his school books. "Just don’t hurt her. Ever."
"Peachy. So what was your plan with this makeover?" He started for the library with her beside him.
"Helping Willow gain confidence." Buffy refused to look at him. "She thought things were going to slowly with Oz. So we tried to…"
"Whet his appetite?"
"So to speak."
"Where did I figure into this?"
"What do you mean?" She smiled innocently as they reached the library.
"Nothing." The pushed open the doors. Willow was sitting at the computer typing. "Hey Will."
She looked up, her eyes shining. "Guess what! I just received an e-mail from Miss Calendar’s coven. They’re sending me some information!"
"That’s great."
"Willow the witch. I like it." Xander sat across from her. "Do you get a pointy hat?"
"No. The elastic strap to hold it on is too painful."
Buffy nodded. "Too true. Many a birthday party has been ruined by rogue elastic." She picked up a duffel bag from behind the counter. "I’ve got to go change into my Herbie suit. Tell Giles I’ll be back when I’m done with dentistry."
Tensions seemed to fill the room as the door swung shut behind her. "So, Oz is on the leash again tonight."
Willow sighed. Apparently it was wishful thinking on her part that the men in her life would get along. "Yes."
"Well,since Giles is on watch, he kind of asked me to keep you out of trouble. Peanuts is on. Want to come over? Just you and me and hark the herald angels singin'? Just like old times?"
"I’m not…"
"I’ll do the Snoopy dance."
She grinned. "Okay."
"Great."
She leafed through her journal, her eyes sad. Fifteen years ago, her life had been so simple. Putting aside the demons, creatures, vampires and witchcraft, she was dating seriously for the first time, she was a senior and…
Her eyes traveled to the picture next to her bed. She was leaning against Xander, their arms around each other. She sighed and looked back to the journal.
Dear diary, today Xander almost kissed me. Does he like me? Like me like me? Does he realize? Vanilla ice cream…
She flipped to the night Kendra died.
You’re my best friend. You’ve always…I love you
He didn’t know that she’d heard him. If she had her way, he would never know.
"Willow?"
"Yes Dad?"
"Xander’s here."
"Thanks." She slid the journal back between her mattresses and glanced at her reflection. She looked just like herself. No enhancement, no makeup. Just Willow.
"You didn’t have to pick me up. I was going to come over."
"I was on my way home."
"From Cordelia's?"
He shrugged.
"You guys seem to be getting along better."
"Until someone else comes along or I embarrass her." He stopped and sat on the short stone fence that lined the sidewalk. "How ‘bout you and Oz? Big dates? Lots of smoochin’?"
She blushed. "Some."
"You love him?"
"Come on. We’re going to miss the show." She started walking backwards, still smiling at him. "You promised me the Snoopy dance and I aim to see it."
He slid off the fence and headed toward her. "Okay Marcy. I aim to please. Let’s go."
"All right Sir."
Willow rested her chin on her hand, engrossed in Linus’ speech. Xander leaned back against the headboard and watched her. He’d noticed that she’d changed her clothes and removed her makeup. But she was still beautiful.
Ever since that night he’d sat by her hospital bed, he’d been trying to reconcile his feelings for her. The whole makeover had made it that much more difficult. The sweet, shy Willow was much easier to overlook. The new Willow, he couldn’t help but notice.
A commercial came on and she turned her head to look at him. Their eyes met and everything else faded away. She swallowed. Hard. His eyes were appraising her now, looking at her as if for the first time.
"Xander?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Ssh." He moved forward, bringing himself closer to her, their faces inches apart. "Don’t say anything Will."
Her eyes widened as he continued to move forward.
"Xander? Willow?" Xander’s mom knocked on the door. "I made cookies and hot chocolate. Want some?"
Willow stared at Xander.
He shrugged. "At least it wasn’t a vampire this time."
"Or Buffy." She sat up. "No thank you Mrs. Harris. I have to get home."
"Willow…" Xander grabbed her hand. "The show’s not over."
"You’re dating Cordelia. I’m dating Oz."
"So now that he’s come along, you don’t feel anything for me?" He tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice but failed.
"Why not? Now that he’s come along, your feelings have changed. Did you really think I was going to wait forever Xander? That good old Willow would always be there waiting?" Tears filled her eyes. "Just because your hormones suddenly realized I’m a girl, doesn’t mean I’m just going to fall into your arms."
"That’s not…"
"Oh, right. That’s not it. Because you just don’t see me like that. Isn’t that what you told Buffy? I’m just Willow."
"Maybe it’s taken me a long time to realize…"
"Too long." She brushed past him, barely able to see. Sadness overwhelmed her.
Xander stared after her, tears in his own eyes. What had he done?
Buffy sat on the headstone waiting for the vampire to rise. She should be Christmas shopping. Her list of people had expanded beyond her meager budget, but it still had to be done. Let's see. Angel. Hmmm. What do you get for the vampire who has everything?
"Buffy."
She turned away from the fresh grave at the sound of his voice. He was still gorgeous. And so off-limits. "Angel."
"I though you might want some help patrolling. Things sometimes get active around Christmas."
"I can imagine. It’s gotta be tough for them knowing they’re on the naughty half of the list."
He smiled a half smile that broke her heart. Again. "I guess that would go for me too?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Afraid so." She marveled that she could almost joke about the horrible things he’d done to her and her friends. To her watcher.
He watched the emotions play over her face wistfully. He wished desperately that he could change all of that. "Buffy… Willow?"
"No. Just Buffy."
He took her shoulders and turned her around. Willow was stumbling through the graveyard. Crying.
"Will?" She moved towards her friend.
Willow stopped. "Oh. Hi. Hey." She sniffed back tears.
"Will, are you okay?"
"Xan…Xander tried to kiss me."
Buffy was confused. "And this is bad?"
She nodded.
"Why? I thought it was what you’ve always wanted."
Her sad eyes met her friends. "So did I."
"It’s not?"
"He’s afraid he’s losing me. To Oz or whatever. He’s trying not to any way he can."
"Willow, I don’t think…" Suddenly the ground beneath Buffy’s feet erupted with the newly undead. She scrambled to her feet, slaying as quickly as she could.
But Willow was gone. And so was Angel.
Buffy strode into the library purposefully. "Giles? Have you seen Willow?"
He walked out of his office, book in hand. "I’ve found some fascinating texts on vampirism and holidays. I thought with Christmas…"
"Giles! Willow?"
"What? Willow? No. Not this morning. But I've only been here since the sun came up and Oz reverted to himself. Why?"
"She won’t answer her phone, her parents haven’t seen her, she didn’t wait for me outside, she’s not here. And…" she mumbled the rest of her sentence. "What?" Buffy sighed. "And she disappeared last night, the same time as Angel." At his look - half horror, half disappointment - she sputtered blindly on. "but he’s good again now. In a vampire sort of way. He’s got a soul. His. Plus a piece of Willows. So see? He’s got a bit. Who needs the whole thing then? Besides Willow? I mean… Shutting up now." "Good." Giles set his book down. "I realize Angel is no longer Angelus, but you must still guard against him Buffy. His soul has…requirements."
"No one knows that better than I do." She glared at him, mad more at herself for deserving the remark. "But that still doesn’t explain where Willow is."
"I say the library."
"I looked." Buffy turned around to see Willow standing there. "I’m so glad you’re all right. When you disappeared last night, I was afraid something happened."
"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just needed some time to think."
"Where’d you go?"
"I slept in Oz’s van." She walked further into the library. Without the makeup, she seemed more her old self. Except for so sad.
Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I think so." She smiled a shy smile. "At least I will be."
"Can you explain exactly what is going on? I’m afraid I’m rather in the dark." Giles adjusted his glasses.
"Boy trouble." Buffy shrugged.
"Ah. My research probably won’t be necessary then." Buffy was about to reply when Xander walked in. "Hey gals and Giles."
"Hello Xander."
"Hey Will."
She met his eyes hesitantly. "Hey."
"Am I stepping over the bounds to try to hold you to helping me with history?"
Buffy watched Willow closely. She started to say something when Willow smiled. "I don’t think I could live with a failing history grade on my conscience."
"Great. Here? After school?" He picked up her books and motioned to the door. "History smack dab on the mouth of hell. Appropriate."
Giles watched them leave. "Boy trouble?" He asked Buffy. "Putting it mildly aren’t you?"
"Me? Understated? Cool."
Buffy."
The bell rang and she rushed away. "Gotta go!"
Oz stood outside Willow’s class waiting for her. "Hey."
She blushed. "Hello." She rubbed his chin. "You shaved."
"Nah. Side effect. You’re more Willowy today."
"It just wasn’t me."
"I like the new old you. Very retro." He put his arm around her shoulders. "Did you come over last night?"
"I needed someplace quiet, so I borrowed your van. I hope that’s okay?"
"Oh sure. Just, you know, worried."
"Not to." She shook her head. "You were close by if I needed help."
"As long as I didn’t eat you."
"Giles was there. Besides," She opened her backpack to display her vampire slaying necessities. "I brought stakes in case you were hungry."
"Witty. And so early."
"I’m a woman of many talents."
He raised an eyebrow lecherously. "I’m liking this more and more."
Cordelia walked up to her car, studiously ignoring Xander on the hood.
"Queen C."
She continued ignoring him.
"All right. What did I do now?"
"I thought we were going pretty good. Why I care, I’m not sure. But you’ve been, what’s a nice way to say this? Preoccupied lately."
"Faith was a fluke. Just all that talk about being naked. I’m a growing boy."
"Not Faith. Willow."
"Are you going to be jealous of Willow all the time? We’re best friends. Have been forever. Perhaps you remember?"
"You don’t look at best friends that way. If I had to describe that look, I’d have to say it’s the one you usually reserve for whatever slayer you’re lusting after."
"Cordy, she just took me by surprise. She looked different. I looked at her differently. But she’s still Willow. That hasn’t changed."
"I get so tired of being your girlfriend by default. Exactly how fast would you dump me if Buffy so much as looked in your direction?"
"I don’t know." He slid off the car. "But at least my reason would be better than not looking cool enough to my friends."
"Well, with your friends, just about anyone would be higher on the evolutionary scale."
Suddenly they were kissing, neither sure of who had started it. When they parted, gasping for air, Xander shook his head. "There’s something seriously wrong with this."
Cordelia nodded. "We should stop. All together. Once and for all."
"Absolutely." And they were kissing again, headed inside Cordelia's car.
Buffy linked her arm through her mother’s. "It’s nice to do this."
Joyce looked around at the swarming mob of shoppers. "Shop mere days before Christmas?"
"Normal things."
"You have a strange sense of normal."
"School’s out tomorrow. Vamp activity seems to be slowing. On the negative side, I have a trillion people to buy for and a severe lack of funds. My job doesn’t pay that well."
"The medical plan isn’t great either." Joyce smiled. "You’re right. Joking about it seems to help some."
"I’m a smart kid."
"This should help some too." She held out a credit card. "Not too much. But buy some stuff for your friends."
Buffy kissed her cheek. "You’re the best."
"Well, I’m getting lots of training."
"There may be a handbook. I could ask Giles."
"No honey. I think on the job training is the only way to go here."
Oz smiled across the cafeteria table. Squeezing Willow’s hand, he tilted his head sideways. "You okay?"
"Sure."
"Cause my van’s free tonight too."
"I don’t think I’ll need it tonight."
"So everything’s okay?"
She narrowed her eyes, "What do you mean?"
"Nothing…" he began then stopped. Lying to Willow he would not do. "Okay. I’ve known from the beginning that you had unresolved feelings for Xander. All of Sunnydale except Xander knew it."
Willow blushed.
He admired the attractive picture she made before continuing. "But you seemed to put it behind you. And we moved on. And it’s nice."
"Yes. It is."
"But now, because of Angel or me or you getting hurt or both or all or whatever, he’s realizing he’s got feelings for you." He took a deep breath. "And I think it’s important that you deal with that. Both of you."
"But…"
"Decide what you want. What’s right for you."
"But Oz…"
"I told you before Willow. I can wait." His clear green eyes met hers. "And I will."
Xander paced the library. He wasn’t good at waiting. Waiting required patience. He was a man of action. Quite often the wrong actions, but a man nonetheless.
"Okay. How do I feel? I have no idea."
Not a man of thought.
"Okay. Girl by girl. Buffy. Slayer. Goddess. Friend. Likes me only because I’m not likely to kill any of her friends or freak out when people bothering us explode into dust. Few issues with the woman being able to kick my ass."
Buffy. No. Check.
"Cordelia. Snobby. Beautiful. Self absorbed. Great kisser. Hates herself for liking me. Hates me for being likeable. Check on twelve step programs."
Cordy. Maybe. Maybe insane. Check.
"Willow."
A flood of memories filled his mind. His friend since forever. They shared everything until Cordy and Oz had come along. She was like his sister…
"Sister bad. Too sexy. Laws," he mumbled.
His best friend. His soul mate. His better half, his…
"Whoa. Okay. Weirdness ensuing. Too much thought. She’s Willow. Sweet Willow. Girl next door. Trusting eyes, forgiving heart. What kind of blind sap am I?"
Willow. Definitely. Check.
But she was his best friend. And she’d loved him all their lives. He could never live up to that. He’d stopped telling her things so he wouldn’t have to see the hurt in her eyes. He hadn’t wanted to risk their friendship. Hadn’t wanted to be responsible for breaking her heart any more than he already had.
After she’d run from his house last night, he’d tossed and turned along with his stomach. Scared more than by any monster that he’d driven her away forever.
Willow. Impossible. Check.
"Xander?"
"Gah!" He jumped and whirled around. "Giles! Hellmouth! Sneaky! Bad!"
"Sorry. But I’m concerned. About the carpet. I would like there to still be some."
Xander stopped pacing.
"Girl trouble?"
"Sorta. Although, no bugs or mummies involved."
"Well, that’s good news then." Giles leaned against the stair railing. "but monsters are much more easily dealt with. No, how would you put it? Gooey monster feeling? To deal with."
"Yeah, well, I don’t want to end up being the monster in this fairy tale."
The door to the library swung open and Willow walked in. Her steps seemed slightly hesitant to Giles. He hoped for everyone’s’ sake it all turned out well. "Hi."
"Hello Willow. Enjoy your study session."
"Thanks." She smiled at Xander. "Ready?"
"Sure." He sat away from her. "I promise history is all that’s on my mind."
"Xander? Xander?"
"Hmmm?" His lack of sleep had caught up with him about five minutes into their studying.
"Wake up," Willow tapped his shoulder.
"Not now Will. I’m dreamin’."
She gave up. Sitting in her regular seat, she watched him sleep. A soft ache filled her heart. She loved him. More than anyone should. And he loved her too. Not quite as much as she wanted.
She stood by him for a few moments, stroking a lock of hair back off his forehead. They would always be best friends. Whatever else there was, they weren’t ready for yet. At least not with each other. Maybe they never would be.
Christmas carols could barely be heard over the roar of party-goers that filled the Bronze. Willow looked around feeling anxious.
Oz would be late. Having missed the last three nights of band practice, he'd promised to show up that afternoon. Buffy had to patrol before she could party. Cordelia mentioned shopping and Xander…well, she’d sort of avoided him since their study session the previous afternoon.
"Hey Willow."
"Oh. Um Angel. Hi."
"Not your holiday?"
"Well, they won’t play the dreidel song, even though I’ve requested it at least fifty times."
He smiled. "You’re back to you. I’m glad."
"Me too."
"Will you be at the library tomorrow?"
Giles had begrudgingly allowed them his precious library for a Christmas/Hanukkah party. "Yep."
"I didn’t get you a present for all eight days."
She pretended to look mortified. "Oh. I see. Even with a piece of my soul, you ignore my traditions."
He lightly touched the small cross she wore around her neck. "Traditions?"
"Okay, so we’ll focus on the secular aspects."
He laughed. "I see Buffy."
"So I’ll see you later?"
He left with a nod. Getting up, she made her way to the bar. As she reached it, two strong hands grabbed her.
She was spun around, then a pair of lips met hers.
It was passion. Raw and unbridled. Not harsh, but insistent. Firm, yet soft, caressing. His tongue parted her lips and she slid her arms around him, surrendering to his taste, his touch.
An eternity later, he pulled away. He was flushed, excited. Barely controlled.
"Xander?" she breathed.
He pointed to the mistletoe above her head. "Sorry Will. One of the hazards of the holiday."
"I don’t think Hanukkah has that hazard. Random kissing. I’m gonna write it down. You think there’s a suggestion box?"
He hugged her tightly. "I’m sorry Willow. But I had to. And this way, no one gets hurt. No guilt. No consequence. Am I forgiven?"
She stepped back from him. "Of course." She pulled a package from her pocket and placed it in his hand. "But what exactly am I gonna do with this?"
He looked down at the now crumpled sprig of mistletoe and smiled. "Well, I just noticed a certain werewolf…"
"Xander! First Buffy, then Cordy, now Oz? You really should see a counselor about this…."
"Hey, if you can’t take the competition."
"Oh, I can take it." She took his hand and they went to join their friends. "You still owe me a Snoopy dance."